Confession

I have a confession. I have not written for a LONG time because I am a little embarrassed. I did not want people to judge the changes that God had brought into my life. This is all a bit cryptic so let me explain.

Eight months after Eric died I went to camp with some youth leaders. We were having a retreat and planning time. The first night that we were there, the youth pastor took us to a tall tower to do the zip line. Along the way, I met quite a few people that were also youth leaders. I chatted with them all and found the group to be very nice. I even spoke to a few teens that were helping with childcare. I found two of the teens, in particular, to be very charming and funny. I went about my night completely oblivious that my life was about to take a dramatic shift.

After surviving a horrible night with the kids that involved them sleeping/freaking out in my micro sized camp bunk, I "woke" to go to breakfast. I sat by a rather hilarious family and tried to drink as many watered down cups of coffee that I could get my hands on. Meanwhile, one of the men in the group kept staring at me and I thought to myself, "oh man, I MUST look bad because that guy will NOT stop staring at me!"

After the retreat, I went about my life and the next youth meeting I went to serve. Upon arrival, I saw the staring man and walked up to him and said "Hi, nice jacket" as I pulled on his jacket collar. The look of shock on his face made me acutely aware of my social blunder-I overstepped personal space. Feeling a bit foolish, I stepped back and tried to look less ridiculous.

The next week was my birthday and everyone was so sweet and supportive. I even got flowers! I was so blown away and felt so blessed. I had no expectations for that day and God just showered support and love on me through his people.

During this time, I felt that God was prompting me to be open to WHATEVER he had for me. I readily agreed and thought that God was slowly buy surely moving me towards ministry. God challenged me in a little different way. I felt God nudge me to allow the staring man into my life. I said "no" without hesitation. God then "gently" reminded me that I had said that I would be open to whatever he had for me so I relented...a little. I thought to myself, "what is the least invasive way to allow this guy into my life without me really having to let him in?" (I know, really spiritual...anyway...) I decided to friend request him on Facebook. He accepted and then God pushed me a bit farther. One night I saw that the man was on Facebook and God nudged me to chat with him. I did not to and yet I obeyed with a quick message...hellp. He quickly responded with concern and I realized that I had miss-keyed. We started to chat when the man wrote, "some day I will have to tell you about the night that we met." Well, that was bait to an overly curious fish and I said, okay!

We met at a barnes and noble. This man proceeded to tell me the story of how we chatted on the way to the tower on the first night when God did something in his heart. God opened his heart up, love rushed in and God said, "you can get remarried" (he was divorced). He did not think or want to get remarried ever again so he was completely thrown. He kept saying that he was not saying that this situation had to do with me specifically, but I knew better. It was as if God had put a huge vegas sign above this man's head and was saying-This guy is in your future! I didn't know him from Adam and I was not looking for a relationship. Yet, here was God's plan staring me right in the face. We then took the kids to Burger King so that they could eat and play. We continued to talk and then I said the unthinkable, "but he is so old". This poor guy thought, well that's it, but that was only the beginning. He nervously chatted on until I had to leave to put the kids in bed. That night I emailed him and said that I had a few things to say if he would like to hear them. We met the next day and I told him that I had a pretty good idea what God was trying to tell him. I told him that I think we were supposed to get married. From that time on, we started talking. I grilled him. We prayed. We realized that yes, we were supposed to get married and so on May 28, 2011 we tied the knot.

P.S. from his side of the story...when he met me and God opened his heart, he was floored. He kept staring at me and thinking, "does she have anything to do with this? That can't be..." I talked to his kids and they were hilarious. He said to his daughter, "she's really nice" and he never says stuff like that so she thought that meant something significant. Then the night that I grabbed his collar, he freaked out because that gesture seemed to indicate that I might think he was okay and he didn't want to really think what that meant. He started to fast and pray and after three days God told him that I would come to him. He anonymously gave me the flowers for my birthday. The night that we chatted on Facebook, he was at his office in town waiting for his daughter to finish work at a corn maze. Normally he would have been home in the country where he didn't have internet. The night that we met, he was lotioning his hands when his ring broke in half. It was a ring that he had worn on his wedding finger for five years. He had committed to God to be a Godly man because single men have quite a few opportunities for ungodly behavior. That ring breaking really freaked him out because it was clear that God was starting a new chapter for him, only that path was yet to be determined in his mind. My declaration that we were supposed to get married freaked him out, but he stuck around to find out if I was crazy or correct.

We moved in to my new husband's house and started to blend families. He has three teenagers: A boy who is 19, a girl who is 17 and another girl who is 13. Are you dying to know their names? My husbands name is Christian. The kids are Josiah, Sophia and Helena. After a month and half, we found out that we were pregnant. I am now typing with new my daughter, Naomi Joy sitting next to me. She was born on march 2 and she is tiny! The kids all love her and are so excited that she is here.

I know that this post only spurs on tons of questions and I am going to post more to answer those questions. I may even put some pictures up as well! Dare to dream! To finish up this post I would like to say, isn't God amazing! He redeemed what was lost and continues to bind up our broken hearts. He is good.

Grief Letter

Hello everyone...
It has been 10 months since Eric's accident and a lot has happened as you can imagine. Micah has started preschool and he loves it. Lydia goes to "school" too (nursery at church while I have Bible study). Micah is learning a lot at school and has grown in creativity and fine motor skills which is fun to see. Lydia is full of two year old spunk and determination. Grief wise Micah is up and down. Micah acts out and Lydia is fairly oblivious to the loss. We could still use a lot of prayer in that area. It is not an easy thing to walk through as an adult much less as a small child.

I am involved in a grief share group now. It is a support group for those who are experiencing grief from a loss. It has been very encouraging and challenging. I also have started seeing a counselor so that I have an intentional time each week to process my grief. It is hard to take the time to process when you have two small children but God is good and has provided me the opportunities to get help and time to grieve.

During this holiday season you may be wondering what I am thinking, feeling and what your role might be in this. I thought that I could offer some suggestions. It is helpful when people ask how I am doing and how the kids are doing. It is helpful when people offer a listening ear. It is fun to hear happy stories of Eric. It is encouraging to have people pray for us and to let us know that they are praying for us. I know that is is awkward for those around to see me or imagine me in pain but it is the most helpful when people offer a listening ear or prayer. I hope that as you encounter others who have suffered loss this year that you remember them in prayer and ask God how you can be an encouragement to them. Sometimes the less you say the better. If God lays something on your heart to do for someone or for my family, feel free to offer although I may not take you up on it (depending on how tired I am). Know that the offer itself is so encouraging even if it is never taken up.

I am so thankful for all the support and prayer. Prayer is not a little thing to me. I feel lifted up and can handle this load so much better when I am being interceeded for. God truly comes near to the brokenhearted and lifts them up (Psalm 34:18 paraphrase). Know that God is sustaining me and my family. How encouraging is that!?! Thanks again and I will keep you updated...

The Widow's Offering

Luke 21:1-4 As he looked up, Jesus saw the rich putting in their gifts into the temple treasury. He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. "I tell you the truth," he said "this poor widow has put in more than all the others. All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on."

I understood something about this passage recently. It is easy to give God your leftovers...it is harder when he demands it all. Then once you realize that he truly does have it all you feel greedy keeping anything from him. It is all his and he should have it. He is faithful to supply so why keep anything for myself? I don't want to sound like I have this all figured out and that I am perfect in my practice because I certainly am not but I was just struck by this thought. Having so much taken away over the years has given me so many intangible things. I want to keep the mindset of the poor widow forever. May I never lose sight of the fact that out of God's abundant mercy He provides what we need and in return we ought to give him our ALL that we have to live on-no dependence or trust in anything but God. That is a tall order. I know what I am challenged to do and you too out there in cyberland; we are called to surrender. That is a huge concept wrapped up in one word but ALL parts of life are for our Lord. Our money, our bodies, our minds, our time, our love, our life, our family, our church, our homes, our hobbies, our talents, our gifts, our experience, our jobs, our ALL. Out of surrender comes obedience, trust and dependence. Oh man are those all qualities that I just yearn for. What would we look like as a church body if we all truly submitted individually to God and collectively to God. We definitely wouldn't need the rocks to sing out! My life is changing...that is scary and exciting. When God works it is hard not to get excited. I pray that these words reach whomever they are supposed to reach. Please know that God gave me this to say for you.

8 months

It has been eight months since Eric died. What else is there to say today...not much. God is good. He has taken care of me and the kids. God is giving me strength to make it through each day and without that I would be lost. People often tell me that I am so strong. I see why they might say that but I know the truth-God is holding me up. I am not strong in myself. I am not keeping a tough upper lip. I am only able to live because I choose God and he lifts me up. We are all able to handle so much more than we think when we let God be in charge. You can't resist where God is taking you or what he has allowed to happen. The way you stay stuck is to stop, dig in and refuse to accept what is right in front of your face. We are all toddlers when it comes right down to it...we ball up our fists, stomp the ground and yell "NO!" Well guess what-that changes absolutely nothing. Get off your butt, put on your big girl pants and accept that life doesn't go your way. God is in charge-get over it. That is what I learned before Eric died and I am so thankful that when Eric died it didn't take years to get that lesson under my belt before I could hold my head up, lean into God and live.

Peace

Peace that passes understanding only comes from God (Phil. 4:7). I have been doing a study by Beth Moore for the past few weeks on the fruits of the Spirit and I have been wondering how I could have thought the fruits of the Spirit were so simple. I love how rich God is in every way. I think that I know God and then He shows me a new truth, a new way with a new way to strive for him.

Yesterday I learned about God's peace in provision through the example of Jesus. He fed 5,000 with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. Beth made the point that Jesus: made them aware of their need, took what little they had and had them sit down to get ready to receive his provision. I thought about how often I see my need lately, God takes what little I have and then I think...now what???? Well then answer is: sit down in your spirit and wait for God to do exactly what he promises to do...take care of your needs (Matt. 6:8, 6:25-32). I know that this seems so simple and that is because it is. It is hard to live out because we love to DO and we tend to mix up wants with needs. There is such peace in knowing that God is in control and LETTING go of our perceived control. God has proven himself faithful to me in this great time of need and now I see how he has been faithful all along I was just trying to do this life on my own all together too often.

Today I studied a few things but the thing that struck me was the story of Lazarus' death (John 11). Jesus KNEW that Lazarus was sick and that he would die, when he died and yet he waited. This was someone that the scripture clearly states that Jesus loved. He did not "come through" for the family as they had expected Jesus to (i.e. rush to them and heal Lazarus) but he did come four days after he was dead. Jesus did something that was way beyond what they thought possible: resurrect someone from the dead. Why did he do it? To bring the maximum amount of glory for God in that situation! Read the account...Jesus states that it is for God's glory and the possible belief of those around who have not yet believed!

I see how God has used Eric's death to bring himself glory and how that continues. I also see how I am in a time of waiting and sometimes I get anxious in that. This study on peace has been so encouraging. It has reminded me that God has a distinct plan in this situation...it was not out of his control. Actually it is part of a perfect plan for a supremely God glorifying result. If I am supposed to be in ministry in some way, then I think that this time of waiting is crucial to the end result that God has in mind...whatever that may be. It is exciting to wait expectantly knowing that you are in the palm of God's hand. (You are too by the way if you are a believer in Christ-very cool!)

Not liking myself today

I am not liking myself today. I am disappointed in my actions and heart. We can't always be right on the money with God but I want to be. I feel bad when I know my heart and actions don't line up with what God wants. I guess that when you feel this way the only thing to do is cry out to God, repent of any sins between you and God and ask for wisdom on how to live life for Him. I need God to lead me in my interactions with my kids, family, extended family and friends (just my short list!).

I have been super judgemental lately, impatient and quick to gossip. Man, I hate to even say the last one because I truly am disgusted by it and myself. Wow, this is what we are to do with our brothers and sisters in christ...confess our sins but I don't like it and I also know that this is a rather public forum but I think why not step out and try confessing-selfishly I hope that the result will be prayer from you who read it. Thanks for the listening ear and please pray for me as I seek God for life, sucessful living and service of Him.

Joy

I have a newfound joy. It is a joy in knowing how God has saved me and has restored me. I also have joy in the fact that God is with me in this hard time. He is my rock and salvation. I am so excited to tell you that even in the hard places God is still there. So many people have no idea how I can do this. Do what? I ask. Live without my spouse? Be the single mom? I don't know how I do this either. This is a God ordained trial of life. God did this and it will be for God's good and his glory. God has already used this so much in so many people lives and in my family's life. One thing I am finding is that I have such joy in singing praise to God. I am so aware in my heart of how God is my redeemer and is so good. I love to sing him praises and it isn't so awkward to just bust loose in song at church, in the car or the house. Ps. 71:23 "My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you-I, whom you have redeemed."

I have a newfound joy in my salvation. I am so much more aware of what God has saved me from-death! Death here and beyond. I will go to heaven when I die...I have NO doubt (2 Cor. 1:22). I also know that God is alive and ACTIVE in my life TODAY! How amazing is that. How great.
'Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." (1 Peter 4:12-13)

I hope that you are encouraged today...you have been given true life if you have placed you faith in Jesus. He forgives your sin and restores you into right relationship with God. He gives you a hope a purpose and will never leave you. God is so good-giving up yourself and your agenda are so small in the face of all that there is to gain.

God bless.