Confession

I have a confession. I have not written for a LONG time because I am a little embarrassed. I did not want people to judge the changes that God had brought into my life. This is all a bit cryptic so let me explain.

Eight months after Eric died I went to camp with some youth leaders. We were having a retreat and planning time. The first night that we were there, the youth pastor took us to a tall tower to do the zip line. Along the way, I met quite a few people that were also youth leaders. I chatted with them all and found the group to be very nice. I even spoke to a few teens that were helping with childcare. I found two of the teens, in particular, to be very charming and funny. I went about my night completely oblivious that my life was about to take a dramatic shift.

After surviving a horrible night with the kids that involved them sleeping/freaking out in my micro sized camp bunk, I "woke" to go to breakfast. I sat by a rather hilarious family and tried to drink as many watered down cups of coffee that I could get my hands on. Meanwhile, one of the men in the group kept staring at me and I thought to myself, "oh man, I MUST look bad because that guy will NOT stop staring at me!"

After the retreat, I went about my life and the next youth meeting I went to serve. Upon arrival, I saw the staring man and walked up to him and said "Hi, nice jacket" as I pulled on his jacket collar. The look of shock on his face made me acutely aware of my social blunder-I overstepped personal space. Feeling a bit foolish, I stepped back and tried to look less ridiculous.

The next week was my birthday and everyone was so sweet and supportive. I even got flowers! I was so blown away and felt so blessed. I had no expectations for that day and God just showered support and love on me through his people.

During this time, I felt that God was prompting me to be open to WHATEVER he had for me. I readily agreed and thought that God was slowly buy surely moving me towards ministry. God challenged me in a little different way. I felt God nudge me to allow the staring man into my life. I said "no" without hesitation. God then "gently" reminded me that I had said that I would be open to whatever he had for me so I relented...a little. I thought to myself, "what is the least invasive way to allow this guy into my life without me really having to let him in?" (I know, really spiritual...anyway...) I decided to friend request him on Facebook. He accepted and then God pushed me a bit farther. One night I saw that the man was on Facebook and God nudged me to chat with him. I did not to and yet I obeyed with a quick message...hellp. He quickly responded with concern and I realized that I had miss-keyed. We started to chat when the man wrote, "some day I will have to tell you about the night that we met." Well, that was bait to an overly curious fish and I said, okay!

We met at a barnes and noble. This man proceeded to tell me the story of how we chatted on the way to the tower on the first night when God did something in his heart. God opened his heart up, love rushed in and God said, "you can get remarried" (he was divorced). He did not think or want to get remarried ever again so he was completely thrown. He kept saying that he was not saying that this situation had to do with me specifically, but I knew better. It was as if God had put a huge vegas sign above this man's head and was saying-This guy is in your future! I didn't know him from Adam and I was not looking for a relationship. Yet, here was God's plan staring me right in the face. We then took the kids to Burger King so that they could eat and play. We continued to talk and then I said the unthinkable, "but he is so old". This poor guy thought, well that's it, but that was only the beginning. He nervously chatted on until I had to leave to put the kids in bed. That night I emailed him and said that I had a few things to say if he would like to hear them. We met the next day and I told him that I had a pretty good idea what God was trying to tell him. I told him that I think we were supposed to get married. From that time on, we started talking. I grilled him. We prayed. We realized that yes, we were supposed to get married and so on May 28, 2011 we tied the knot.

P.S. from his side of the story...when he met me and God opened his heart, he was floored. He kept staring at me and thinking, "does she have anything to do with this? That can't be..." I talked to his kids and they were hilarious. He said to his daughter, "she's really nice" and he never says stuff like that so she thought that meant something significant. Then the night that I grabbed his collar, he freaked out because that gesture seemed to indicate that I might think he was okay and he didn't want to really think what that meant. He started to fast and pray and after three days God told him that I would come to him. He anonymously gave me the flowers for my birthday. The night that we chatted on Facebook, he was at his office in town waiting for his daughter to finish work at a corn maze. Normally he would have been home in the country where he didn't have internet. The night that we met, he was lotioning his hands when his ring broke in half. It was a ring that he had worn on his wedding finger for five years. He had committed to God to be a Godly man because single men have quite a few opportunities for ungodly behavior. That ring breaking really freaked him out because it was clear that God was starting a new chapter for him, only that path was yet to be determined in his mind. My declaration that we were supposed to get married freaked him out, but he stuck around to find out if I was crazy or correct.

We moved in to my new husband's house and started to blend families. He has three teenagers: A boy who is 19, a girl who is 17 and another girl who is 13. Are you dying to know their names? My husbands name is Christian. The kids are Josiah, Sophia and Helena. After a month and half, we found out that we were pregnant. I am now typing with new my daughter, Naomi Joy sitting next to me. She was born on march 2 and she is tiny! The kids all love her and are so excited that she is here.

I know that this post only spurs on tons of questions and I am going to post more to answer those questions. I may even put some pictures up as well! Dare to dream! To finish up this post I would like to say, isn't God amazing! He redeemed what was lost and continues to bind up our broken hearts. He is good.

Grief Letter

Hello everyone...
It has been 10 months since Eric's accident and a lot has happened as you can imagine. Micah has started preschool and he loves it. Lydia goes to "school" too (nursery at church while I have Bible study). Micah is learning a lot at school and has grown in creativity and fine motor skills which is fun to see. Lydia is full of two year old spunk and determination. Grief wise Micah is up and down. Micah acts out and Lydia is fairly oblivious to the loss. We could still use a lot of prayer in that area. It is not an easy thing to walk through as an adult much less as a small child.

I am involved in a grief share group now. It is a support group for those who are experiencing grief from a loss. It has been very encouraging and challenging. I also have started seeing a counselor so that I have an intentional time each week to process my grief. It is hard to take the time to process when you have two small children but God is good and has provided me the opportunities to get help and time to grieve.

During this holiday season you may be wondering what I am thinking, feeling and what your role might be in this. I thought that I could offer some suggestions. It is helpful when people ask how I am doing and how the kids are doing. It is helpful when people offer a listening ear. It is fun to hear happy stories of Eric. It is encouraging to have people pray for us and to let us know that they are praying for us. I know that is is awkward for those around to see me or imagine me in pain but it is the most helpful when people offer a listening ear or prayer. I hope that as you encounter others who have suffered loss this year that you remember them in prayer and ask God how you can be an encouragement to them. Sometimes the less you say the better. If God lays something on your heart to do for someone or for my family, feel free to offer although I may not take you up on it (depending on how tired I am). Know that the offer itself is so encouraging even if it is never taken up.

I am so thankful for all the support and prayer. Prayer is not a little thing to me. I feel lifted up and can handle this load so much better when I am being interceeded for. God truly comes near to the brokenhearted and lifts them up (Psalm 34:18 paraphrase). Know that God is sustaining me and my family. How encouraging is that!?! Thanks again and I will keep you updated...

The Widow's Offering

Luke 21:1-4 As he looked up, Jesus saw the rich putting in their gifts into the temple treasury. He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. "I tell you the truth," he said "this poor widow has put in more than all the others. All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on."

I understood something about this passage recently. It is easy to give God your leftovers...it is harder when he demands it all. Then once you realize that he truly does have it all you feel greedy keeping anything from him. It is all his and he should have it. He is faithful to supply so why keep anything for myself? I don't want to sound like I have this all figured out and that I am perfect in my practice because I certainly am not but I was just struck by this thought. Having so much taken away over the years has given me so many intangible things. I want to keep the mindset of the poor widow forever. May I never lose sight of the fact that out of God's abundant mercy He provides what we need and in return we ought to give him our ALL that we have to live on-no dependence or trust in anything but God. That is a tall order. I know what I am challenged to do and you too out there in cyberland; we are called to surrender. That is a huge concept wrapped up in one word but ALL parts of life are for our Lord. Our money, our bodies, our minds, our time, our love, our life, our family, our church, our homes, our hobbies, our talents, our gifts, our experience, our jobs, our ALL. Out of surrender comes obedience, trust and dependence. Oh man are those all qualities that I just yearn for. What would we look like as a church body if we all truly submitted individually to God and collectively to God. We definitely wouldn't need the rocks to sing out! My life is changing...that is scary and exciting. When God works it is hard not to get excited. I pray that these words reach whomever they are supposed to reach. Please know that God gave me this to say for you.

8 months

It has been eight months since Eric died. What else is there to say today...not much. God is good. He has taken care of me and the kids. God is giving me strength to make it through each day and without that I would be lost. People often tell me that I am so strong. I see why they might say that but I know the truth-God is holding me up. I am not strong in myself. I am not keeping a tough upper lip. I am only able to live because I choose God and he lifts me up. We are all able to handle so much more than we think when we let God be in charge. You can't resist where God is taking you or what he has allowed to happen. The way you stay stuck is to stop, dig in and refuse to accept what is right in front of your face. We are all toddlers when it comes right down to it...we ball up our fists, stomp the ground and yell "NO!" Well guess what-that changes absolutely nothing. Get off your butt, put on your big girl pants and accept that life doesn't go your way. God is in charge-get over it. That is what I learned before Eric died and I am so thankful that when Eric died it didn't take years to get that lesson under my belt before I could hold my head up, lean into God and live.

Peace

Peace that passes understanding only comes from God (Phil. 4:7). I have been doing a study by Beth Moore for the past few weeks on the fruits of the Spirit and I have been wondering how I could have thought the fruits of the Spirit were so simple. I love how rich God is in every way. I think that I know God and then He shows me a new truth, a new way with a new way to strive for him.

Yesterday I learned about God's peace in provision through the example of Jesus. He fed 5,000 with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. Beth made the point that Jesus: made them aware of their need, took what little they had and had them sit down to get ready to receive his provision. I thought about how often I see my need lately, God takes what little I have and then I think...now what???? Well then answer is: sit down in your spirit and wait for God to do exactly what he promises to do...take care of your needs (Matt. 6:8, 6:25-32). I know that this seems so simple and that is because it is. It is hard to live out because we love to DO and we tend to mix up wants with needs. There is such peace in knowing that God is in control and LETTING go of our perceived control. God has proven himself faithful to me in this great time of need and now I see how he has been faithful all along I was just trying to do this life on my own all together too often.

Today I studied a few things but the thing that struck me was the story of Lazarus' death (John 11). Jesus KNEW that Lazarus was sick and that he would die, when he died and yet he waited. This was someone that the scripture clearly states that Jesus loved. He did not "come through" for the family as they had expected Jesus to (i.e. rush to them and heal Lazarus) but he did come four days after he was dead. Jesus did something that was way beyond what they thought possible: resurrect someone from the dead. Why did he do it? To bring the maximum amount of glory for God in that situation! Read the account...Jesus states that it is for God's glory and the possible belief of those around who have not yet believed!

I see how God has used Eric's death to bring himself glory and how that continues. I also see how I am in a time of waiting and sometimes I get anxious in that. This study on peace has been so encouraging. It has reminded me that God has a distinct plan in this situation...it was not out of his control. Actually it is part of a perfect plan for a supremely God glorifying result. If I am supposed to be in ministry in some way, then I think that this time of waiting is crucial to the end result that God has in mind...whatever that may be. It is exciting to wait expectantly knowing that you are in the palm of God's hand. (You are too by the way if you are a believer in Christ-very cool!)

Not liking myself today

I am not liking myself today. I am disappointed in my actions and heart. We can't always be right on the money with God but I want to be. I feel bad when I know my heart and actions don't line up with what God wants. I guess that when you feel this way the only thing to do is cry out to God, repent of any sins between you and God and ask for wisdom on how to live life for Him. I need God to lead me in my interactions with my kids, family, extended family and friends (just my short list!).

I have been super judgemental lately, impatient and quick to gossip. Man, I hate to even say the last one because I truly am disgusted by it and myself. Wow, this is what we are to do with our brothers and sisters in christ...confess our sins but I don't like it and I also know that this is a rather public forum but I think why not step out and try confessing-selfishly I hope that the result will be prayer from you who read it. Thanks for the listening ear and please pray for me as I seek God for life, sucessful living and service of Him.

Joy

I have a newfound joy. It is a joy in knowing how God has saved me and has restored me. I also have joy in the fact that God is with me in this hard time. He is my rock and salvation. I am so excited to tell you that even in the hard places God is still there. So many people have no idea how I can do this. Do what? I ask. Live without my spouse? Be the single mom? I don't know how I do this either. This is a God ordained trial of life. God did this and it will be for God's good and his glory. God has already used this so much in so many people lives and in my family's life. One thing I am finding is that I have such joy in singing praise to God. I am so aware in my heart of how God is my redeemer and is so good. I love to sing him praises and it isn't so awkward to just bust loose in song at church, in the car or the house. Ps. 71:23 "My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you-I, whom you have redeemed."

I have a newfound joy in my salvation. I am so much more aware of what God has saved me from-death! Death here and beyond. I will go to heaven when I die...I have NO doubt (2 Cor. 1:22). I also know that God is alive and ACTIVE in my life TODAY! How amazing is that. How great.
'Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." (1 Peter 4:12-13)

I hope that you are encouraged today...you have been given true life if you have placed you faith in Jesus. He forgives your sin and restores you into right relationship with God. He gives you a hope a purpose and will never leave you. God is so good-giving up yourself and your agenda are so small in the face of all that there is to gain.

God bless.

Tell your story

Eric died 6 months & 4 days ago. I don't really have much to say beyond that. I haven't felt all that inspired to write lately. I feel tired in pretty much every possible way. Six months of adjustment, changes, grief and caring for kids really wears a person out. I thought that things would be easier by now but I was being too optimistic. Life is just harder and that won't change for a long time. I am learning more than I could ever imagine and I hope that God will continue to teach me and someday use this story to change other people's lives. I feel like God wants me to tell my story but He hasn't led me to where, when or what. Please pray that God will give me words for whomever I need to share with and that extra rest will come when needed. Thanks to all of those out there who read this blog and pray for me and the kid-know that God has answered your prayers for comfort for us. Thanks to all...I will write again soon.

Blah! & Arg!

I am angry. I am impatient. I am ready to drop this heavy burden of sadness off. I held my friends beautiful baby boy today and I ached. I felt happiness for them as a family and emptiness for myself. I may never feel a baby inside my belly ever again and that makes me ache. I may never be able to help my son get through the anger of losing his daddy. I may never feel the warmth of a companion. I feel so alone and it makes me ache.

How do you do this? How do you walk around every day with such emptiness? My best friend was here this past week and we talked a lot about Eric and it was so fun to remember all of these good things about him. We laughed about how he would always know when we were up to something naughty. How he would play with Micah. How he would make you feel like you were the only person that he was interested in talking to when you were with him. They told Micah stories about his daddy and he just loved it. Now we are in major whiplash mode. Remembering Eric so much also leaves the awareness of him being dead. Him being dead means that there are empty places where he is supposed to be.

This weekend I had friends over and Micah had an opportunity to play with grown up guys. They were both so sweet and attentive to Micah and Micah was so appreciative. That makes me feel such urgency to get remarried when I see how Micah reponds to them. He has such a void in his life that I just can't fill. I know that remarrying for your kids sake is a terrible idea but I understand why people would feel so driven to do so...I feel like that right now.

I feel all mixed up over what I want and don't want right now. I want to grieve but I want to be done. I want to date but I don't want to date because I feel so terribly vulnerable and I feel like I would be sort of desperate. I want to branch out and be with people and yet I also want to hide away. I want to lose weight and yet I want to eat. I want to be spiritually in a healthy place and yet I also want to hide and do my own thing. I hope that this post makes it obvious that I have been having a hard week/weekend and now new week. I hope that the rest of the week improves but I guess only God knows and I am trying to run to him. I am finding this harder today because I am so very tired. Tired emotionally and physically. It has almost been six months since Eric died and the emotional strain is enormous. I still need prayers. I still need to diligently pray for help and wisdom. I need the Lord and I always have. I don't know what God has for me. I wish that I did and I wish that my patience was already developed so that it wasn't something that God had to keep working on in me. God please help me-I am in such desperate need.

Trust

Trusting God is so hard for me. It is so scary to relax in my Father's arms and wait for whatever He has for me. I went for a bike ride tonight and was talking to God. I asked Him, "why is it so much easier for me to look to man for advice and answers?"

I acknowledged the fact that I looked to Eric to stand at the helm of our lives and seek the answers and that I would just go along for the ride. I prayed but if I am really brutally honest with myself, I was passing the buck-not submitting. I had an easier time letting Eric wrestle out the hard decisions than having to do the hard work of prayer, trusting and waiting.

I think that it is funny how grief can really bring a lot of things into focus. I may never have come to this realization without having Eric die and having my hand forced. What else can I do but run to God for everything? I have no one to be the parent but me. I have no one to make financial decisions but me. I have no one to be my husband. I have no one to be the father to my kids. I have only two choices...trust God or walk away from God.

The second option is really no option at all because I tried to walk that path before and I just couldn't do it. God drew me back. He wooed me. The first option becomes my only option but it is so much harder to walk out. Walking with God is a new thing every day. He grows things in you that you never knew were possible and changes things that seemed impossible to move. My God is strong and mighty-I am just stubborn and thick-headed at times.

I am trying to walk this path out. I pray that I can let go of any control that I try to keep and offer it to God to use as He pleases.

Psalm 139:23-24 " Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

I haven't posted for a while. I feel like I have nothing to say but we will see what comes out with a little typing. I have been having a lot of "flash" memories. These memories are brief and frequent. I feel like everything reminds me of Eric or our life together. It is almost like I have to categorize it all or something. It is random, unexpected and sometimes annoying. I want it to be something that I can turn on and off but that is unrealistic. I think about Eric's death, funeral, his life, when we met, what he taught me, how he was with the kids, our plans, our struggles, our friendship, our life. It isn't easy living with one foot in the present and the other foot in the past but I guess this is part of the process.

I was thinking about Eric yesterday as we read Luke 21:5-36. Jesus was speaking to his disciples after he had ressurected from the dead. He was telling them about the end times...how terrible things will get but then he will return. Eric always said that he wasn't going to die...he would get raptured out. He would say this with a big goofy grin on his face and I loved it. I feel a little like he got raptured out but not in the biblical sense. I feel like he was choosen to go home. He didn't suffer in the way that we think of with death...he had peace. He comforted those around him as he was passing from this world into his eternal home. He sang songs to his Jesus as he was being ushered into glory. He got exactly what he joked about...a ticket out of here before the world really fell apart. I don't know when Christ will return and that it will be a glorious event. Someday all believers will go home but until then our mission is to reach those who haven't heard the wonders of the gospel message. God died for us (sinners) so that we could have an intimate and transforming relationship with him. We get to walk with the God of this universe! That is pretty amazing. God is so gracious that he would provide a way for us to be with him AND that he would take the time to change us for our good while we are here so that we can be used to draw others come to God as well.

Quick update: We went to Upper Michigan for the week. It is so beautiful up there that I wish everyone could make it up there at least once in their lifetime. We visited all of our favorite spots: my mom's old house, my dad's college, our favorite restaurant, our favorite merchantile, and we spent lots of time outside enjoying God's amazing creation! We camped a little and stayed in a hotel a little. We had a nice relaxing time and THAT was great. I did miss my computer and phone reception...I guess that I am turning into a city girl after all. This kids are doing okay. Lydia is so cute and funny. Micah is too but he is having a harder time. He is having bad dreams at night and he tells me on a regular basis that he doesn't want me to leave him-ever. I definitely need wisdom as I deal with my kids and their grief. Hope to write soon...maybe I could get some pictures up of the kids! (Dare to dream!)

Tonight

Tonight I was thinking that I know nothing about love. Why is it so hard to sacrifice? Are we all selfish creatures or is it just me? Being a mom doesn't mean that sacrificial love always comes easily. Being a wife didn't mean that I often relinquished my desires for Eric's. I feel bombarded with confusion about what love is and how to learn to love more. I read this today: " Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love it would be utterly scorned." (Song of Songs 8:6-7) I felt struck with the intensity of this love. Eric loved people deeply...what do I do to gain that type of love all of the time-the type that loves with intensity and with sacrifice at its core. I know that Jesus is the answer but how does he create more love and sacrifice within us? I am glad that I don't have to know to experience this but I wish that God would just give me his heart without causing me to have growing pains in the process.

I feel alone tonight. Intellectually I know that I am not alone but I FEEL alone. Memories of Eric hung thickly around me today. It is hard not to feel like life is somehow missing when you can't share it with your person. I feel the waves of grief bringing me closer to my memories of Eric. It is strange how one day is so different from the next-one happy and one sad. Anyway, this is where I am at...contemplative.

Vulnerable

I am not feeling like being vulnerable right now in my life but I think that I need to be. I tend to want to think, categorize, organize and analyze problems instead of talk about it. I don't like to show my soft underbelly too much because it makes me vulnerable to scrutiny and criticism. I try to fight against this at times but I far too often revert back to what it comfortable and known. Grief is not a thing that can be placed in a box for long. It oozes out. It makes life messy. Grief has set me on a path of examination. I have been looking back at my life thus far and trying to work through some of the pain and unforgiveness that I have. I have also been thinking a lot about my life with Eric on my end of the deal. What I did and didn't do. I have also been trying to pinpoint an event that was rather significant in my marriage.

Eric and I were married four months after we had met. Then we took a semester off of school and lived with and worked for my parents (that is not as awful as it may seem-they are great roommates). Anyway, in the spring we back to the Chicago area to attend seminary at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School (TEDS). I took a part-time job at a restaurant and one at a church. Eric went away for two months to do military training down south. I was alone for the summer and didn't really have any connections. I would talk to Eric most days on the phone but it just wasn't the same. Something happened that summer that I think help explains my current feelings: I felt like he was dead. I talked to him but it almost felt like it was my imagination. I bothered me so very much that I truly felt like he was dead. That summer really changed important dynamics in our marriage. I pulled away emotionally. I had a hard time reconnecting. There was part of me that felt like I couldn't let myself go completely because he wouldn't always be there. I thought that all of this was just because of my eating disorder and my trust issues with men but it went deeper than that. I have been trying to remember what triggered this feeling in me but so far it hasn't come to me-maybe it never will. It is a little crazy to me that I felt that way 6 1/2 years before Eric really did die and that I never truly shook that thought from my mind. I wonder now if that was something that God gave me all those years ago or not. Either way it has kind of made me do a double take at my life. I am looking back and trying to remember things. I am trying to figure out what was going on. I am trying to forgive myself for past mistakes and errors in judgement and actions. My emotional withdrawal hurt Eric along with my eating disorder. I wish it could have been different. We went to a pastor and wives event about six months before Eric died. It was fantastic and really opened me up to a piece of the puzzle on my trust issue with men. That really helped our marriage but it was as if it was too little too late. Our marriage wasn't on the rocks or anything, we actually had a fantastic marriage but I was losing Eric. It felt as if he was slipping slowly away. I don't know if he knew that his time was coming or if it was just depression but the last year of Eric's life was very hard for him. He had such a heart for God and really believed the best in people. His faith in the goodness of Christians was really shaken. He felt lost and confused. He didn't know if he was hearing God wrong or what the deal was. It ripped at my heart because he was the most loving and Godly man that I had known and to have him hurt was awful. I wish I could have been a better wife for him our whole marriage. I wish that I hadn't had an eating disorder. I wish that I hadn't felt like he was going to die so early in marriage because it really messed me up. I wished that I could have taken his pain away.

Is it possible to have God tell you something so far in advance? God has done this to others in the Bible but did He really speak in this situation or was that just me having trust issues? I may never get the answers but I will tell you that while I am so very sad about Eric dying, I also don't feel so very surprised now that the initial shock has worn off. It was as if I knew that he wouldn't be my only husband. Mind you I have not spent my life with Eric wishing for another, I am just saying that deep down in my gut I had this bit of knowledge that this wasn't the man that I would spend forever with. I could never imagine Eric as an old man. I know that sounds weird but I just couldn't picture it. There have been things that I felt just didn't "fit". When I look back now, it is a bit creepy. I loved Eric a lot and I still love him so I don't want you to doubt that by this post. Did God really do that in me or was it me? Everyone says that they don't know how they would survive without their spouse. I wonder if there is something wrong with me because I don't feel like life is over. I don't feel like I can't go on. I don't feel like I could never love another. I feel like I can have a good life and that I had the privilege to be married to a wonderfully godly man who gave me so many good gifts. He helped me see God clearly and heal. He helped my have two beautiful kids. He helped me find freedom and maturity. He helped me become more like Christ. He made me laugh and find joy in life. He made me look on the bright side. He helped me love. He was never a second choice or someone that I wanted to discard.

Marriage can be such a blessing-I know that mine was. Now I find myself worrying about the future. I am now in the place where I am continually submitting my fears and desires for the future to Christ. I find myself picking up the worries and then having to set them back down again in Christ's hands. I feel like God has something for me that is coming soon, but I don't know what that is. I am praying that I will be ready and equipped for whatever that next step is. I don't know if it is a ministry, job or spouse all I do know is that no matter what I need Jesus so much and I never want to forget that.

I hope that this post wasn't too random and that I did what I set out to do...be vulnerable.

017.AVI

A day at the beach with the DeValois. We thought that Micah was randomly running in the water but when asked about why he was running he said that he was protecting the sandcastles from the sharks. Vicki responded by telling him that she didn't think that the lake (in Iowa) had sharks. Micah's reponse...You never know Vicki, you just never know.

Road Trip

I am leaving for Des Moines in the morning. I am nervous to go back because I know that it will be very emotional. I don't know if I will ever go back after this time...I guess only time will tell on that one. I could use prayer as I am away. I feel blessed to be away from the place that I would consider home with Eric. Everywhere that I turn in town reminds me Eric and our life together. I want to avoid the pain but I have to walk up to the pain and through it.

Last night God told me to go to Psalm 38. The two parts of that passage that met me right where I was at were : verse 9, "All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you." and verse 15, "I wait for you, O Lord; you will answer, O Lord my God." It is no secret that I want to be married and have more children. I don't want to live my whole life without a mate, but I get inpatient. I fear that because I am single now, that this is how I will always be. This is not rational or realistic but that is not how emotions work now is it! Anyway, God just gave me a huge reassurance by leading me to this passage. Not only did it allow me to see that He does indeed know my longings but that He will answer my prayers in his time. I am called to wait. I know that this is no guarantee that I will be married but to know that God knows my heart and knows where I am at in sorrow and longings is so reassuring. I brought me such peace and security. It is hard to wait for Gods time but in the end it is always the best and all things are made complete in his timing. We have such an amazing God! I pray that God will meet you right where you are at today. Point your heart towards Him and allow God to lead you to where He will take you. He is the good Shepard. Good night. I will write again soon.

General Update

Hey folks...I thought that I would give a general update of the family. It will four months since Eric died and a lot has changed. We are adjusting to him being gone as well as we can...I think. Micah is very fearful still. He is afraid that I am going to leave and not come back. He doesn't like me to go far away, even in the house. He regressed in the potty-training department but seems to be getting back on track. I hope that the fear subsides as time goes on. He is slowly letting go of control but some days are better than others. I try to talk a lot about Eric and tell him stories and reassure him that God loves him and Eric and that his daddy is being well taken care of. The permanency of Eric's loss is almost impossible for a four year old to understand, but as the anger of not understanding bubbles up I try to reassure Micah and pray for him. Please pray that Micah will continue to express himself and that he will be able to live without being fearful.

Lydia has been doing well. She seems completely oblivious most of the time to Eric being gone and then she will bring up something that she remembers. She told my mom once while getting her diaper changed, 'daddy helps'. She remembered her dad changing her diapers. She also told me last week that I had 'daddy's bag'. It was a bag that looked like Eric's and I was surprised that she remembered Eric's stuff. She remembers more that I give her credit for-she is really smart. She has been a joy to us all as we have been grieving. She is still silly, loves to dance and tease us. She is a little ray of sunshine in all of our days and she reminds me of the joy that Eric always had. She is so stinking cute and that helps remind me that life is fun, funny and new everyday.

My mom and dad are doing okay. It is hard for them to take on new roles in the family. They have become less the grandparents and more the co-parents. They have done such an amazing job supporting us and helping out. I couldn't have done this without their help. They are definitely grieving but that is where all of us are at. We all need breaks and we try to help each other...I hope. My dad's business is doing just fine. A lot of people thought that they were out of business but that is not the case. They had very minimal fines and the damaged machine has been disassembled and taken away. They still have powder-painting and stripping machines for three other kinds of metal. There is a possibility that they will move to a different building but that is still up in the air. My mom is still working and has been REALLY busy. She works for the school district and deals with benefits. Her job is always in demand! She has had to work long hours lately because they renegotiated some of the benefits but that is how benefits works.

I have been trying to adjust to life without Eric by my side. I have been up, down and everywhere in between. I have learned so much about God's comfort and mercy. He has been so faithful to meet all of my needs that I feel blessed. I have struggled a lot with confidence lately. The past couple of weeks have been hard in the fact that God has brought to light my feelings of inadequacy and fear of being 'alone'. I thought that my time of addiction was my greatest stretching time and that I had faced all of the big lies in my life but God has used this situation to mercifully bring to light more lies to be healed. I haven't been sleeping well the past two weeks as all of this has been happening but God has graciously given me more sleep the last few days. I miss Eric a lot and feel overwhelmed by the task of raising our kids without him but I am trying to take one day at a time. I find myself avoiding scrap booking our lives because I don't want to feel the deep sadness. I also don't want to deal with making a will or figuring out my finances because for some reason that feels overwhelming. I am very aware that this is avoidance but that is where I am at. I am tired, not just physically but emotionally. I know that this is not going to change for a while so I could use some prayers for stamina and courage to ask for help when necessary. I have been going to a singles group at church and I LOVE it. They are such a great group of people and I am blessed to have them in my life. I also am going to go to a grief share group soon and I am excited to get to know other widows. I really want to have their support and offer mine. God has also brought a ministry opportunity for me in the fall. I am going to help with junior highers at church-Lord willing. I am nervous but also excited-I love junior highers! (I know that automatically makes me weird!)

I hope that this general update satisfies some of the questions you may have about what we are up to. We could use prayers still and we so appreciate the millions of prayers that have been offered for us so far. God has answered so very many prayers and we thank you for being faithful in presenting us to God. God is good. God has a plan for all of us and as we walk this path I hope that we glorify our Lord Jesus.

The Lord can heal us

While I went through an eating disorder I thought that healing would never come. My counselor set me on a path that I am forever grateful for. It was a path of healing. She showed my how coming to The Healer, ask for his help in revealing lies and then bringing healing through his truth was the only way to be set free. Psalm 103:2-3 " Praise the Lord, O my soul, forget not all of his benefits-who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases." Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

This morning I finally found a piece of healing that I really needed. I have been very thrown by this thought and I didn't know what to do. My last post was that I was struggling with being alone. It hurt so deeply that I began to wonder-what is this tapping into that I have been blind to? Was there a lie somewhere in this feeling? I presented this all to God and asked for the lie. That was a lie that was hiding within me, eating away at my security? God answered me. I felt that being alone meant being invisible and being invisible is equal to being unimportant. I used to feel this way a lot as a kid. I realized that this lie had made its way into my adulthood and drove my insecurity of being alone. Once this realization was in place then I asked God to bring his truth to the situation and He did. Isaiah 58:11 "The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame." Isaiah 54:5 "For your Maker is your husband-the Lord Almighty is his name." See...God is all we need. He provides what we need when we need it. He will never leave me or forsake me (Deut. 31:6). I am not alone, I am not insignificant. The God of the universe promises to take care of ME. He promises to love ME. He promises to be MY husband. I don't know that God has for me in the future but today I was wanting and when I came to God he filled me up. I am not alone. I am not insignificant I am God's precious child. That is a great place to be.

Alone

This is going to be a hard post. I am struggling this week with the thought that I will always be alone. I fear this thought and it makes me feel paralyzed. What if God gave me my one and only shot at marriage? What if the two kids that I have are the only ones that I will have? What if God has chosen single motherhood for me for all of my childrens lives? I don't know how to face these questions with anything but defeat. I know that I have been given a blessing in having had a great husband and marriage. I know that my kids are also a blessing and are a source of great joy. These things do not negate the fact that I am now alone and have not guaranteed that it will ever be any different. I don't know how to walk this fear out. I fight it. I want to be married. I liked being married. I want kids. I want to share life with someone and I don't know what to do with these desires. Do I want to replace Eric? No. Would I be able to love someone as deeply? Yes. I wouldn't be looking for a carbon copy of Eric. I would be open to who God has for me. Anyway, this is off topic of my overwhelming feeling that this is all life has for me-being alone with kids. This is a hard place to be and my brain wants to beat this topic until it finds a solution only no solution presents itself. I need to wait upon the Lord for strength, courage and His leading. My heart is having a hard time following what my brain knows. I know that I need to grieve but I would rather love. I know that love could come after grief but my heart doesn't feel that right now and the heart often trumps the mind-at least for women it does. I don't want to be honest with this blog but I just had to. I need to write it out so that I can see what I think. I need to write it so that someone can pray for me. I need to write this so that God can start to help me and change my heart.

Dear Eric

Dear Eric-
I love you and I always will. I want you to know that I will love other people and someday I may love and marry a man but I promise to find a godly man and a man that loves our kids. You taught me how to live. I was so bound up in fear, sin and religiousness. I was afraid of the responsiblities of being a grown-up. You were patient with me while I fought for healthiness. You were loving as you helped me get through my fears. You reassured me that I could be grown without falling on my face. You smiled in the face of adversity and said, "it is going to be alright Sar." You were my rock for many years. You showed me the way through religiousity to real relationship with God. I was so confused about how to love God without working so very hard and you showed me how God pursued me and loved me. I knew that I didn't have to do things right to get God's attention-he already graciously gave me all that I needed to be with him-all I had to do was ask. Your example of living in grace changed my life. You changed my life. I felt like I wasn't alive and you helped me wake up. I am sorry that I was selfish. I am sorry that I didn't work on issues earlier. I am sorry that I couldn't support you more this last year. If I could have taken the pain away I would have. If I could have talked to you after the accident I would have. If I could have been a better wife I would have. I promise not to live in the past. I promise not to be broken forever. I will always miss you but I promise not to get stuck. I promise to teach the kids about God the best that I can. I wish you were here but I know that you can't so I have to continue to say goodbye-see you again in heaven.

Grief to Sarah

Dear Sarah-
I am sorry that this time is hard for you. I know that I am not always welcome but I need to be here. Believe it or not I am keeping you safe. I am helping let go of the pain that Eric's death has brought you. I am helping you see that God is always going to be there and supply all of your needs. I am here to keep you company so that you know that you loved deeply. I am here so that you never forget the gifts that you have in your children, family and friends. I am here even though you want me to go so that you can walk away from this time with your head held up high and your relationship with God deeper still. I am giving you a second chance to appreciate the blessings that you have and let go of the mistakes that you made in the past. No one is perfect and most people don't get a second chance. You are getting a big blessing-embrace it. I hope that someday you can look back on our time together with appreciation but I understand that this won't happen for a while. I will leave after a while...you know that right? I hope that this letter helps you but I understand if it doesn't for some time.
Sincerely-
Grief