Luke 21:1-4 As he looked up, Jesus saw the rich putting in their gifts into the temple treasury. He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. "I tell you the truth," he said "this poor widow has put in more than all the others. All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on."
I understood something about this passage recently. It is easy to give God your leftovers...it is harder when he demands it all. Then once you realize that he truly does have it all you feel greedy keeping anything from him. It is all his and he should have it. He is faithful to supply so why keep anything for myself? I don't want to sound like I have this all figured out and that I am perfect in my practice because I certainly am not but I was just struck by this thought. Having so much taken away over the years has given me so many intangible things. I want to keep the mindset of the poor widow forever. May I never lose sight of the fact that out of God's abundant mercy He provides what we need and in return we ought to give him our ALL that we have to live on-no dependence or trust in anything but God. That is a tall order. I know what I am challenged to do and you too out there in cyberland; we are called to surrender. That is a huge concept wrapped up in one word but ALL parts of life are for our Lord. Our money, our bodies, our minds, our time, our love, our life, our family, our church, our homes, our hobbies, our talents, our gifts, our experience, our jobs, our ALL. Out of surrender comes obedience, trust and dependence. Oh man are those all qualities that I just yearn for. What would we look like as a church body if we all truly submitted individually to God and collectively to God. We definitely wouldn't need the rocks to sing out! My life is changing...that is scary and exciting. When God works it is hard not to get excited. I pray that these words reach whomever they are supposed to reach. Please know that God gave me this to say for you.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
8 months
It has been eight months since Eric died. What else is there to say today...not much. God is good. He has taken care of me and the kids. God is giving me strength to make it through each day and without that I would be lost. People often tell me that I am so strong. I see why they might say that but I know the truth-God is holding me up. I am not strong in myself. I am not keeping a tough upper lip. I am only able to live because I choose God and he lifts me up. We are all able to handle so much more than we think when we let God be in charge. You can't resist where God is taking you or what he has allowed to happen. The way you stay stuck is to stop, dig in and refuse to accept what is right in front of your face. We are all toddlers when it comes right down to it...we ball up our fists, stomp the ground and yell "NO!" Well guess what-that changes absolutely nothing. Get off your butt, put on your big girl pants and accept that life doesn't go your way. God is in charge-get over it. That is what I learned before Eric died and I am so thankful that when Eric died it didn't take years to get that lesson under my belt before I could hold my head up, lean into God and live.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Peace
Peace that passes understanding only comes from God (Phil. 4:7). I have been doing a study by Beth Moore for the past few weeks on the fruits of the Spirit and I have been wondering how I could have thought the fruits of the Spirit were so simple. I love how rich God is in every way. I think that I know God and then He shows me a new truth, a new way with a new way to strive for him.
Yesterday I learned about God's peace in provision through the example of Jesus. He fed 5,000 with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. Beth made the point that Jesus: made them aware of their need, took what little they had and had them sit down to get ready to receive his provision. I thought about how often I see my need lately, God takes what little I have and then I think...now what???? Well then answer is: sit down in your spirit and wait for God to do exactly what he promises to do...take care of your needs (Matt. 6:8, 6:25-32). I know that this seems so simple and that is because it is. It is hard to live out because we love to DO and we tend to mix up wants with needs. There is such peace in knowing that God is in control and LETTING go of our perceived control. God has proven himself faithful to me in this great time of need and now I see how he has been faithful all along I was just trying to do this life on my own all together too often.
Today I studied a few things but the thing that struck me was the story of Lazarus' death (John 11). Jesus KNEW that Lazarus was sick and that he would die, when he died and yet he waited. This was someone that the scripture clearly states that Jesus loved. He did not "come through" for the family as they had expected Jesus to (i.e. rush to them and heal Lazarus) but he did come four days after he was dead. Jesus did something that was way beyond what they thought possible: resurrect someone from the dead. Why did he do it? To bring the maximum amount of glory for God in that situation! Read the account...Jesus states that it is for God's glory and the possible belief of those around who have not yet believed!
I see how God has used Eric's death to bring himself glory and how that continues. I also see how I am in a time of waiting and sometimes I get anxious in that. This study on peace has been so encouraging. It has reminded me that God has a distinct plan in this situation...it was not out of his control. Actually it is part of a perfect plan for a supremely God glorifying result. If I am supposed to be in ministry in some way, then I think that this time of waiting is crucial to the end result that God has in mind...whatever that may be. It is exciting to wait expectantly knowing that you are in the palm of God's hand. (You are too by the way if you are a believer in Christ-very cool!)
Yesterday I learned about God's peace in provision through the example of Jesus. He fed 5,000 with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. Beth made the point that Jesus: made them aware of their need, took what little they had and had them sit down to get ready to receive his provision. I thought about how often I see my need lately, God takes what little I have and then I think...now what???? Well then answer is: sit down in your spirit and wait for God to do exactly what he promises to do...take care of your needs (Matt. 6:8, 6:25-32). I know that this seems so simple and that is because it is. It is hard to live out because we love to DO and we tend to mix up wants with needs. There is such peace in knowing that God is in control and LETTING go of our perceived control. God has proven himself faithful to me in this great time of need and now I see how he has been faithful all along I was just trying to do this life on my own all together too often.
Today I studied a few things but the thing that struck me was the story of Lazarus' death (John 11). Jesus KNEW that Lazarus was sick and that he would die, when he died and yet he waited. This was someone that the scripture clearly states that Jesus loved. He did not "come through" for the family as they had expected Jesus to (i.e. rush to them and heal Lazarus) but he did come four days after he was dead. Jesus did something that was way beyond what they thought possible: resurrect someone from the dead. Why did he do it? To bring the maximum amount of glory for God in that situation! Read the account...Jesus states that it is for God's glory and the possible belief of those around who have not yet believed!
I see how God has used Eric's death to bring himself glory and how that continues. I also see how I am in a time of waiting and sometimes I get anxious in that. This study on peace has been so encouraging. It has reminded me that God has a distinct plan in this situation...it was not out of his control. Actually it is part of a perfect plan for a supremely God glorifying result. If I am supposed to be in ministry in some way, then I think that this time of waiting is crucial to the end result that God has in mind...whatever that may be. It is exciting to wait expectantly knowing that you are in the palm of God's hand. (You are too by the way if you are a believer in Christ-very cool!)
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Not liking myself today
I am not liking myself today. I am disappointed in my actions and heart. We can't always be right on the money with God but I want to be. I feel bad when I know my heart and actions don't line up with what God wants. I guess that when you feel this way the only thing to do is cry out to God, repent of any sins between you and God and ask for wisdom on how to live life for Him. I need God to lead me in my interactions with my kids, family, extended family and friends (just my short list!).
I have been super judgemental lately, impatient and quick to gossip. Man, I hate to even say the last one because I truly am disgusted by it and myself. Wow, this is what we are to do with our brothers and sisters in christ...confess our sins but I don't like it and I also know that this is a rather public forum but I think why not step out and try confessing-selfishly I hope that the result will be prayer from you who read it. Thanks for the listening ear and please pray for me as I seek God for life, sucessful living and service of Him.
I have been super judgemental lately, impatient and quick to gossip. Man, I hate to even say the last one because I truly am disgusted by it and myself. Wow, this is what we are to do with our brothers and sisters in christ...confess our sins but I don't like it and I also know that this is a rather public forum but I think why not step out and try confessing-selfishly I hope that the result will be prayer from you who read it. Thanks for the listening ear and please pray for me as I seek God for life, sucessful living and service of Him.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Joy
I have a newfound joy. It is a joy in knowing how God has saved me and has restored me. I also have joy in the fact that God is with me in this hard time. He is my rock and salvation. I am so excited to tell you that even in the hard places God is still there. So many people have no idea how I can do this. Do what? I ask. Live without my spouse? Be the single mom? I don't know how I do this either. This is a God ordained trial of life. God did this and it will be for God's good and his glory. God has already used this so much in so many people lives and in my family's life. One thing I am finding is that I have such joy in singing praise to God. I am so aware in my heart of how God is my redeemer and is so good. I love to sing him praises and it isn't so awkward to just bust loose in song at church, in the car or the house. Ps. 71:23 "My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you-I, whom you have redeemed."
I have a newfound joy in my salvation. I am so much more aware of what God has saved me from-death! Death here and beyond. I will go to heaven when I die...I have NO doubt (2 Cor. 1:22). I also know that God is alive and ACTIVE in my life TODAY! How amazing is that. How great.
'Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." (1 Peter 4:12-13)
I hope that you are encouraged today...you have been given true life if you have placed you faith in Jesus. He forgives your sin and restores you into right relationship with God. He gives you a hope a purpose and will never leave you. God is so good-giving up yourself and your agenda are so small in the face of all that there is to gain.
God bless.
I have a newfound joy in my salvation. I am so much more aware of what God has saved me from-death! Death here and beyond. I will go to heaven when I die...I have NO doubt (2 Cor. 1:22). I also know that God is alive and ACTIVE in my life TODAY! How amazing is that. How great.
'Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." (1 Peter 4:12-13)
I hope that you are encouraged today...you have been given true life if you have placed you faith in Jesus. He forgives your sin and restores you into right relationship with God. He gives you a hope a purpose and will never leave you. God is so good-giving up yourself and your agenda are so small in the face of all that there is to gain.
God bless.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Tell your story
Eric died 6 months & 4 days ago. I don't really have much to say beyond that. I haven't felt all that inspired to write lately. I feel tired in pretty much every possible way. Six months of adjustment, changes, grief and caring for kids really wears a person out. I thought that things would be easier by now but I was being too optimistic. Life is just harder and that won't change for a long time. I am learning more than I could ever imagine and I hope that God will continue to teach me and someday use this story to change other people's lives. I feel like God wants me to tell my story but He hasn't led me to where, when or what. Please pray that God will give me words for whomever I need to share with and that extra rest will come when needed. Thanks to all of those out there who read this blog and pray for me and the kid-know that God has answered your prayers for comfort for us. Thanks to all...I will write again soon.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Blah! & Arg!
I am angry. I am impatient. I am ready to drop this heavy burden of sadness off. I held my friends beautiful baby boy today and I ached. I felt happiness for them as a family and emptiness for myself. I may never feel a baby inside my belly ever again and that makes me ache. I may never be able to help my son get through the anger of losing his daddy. I may never feel the warmth of a companion. I feel so alone and it makes me ache.
How do you do this? How do you walk around every day with such emptiness? My best friend was here this past week and we talked a lot about Eric and it was so fun to remember all of these good things about him. We laughed about how he would always know when we were up to something naughty. How he would play with Micah. How he would make you feel like you were the only person that he was interested in talking to when you were with him. They told Micah stories about his daddy and he just loved it. Now we are in major whiplash mode. Remembering Eric so much also leaves the awareness of him being dead. Him being dead means that there are empty places where he is supposed to be.
This weekend I had friends over and Micah had an opportunity to play with grown up guys. They were both so sweet and attentive to Micah and Micah was so appreciative. That makes me feel such urgency to get remarried when I see how Micah reponds to them. He has such a void in his life that I just can't fill. I know that remarrying for your kids sake is a terrible idea but I understand why people would feel so driven to do so...I feel like that right now.
I feel all mixed up over what I want and don't want right now. I want to grieve but I want to be done. I want to date but I don't want to date because I feel so terribly vulnerable and I feel like I would be sort of desperate. I want to branch out and be with people and yet I also want to hide away. I want to lose weight and yet I want to eat. I want to be spiritually in a healthy place and yet I also want to hide and do my own thing. I hope that this post makes it obvious that I have been having a hard week/weekend and now new week. I hope that the rest of the week improves but I guess only God knows and I am trying to run to him. I am finding this harder today because I am so very tired. Tired emotionally and physically. It has almost been six months since Eric died and the emotional strain is enormous. I still need prayers. I still need to diligently pray for help and wisdom. I need the Lord and I always have. I don't know what God has for me. I wish that I did and I wish that my patience was already developed so that it wasn't something that God had to keep working on in me. God please help me-I am in such desperate need.
How do you do this? How do you walk around every day with such emptiness? My best friend was here this past week and we talked a lot about Eric and it was so fun to remember all of these good things about him. We laughed about how he would always know when we were up to something naughty. How he would play with Micah. How he would make you feel like you were the only person that he was interested in talking to when you were with him. They told Micah stories about his daddy and he just loved it. Now we are in major whiplash mode. Remembering Eric so much also leaves the awareness of him being dead. Him being dead means that there are empty places where he is supposed to be.
This weekend I had friends over and Micah had an opportunity to play with grown up guys. They were both so sweet and attentive to Micah and Micah was so appreciative. That makes me feel such urgency to get remarried when I see how Micah reponds to them. He has such a void in his life that I just can't fill. I know that remarrying for your kids sake is a terrible idea but I understand why people would feel so driven to do so...I feel like that right now.
I feel all mixed up over what I want and don't want right now. I want to grieve but I want to be done. I want to date but I don't want to date because I feel so terribly vulnerable and I feel like I would be sort of desperate. I want to branch out and be with people and yet I also want to hide away. I want to lose weight and yet I want to eat. I want to be spiritually in a healthy place and yet I also want to hide and do my own thing. I hope that this post makes it obvious that I have been having a hard week/weekend and now new week. I hope that the rest of the week improves but I guess only God knows and I am trying to run to him. I am finding this harder today because I am so very tired. Tired emotionally and physically. It has almost been six months since Eric died and the emotional strain is enormous. I still need prayers. I still need to diligently pray for help and wisdom. I need the Lord and I always have. I don't know what God has for me. I wish that I did and I wish that my patience was already developed so that it wasn't something that God had to keep working on in me. God please help me-I am in such desperate need.
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