Blah! & Arg!

I am angry. I am impatient. I am ready to drop this heavy burden of sadness off. I held my friends beautiful baby boy today and I ached. I felt happiness for them as a family and emptiness for myself. I may never feel a baby inside my belly ever again and that makes me ache. I may never be able to help my son get through the anger of losing his daddy. I may never feel the warmth of a companion. I feel so alone and it makes me ache.

How do you do this? How do you walk around every day with such emptiness? My best friend was here this past week and we talked a lot about Eric and it was so fun to remember all of these good things about him. We laughed about how he would always know when we were up to something naughty. How he would play with Micah. How he would make you feel like you were the only person that he was interested in talking to when you were with him. They told Micah stories about his daddy and he just loved it. Now we are in major whiplash mode. Remembering Eric so much also leaves the awareness of him being dead. Him being dead means that there are empty places where he is supposed to be.

This weekend I had friends over and Micah had an opportunity to play with grown up guys. They were both so sweet and attentive to Micah and Micah was so appreciative. That makes me feel such urgency to get remarried when I see how Micah reponds to them. He has such a void in his life that I just can't fill. I know that remarrying for your kids sake is a terrible idea but I understand why people would feel so driven to do so...I feel like that right now.

I feel all mixed up over what I want and don't want right now. I want to grieve but I want to be done. I want to date but I don't want to date because I feel so terribly vulnerable and I feel like I would be sort of desperate. I want to branch out and be with people and yet I also want to hide away. I want to lose weight and yet I want to eat. I want to be spiritually in a healthy place and yet I also want to hide and do my own thing. I hope that this post makes it obvious that I have been having a hard week/weekend and now new week. I hope that the rest of the week improves but I guess only God knows and I am trying to run to him. I am finding this harder today because I am so very tired. Tired emotionally and physically. It has almost been six months since Eric died and the emotional strain is enormous. I still need prayers. I still need to diligently pray for help and wisdom. I need the Lord and I always have. I don't know what God has for me. I wish that I did and I wish that my patience was already developed so that it wasn't something that God had to keep working on in me. God please help me-I am in such desperate need.

Trust

Trusting God is so hard for me. It is so scary to relax in my Father's arms and wait for whatever He has for me. I went for a bike ride tonight and was talking to God. I asked Him, "why is it so much easier for me to look to man for advice and answers?"

I acknowledged the fact that I looked to Eric to stand at the helm of our lives and seek the answers and that I would just go along for the ride. I prayed but if I am really brutally honest with myself, I was passing the buck-not submitting. I had an easier time letting Eric wrestle out the hard decisions than having to do the hard work of prayer, trusting and waiting.

I think that it is funny how grief can really bring a lot of things into focus. I may never have come to this realization without having Eric die and having my hand forced. What else can I do but run to God for everything? I have no one to be the parent but me. I have no one to make financial decisions but me. I have no one to be my husband. I have no one to be the father to my kids. I have only two choices...trust God or walk away from God.

The second option is really no option at all because I tried to walk that path before and I just couldn't do it. God drew me back. He wooed me. The first option becomes my only option but it is so much harder to walk out. Walking with God is a new thing every day. He grows things in you that you never knew were possible and changes things that seemed impossible to move. My God is strong and mighty-I am just stubborn and thick-headed at times.

I am trying to walk this path out. I pray that I can let go of any control that I try to keep and offer it to God to use as He pleases.

Psalm 139:23-24 " Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

I haven't posted for a while. I feel like I have nothing to say but we will see what comes out with a little typing. I have been having a lot of "flash" memories. These memories are brief and frequent. I feel like everything reminds me of Eric or our life together. It is almost like I have to categorize it all or something. It is random, unexpected and sometimes annoying. I want it to be something that I can turn on and off but that is unrealistic. I think about Eric's death, funeral, his life, when we met, what he taught me, how he was with the kids, our plans, our struggles, our friendship, our life. It isn't easy living with one foot in the present and the other foot in the past but I guess this is part of the process.

I was thinking about Eric yesterday as we read Luke 21:5-36. Jesus was speaking to his disciples after he had ressurected from the dead. He was telling them about the end times...how terrible things will get but then he will return. Eric always said that he wasn't going to die...he would get raptured out. He would say this with a big goofy grin on his face and I loved it. I feel a little like he got raptured out but not in the biblical sense. I feel like he was choosen to go home. He didn't suffer in the way that we think of with death...he had peace. He comforted those around him as he was passing from this world into his eternal home. He sang songs to his Jesus as he was being ushered into glory. He got exactly what he joked about...a ticket out of here before the world really fell apart. I don't know when Christ will return and that it will be a glorious event. Someday all believers will go home but until then our mission is to reach those who haven't heard the wonders of the gospel message. God died for us (sinners) so that we could have an intimate and transforming relationship with him. We get to walk with the God of this universe! That is pretty amazing. God is so gracious that he would provide a way for us to be with him AND that he would take the time to change us for our good while we are here so that we can be used to draw others come to God as well.

Quick update: We went to Upper Michigan for the week. It is so beautiful up there that I wish everyone could make it up there at least once in their lifetime. We visited all of our favorite spots: my mom's old house, my dad's college, our favorite restaurant, our favorite merchantile, and we spent lots of time outside enjoying God's amazing creation! We camped a little and stayed in a hotel a little. We had a nice relaxing time and THAT was great. I did miss my computer and phone reception...I guess that I am turning into a city girl after all. This kids are doing okay. Lydia is so cute and funny. Micah is too but he is having a harder time. He is having bad dreams at night and he tells me on a regular basis that he doesn't want me to leave him-ever. I definitely need wisdom as I deal with my kids and their grief. Hope to write soon...maybe I could get some pictures up of the kids! (Dare to dream!)