My Son

Micah Micah He's my boy.

Micah Micah what a joy.

That is part of my song that I made up for Micah when he was a tiny baby. It is not a masterpiece but it is honest. Micah asked me to tell him a story about Eric tonight. I told him about how his daddy loved to be outside. How he loved to hunt with his dad and take Micah fishing. I told him about how Eric loved soccer. How Eric said that it felt like dancing when you were playing really well and how free that felt. It made me feel love for both of my guys.

I see Eric in Micah every day. How he is full of life and curiosity. How he loves to be outside and play any sport that he can. How he loves people and wants to chat if they are game. How he loves and takes care of his mom and his sister just like his daddy taught him. I prayed for Micah from the moment I saw him that he would love God with all of his heart. I don't know why that was and is the specific thing that I feel absolutely driven to pray for my little guy, but I do. That is my prayer for myself, my kids and all who happen to read this little blog.

I came home after a week away and felt sadness wash over me. I miss Eric. I see Eric around this house. I feel like he could be here at any moment. I tell Micah that Daddy can't come back because he is dead. How hard this is for Micah. He is really starting to miss Eric badly. He wants to die so that he can see daddy. I know that four year olds are not suicidal. I know that this is the logical way around the statement that daddy cannot come back to us because he is dead. If daddy can't come than I will go to him...right? I wish that Micah could have known his dad longer. I will tell him stories, show him pictures and point out what he does like his dad. I will also try to share what I feel Eric would have wanted to share. I know that I can't share like a dad, but I can share Jesus.

I can love Jesus and continue to pray that Micah loves Jesus with ALL of his HEART.

Eric and Sarah

I have a story in my head and I need to get it out. I was arriving to my first semester of graduate school when I first heard of Eric. He was one of our graduate resident assistants and his fellow RA's were checking us in. While registering and hanging out in the lounge, I heard the RA's say "where's Eric?" numerous times. I thought who is this Eric-he sounds nice. He eventually showed up at the lounge after working a shift at a restaurant. He had a warmth about him and an ease that I had never been around before or since. I thought, he seems nice. From his side the story went as follows: he finished his shift and went to the quad lounge. When he opened the door, he saw me and God said "that is the woman that you are going to marry".

Eric memorized my number and called me. We went for a bike ride in the nearby forest preserve and had such a fun time. He was easy to talk to, loved to be outside and was a great listener. We started hanging out more and more. I would come to his room to study and I did that so much that I bought a cushy pillow to sit on while I studied. He would try to get me to dance with him. I tried but I had never really danced the meringue. I am pretty sure that I blushed a thousand shades of red each time and that he loved every second. We got married 4 months after we met. God made it so clear to us that we were to be together and that was all that really mattered. I mean, if God says go you go-it doesn't matter if it makes sense to you or not. I am so glad that we were obedient. Our wedding came together in only a few weeks and it was really beautiful. God blessed our obedience.

Our marriage had some rough times even though we loved each other a lot. I had an eating disorder and Eric felt helpless. He wanted to help me get better but he couldn't. God worked on me slowly until...I got pregnant. Micah was my reason to stop. I needed an out and Micah was my out. Eric loved me patiently and helped me work on things that I need to. He answered all my questions without judgment and he loved me with a fierce and unwavering love.

We went to a hard church in a little town. Eric preferred hanging out with the "sinners" rather than the "saints". We felt small and frustrated. We were poor and often felt alone. The church mistreated us and we let them. The church got rid of us and then themselves (they merged into another church). I had thyroid surgery and then and appendectomy (not fun). We were not sure if I had cancer-scary. Then we moved in with my parents. Eric worked odd jobs to make ends meet. We scrapped by and then we had to allow my parents to carry us. We almost moved to a church in New Jersey but we missed getting voted in by one vote. It was then that we figured that Eric was meant to go to Afghanistan with his unit. Eric was surprised at this. He felt that he never was going to go but he had no idea that he was right. Eric died one month before he would be going on orders to help his unit get ready for deployment in august.

It is only after the fact that we have seen how our seemingly small and insignificant life was a testimony of our Lord. People recognized Jesus in Eric. We have heard so very many stories now of how he had impacted others for Christ. I am in awe of how little things spoke volumes to others. Wow, I wrote a lot. I have so much more to say. I think that will be for another day.

Eric Sings

My mom informed me of yet another cool Eric story. Apparently a woman who's husband helps my dad out in his business told them this story. Shirley works at the hospital that Eric was rushed to. The staff there had to create a sterile environment. While they were doing this they heard Eric singing praises to God. I thought that the only place that he did that was at the plant but he was still singing at the hospital. Just the thought of this makes me shake in awe-seriously. I mean imagine. What wonders was he seeing? What was that like? Wow.

The next day when they found out that Eric had died one of the women that had helped make the sterile environment came to Shirley and said "please tell me that young man is in heaven." To which Shirley replied "I can tell you with absolute certainty that he IS in heaven." Then she was able to share the gospel with this woman.

I am amazed how God used Eric as his witness up until the very end and beyond. I hope that this true story makes you stand in awe of our great and mighty God. I know that it does for me. It also reassures me that God is so good and will use all things for his glory. I love you Jesus.

Grief

My family is grieving. It is hard to see them hurt. My dad's factory is where Eric's accident happened. Eric was working on a stripping machine. He had loaded a large trailer hitch into the machine, closed the doors and pushed the button to slowly lower the metal into the 850 degree salt bath. Something terrible happened-the perfect storm for a reaction. The metal failed-burst and created such pressure that the doors blew off of the machine and molten salt went EVERYWHERE. Eric was knocked off of his feet and was bathed in salt. My dad heard the explosion and jumped off of the forklift that he was on. He crashed onto his knees and then ran to Eric. Todd (another employee) ran over to Eric and tried to put out Eric's clothes which were on fire. They couldn't help him enough even though they tried. Eric could still talk and he told them that it wasn't their fault and that this was an accident. Then he started to sing praises to God. I think that is when he saw the glory of the Lord. I know that he knew where he was going and that it was waiting right there for him. He was going to go home. Eric always felt sad that after he went to college he felt like he had no home. His parents love him, they still have a home but he didn't feel that thing that you feel when you are a little kid. He was never able to articulate the idea that he felt like a stranger on earth and that what he really wanted was to be at home with his Jesus. He is exactly where he should be-singing praise to Jesus face to face instead of in our home.

Eric was rushed to the hospital. They washed him off and then they put him in a medical coma. They inserted a breathing tube to secure his airway and then when they had gotten him all situated for transportation they let me see him. He was very yellow. I thought that he would look scary but he just looked yellow and patchy. His eyes were closed, hair was gone, and there was a smell. I felt numb.

We drove to Madison and I jabbered away nervously. I tried the best that I could to keep from thinking the worst. God told me before we even left the house that he would die but I didn't want to believe my ears. When I got there the staff was waiting. I asked them what was going on and they said that he had third degree burns over 99 percent of his body and that there was not enough skin to fix the damage that had been done. His kidneys had shut down and that all of this other organs would soon follow. I asked them how long I had with Eric and they said that they were waiting for me to decide. For me to decide? How could I? I knew that I had to wait for the family to get to the hospital and then I would "decide".

That night was when my heart broke. I ached for Eric, the life we were supposed to have, the life that we had already lived, the father that my kids wouldn't know and for the kids that I couldn't have with Eric. I wanted to wake up. I wanted to make it all stop. I wanted to make sense of this information that they were telling me. I wanted Eric back. Before my eyes he slipped away. His heart stopped the next day in the morning. They turned his ventilator off and he was gone for good. I held his body and wept. I pretended that I was laying my head on his sleeping chest and I remembered the contentment that I would feel when I would snuggle down with him at night and talk. I wished that I could do that again and yet I knew that that was the last time.

Funerals, visits, prayers, condolences, death certificates, social security visit, cremation, urns, autopsy, workers compensation, OSHA investigations...

Now we are trying to live. The kids won't stop growing, seasons don't stop changing (in wisconsin we do wonder if God forgot that our winter should be turning to spring soon) and I can't give up hope. I hope in our God that can make all things good. I want to take away the pain from my kids, my dad, my mom, Eric's family, the guys that Eric worked with, the church people that Eric worked with, the soldiers that Eric ministered to, the people who meet us after the fact and the pain that I feel but I can't. You can't rob grief of its time that it spends with you. I can try to push it aside but it can't and will not go away-I have to walk with it and so does everyone else.

I am glad that I got to say goodbye to Eric. I am glad that he is with his Jesus. I am glad that he is in no pain and that he is singing praises to God. I know that he is learning all that he possibly can and that when I see him again some day that it will be a joyous reunion. He is not my God but we serve the same one true God.

One Thought

One thought that God impressed upon me when I was in Eric's hospital room was, "he is not your God". It was a message that I kept hearing over and over as my heart was breaking and I had to say goodbye to Eric. Eric was my husband, father to my two amazing kids and my best friend however, he was not my universe. I feel sad today. I miss Eric a lot. I wish he were here to hug me and just be around. I miss his hugs and the way he always made me feel like life's circumstances were not so bad. I can still hear him say "it's going to alright Sar". I feel like I am losing part of him each day that he is away. I hate that.

God is faithful. People call and write everyday and tell me they are praying for us. Today I have had two friends ask how they could pray for me this day. I have been given encouraging words and scripture and in it God is reinforcing the truth that He is my God-not Eric. When I keep God in the throne of my heart, everything else seems less daunting. If I remember that God is my God and that He is a good God then an amazing thing happens-Peace. I still feel sad and I still miss Eric but I feel like it is not more than I can handle. I wish Eric were here but at least I can know that God will never leave me or forsake me. I love my friends and family. I am so thankful that they are wrapping their arms around me and helping me through this process-God's church can work! That is also encouraging.

P.S. Dave and Vicki-how did I do today? ; )

Pictures and Helpers

I went through Eric's college photos last night and put them into albums. I felt like I was invading his privacy a little bit even though he is dead. He had this whole life before me and it included all of these people that have no idea who they are. How many times has your spouse told you a story about their childhood or college life and you listen but don't absorb it because you don't really care that deeply about it and you can't really have their memory so it doesn't seem as funny or touching or whatever the emotion. Now I feel pangs of regret. I wish I knew what his pictures meant. I felt like I was a detective trying to piece together this strange and mysterious puzzle. He went to so many places and did so many things. He was all over Europe when he "studied" abroad and he went to mexico for a summer and peru on a missions trip. He saw so many places and we had planned on going to Europe for a trip when he was done with his deployment. How do I travel to Europe now? I can't imagine trying to travel with 2 kids or by myself. It is a sad thing.

On a lighter note, this morning Carissa (almost 4 year old niece) announced this morning that she had gone potty on the toi toi (toilet). We praised her because she had an accident yesterday and was pretty devistated. Then Karlene (sister-in-law) asked "who wiped you?" To which Carissa replied "Micah". We laughed so hard. Micah is a good helper but he is barely 4 years old. He also likes to wipe his butt on any towel that should happen to be in his path...so...yeah...yuck.

Children, Church and other ramblings

I went to church for the first time since Eric passed away. It was brutal. My emotions were all over the place and I wished that it the service would just finish so that I could go home and cry. I had a good cry when I got home and I was relieved that my first church going experience was done.

Today we are at my brothers house. My kids are playing away with their cousins. I am happy that they are entertained and that they are happy. They woke up early and were ready to play. No one else was awake and I was trying to "pretend" to sleep. They were not buying my performance and thus my day was started. I love my kids, I wish they would love sleep as much as I do in the mornings. Normally I waffle between being either a late night owl or an early bird. Right now I am a late night owl-my kids are not.

Well, I titled this blog as having other ramblings. Now I have nothing else to say. I am trying to figure out this new life. I am now officially the lone ranger adult. I can no longer pawn off annoying phone calls on Eric or tasks that I don't like to do and he doesn't mind. I don't know how that will work. I find that lately I want to tell him all about my day and all the things that I am doing and learning. I miss my best friend. You have no idea how much a spouse becomes part of you until they are not there. Other ramblings: I am going to buy a car that is reliable. I have never had money or the chance to buy a vehicle from a dealer. I am researching. This also is a new process. I am glad that I have family to help. They help in so many ways. I feel blessed to have them. I would be lost without everyone's support and prayers. I can't wait to be happy again. I know that grieving is not a permanent season in life, I just wish I could skip it and still be a healthy person. I know that that isn't possible so I will wait. Well, I think that I have officially rambled enough for this post.

I had a hard day today. I really missed Eric. I pulled his guitar out and put it in a stand in our room. I put a picture of him preaching in a frame and put it on his nightstand. It was then that I lost it. It is hard to understand grief. It is like a wave and it brings unexpected and intense emotion. Micah told me today that he was mad at Jesus because Jesus wouldn't let Daddy die back to us. My heart broke. How do I help a four year old understand. This is an overwhelming task at times. I wonder what God's plan is through all of this. I may never know but I wish I did.

A New Day, A New Blog

This was my husbands blog. He passed away on Feb. 10. The was one week away from his 32nd birthday. He was in a tragic accident at my father's factory. It has been the worst week of my life and yet God has shown Himself faithful. How do you live without your spouse? That is the journey that I now have to face. I know that this was his special place to share a little about himself. I think that I would like to continue even if it is only this one time. My husband loved God with all of his heart and the loved people. He wanted people to know that God loves them. That God wants to have something to do with them. God is real. God is love. God is so much bigger and better than we could ever fathom. God is good. I want everyone to know the God whom I serve and my husband now praises in heaven. Jesus is alive and wants a relationship with them. I wish that everyone could have known my husband because you would have caught just a glimpse of our loving God. He had a joy that couldn't be contained and he had a great compassion for those around him. He wasn't a saint. He wasn't fake. He was a regular guy who met Jesus and was forever and profoundly changed. That is how I want Jesus to change me, my 2 kids and you.

Gym

Sarah and I got a YMCA membership. They offer a discount to people in the military, so it makes it affordable. Plus, there is nothing to do in Wisconsin in the the winter except go to the bar or go to the gym, so I thought go to the gym is a better idea.

Sarah and I have been going at 5:00 in the morning. MAN, AM I SORE.