Trust

Trusting God is so hard for me. It is so scary to relax in my Father's arms and wait for whatever He has for me. I went for a bike ride tonight and was talking to God. I asked Him, "why is it so much easier for me to look to man for advice and answers?"

I acknowledged the fact that I looked to Eric to stand at the helm of our lives and seek the answers and that I would just go along for the ride. I prayed but if I am really brutally honest with myself, I was passing the buck-not submitting. I had an easier time letting Eric wrestle out the hard decisions than having to do the hard work of prayer, trusting and waiting.

I think that it is funny how grief can really bring a lot of things into focus. I may never have come to this realization without having Eric die and having my hand forced. What else can I do but run to God for everything? I have no one to be the parent but me. I have no one to make financial decisions but me. I have no one to be my husband. I have no one to be the father to my kids. I have only two choices...trust God or walk away from God.

The second option is really no option at all because I tried to walk that path before and I just couldn't do it. God drew me back. He wooed me. The first option becomes my only option but it is so much harder to walk out. Walking with God is a new thing every day. He grows things in you that you never knew were possible and changes things that seemed impossible to move. My God is strong and mighty-I am just stubborn and thick-headed at times.

I am trying to walk this path out. I pray that I can let go of any control that I try to keep and offer it to God to use as He pleases.

Psalm 139:23-24 " Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."