Blah! & Arg!

I am angry. I am impatient. I am ready to drop this heavy burden of sadness off. I held my friends beautiful baby boy today and I ached. I felt happiness for them as a family and emptiness for myself. I may never feel a baby inside my belly ever again and that makes me ache. I may never be able to help my son get through the anger of losing his daddy. I may never feel the warmth of a companion. I feel so alone and it makes me ache.

How do you do this? How do you walk around every day with such emptiness? My best friend was here this past week and we talked a lot about Eric and it was so fun to remember all of these good things about him. We laughed about how he would always know when we were up to something naughty. How he would play with Micah. How he would make you feel like you were the only person that he was interested in talking to when you were with him. They told Micah stories about his daddy and he just loved it. Now we are in major whiplash mode. Remembering Eric so much also leaves the awareness of him being dead. Him being dead means that there are empty places where he is supposed to be.

This weekend I had friends over and Micah had an opportunity to play with grown up guys. They were both so sweet and attentive to Micah and Micah was so appreciative. That makes me feel such urgency to get remarried when I see how Micah reponds to them. He has such a void in his life that I just can't fill. I know that remarrying for your kids sake is a terrible idea but I understand why people would feel so driven to do so...I feel like that right now.

I feel all mixed up over what I want and don't want right now. I want to grieve but I want to be done. I want to date but I don't want to date because I feel so terribly vulnerable and I feel like I would be sort of desperate. I want to branch out and be with people and yet I also want to hide away. I want to lose weight and yet I want to eat. I want to be spiritually in a healthy place and yet I also want to hide and do my own thing. I hope that this post makes it obvious that I have been having a hard week/weekend and now new week. I hope that the rest of the week improves but I guess only God knows and I am trying to run to him. I am finding this harder today because I am so very tired. Tired emotionally and physically. It has almost been six months since Eric died and the emotional strain is enormous. I still need prayers. I still need to diligently pray for help and wisdom. I need the Lord and I always have. I don't know what God has for me. I wish that I did and I wish that my patience was already developed so that it wasn't something that God had to keep working on in me. God please help me-I am in such desperate need.