Tonight

Tonight I was thinking that I know nothing about love. Why is it so hard to sacrifice? Are we all selfish creatures or is it just me? Being a mom doesn't mean that sacrificial love always comes easily. Being a wife didn't mean that I often relinquished my desires for Eric's. I feel bombarded with confusion about what love is and how to learn to love more. I read this today: " Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love it would be utterly scorned." (Song of Songs 8:6-7) I felt struck with the intensity of this love. Eric loved people deeply...what do I do to gain that type of love all of the time-the type that loves with intensity and with sacrifice at its core. I know that Jesus is the answer but how does he create more love and sacrifice within us? I am glad that I don't have to know to experience this but I wish that God would just give me his heart without causing me to have growing pains in the process.

I feel alone tonight. Intellectually I know that I am not alone but I FEEL alone. Memories of Eric hung thickly around me today. It is hard not to feel like life is somehow missing when you can't share it with your person. I feel the waves of grief bringing me closer to my memories of Eric. It is strange how one day is so different from the next-one happy and one sad. Anyway, this is where I am at...contemplative.

Vulnerable

I am not feeling like being vulnerable right now in my life but I think that I need to be. I tend to want to think, categorize, organize and analyze problems instead of talk about it. I don't like to show my soft underbelly too much because it makes me vulnerable to scrutiny and criticism. I try to fight against this at times but I far too often revert back to what it comfortable and known. Grief is not a thing that can be placed in a box for long. It oozes out. It makes life messy. Grief has set me on a path of examination. I have been looking back at my life thus far and trying to work through some of the pain and unforgiveness that I have. I have also been thinking a lot about my life with Eric on my end of the deal. What I did and didn't do. I have also been trying to pinpoint an event that was rather significant in my marriage.

Eric and I were married four months after we had met. Then we took a semester off of school and lived with and worked for my parents (that is not as awful as it may seem-they are great roommates). Anyway, in the spring we back to the Chicago area to attend seminary at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School (TEDS). I took a part-time job at a restaurant and one at a church. Eric went away for two months to do military training down south. I was alone for the summer and didn't really have any connections. I would talk to Eric most days on the phone but it just wasn't the same. Something happened that summer that I think help explains my current feelings: I felt like he was dead. I talked to him but it almost felt like it was my imagination. I bothered me so very much that I truly felt like he was dead. That summer really changed important dynamics in our marriage. I pulled away emotionally. I had a hard time reconnecting. There was part of me that felt like I couldn't let myself go completely because he wouldn't always be there. I thought that all of this was just because of my eating disorder and my trust issues with men but it went deeper than that. I have been trying to remember what triggered this feeling in me but so far it hasn't come to me-maybe it never will. It is a little crazy to me that I felt that way 6 1/2 years before Eric really did die and that I never truly shook that thought from my mind. I wonder now if that was something that God gave me all those years ago or not. Either way it has kind of made me do a double take at my life. I am looking back and trying to remember things. I am trying to figure out what was going on. I am trying to forgive myself for past mistakes and errors in judgement and actions. My emotional withdrawal hurt Eric along with my eating disorder. I wish it could have been different. We went to a pastor and wives event about six months before Eric died. It was fantastic and really opened me up to a piece of the puzzle on my trust issue with men. That really helped our marriage but it was as if it was too little too late. Our marriage wasn't on the rocks or anything, we actually had a fantastic marriage but I was losing Eric. It felt as if he was slipping slowly away. I don't know if he knew that his time was coming or if it was just depression but the last year of Eric's life was very hard for him. He had such a heart for God and really believed the best in people. His faith in the goodness of Christians was really shaken. He felt lost and confused. He didn't know if he was hearing God wrong or what the deal was. It ripped at my heart because he was the most loving and Godly man that I had known and to have him hurt was awful. I wish I could have been a better wife for him our whole marriage. I wish that I hadn't had an eating disorder. I wish that I hadn't felt like he was going to die so early in marriage because it really messed me up. I wished that I could have taken his pain away.

Is it possible to have God tell you something so far in advance? God has done this to others in the Bible but did He really speak in this situation or was that just me having trust issues? I may never get the answers but I will tell you that while I am so very sad about Eric dying, I also don't feel so very surprised now that the initial shock has worn off. It was as if I knew that he wouldn't be my only husband. Mind you I have not spent my life with Eric wishing for another, I am just saying that deep down in my gut I had this bit of knowledge that this wasn't the man that I would spend forever with. I could never imagine Eric as an old man. I know that sounds weird but I just couldn't picture it. There have been things that I felt just didn't "fit". When I look back now, it is a bit creepy. I loved Eric a lot and I still love him so I don't want you to doubt that by this post. Did God really do that in me or was it me? Everyone says that they don't know how they would survive without their spouse. I wonder if there is something wrong with me because I don't feel like life is over. I don't feel like I can't go on. I don't feel like I could never love another. I feel like I can have a good life and that I had the privilege to be married to a wonderfully godly man who gave me so many good gifts. He helped me see God clearly and heal. He helped my have two beautiful kids. He helped me find freedom and maturity. He helped me become more like Christ. He made me laugh and find joy in life. He made me look on the bright side. He helped me love. He was never a second choice or someone that I wanted to discard.

Marriage can be such a blessing-I know that mine was. Now I find myself worrying about the future. I am now in the place where I am continually submitting my fears and desires for the future to Christ. I find myself picking up the worries and then having to set them back down again in Christ's hands. I feel like God has something for me that is coming soon, but I don't know what that is. I am praying that I will be ready and equipped for whatever that next step is. I don't know if it is a ministry, job or spouse all I do know is that no matter what I need Jesus so much and I never want to forget that.

I hope that this post wasn't too random and that I did what I set out to do...be vulnerable.

017.AVI

A day at the beach with the DeValois. We thought that Micah was randomly running in the water but when asked about why he was running he said that he was protecting the sandcastles from the sharks. Vicki responded by telling him that she didn't think that the lake (in Iowa) had sharks. Micah's reponse...You never know Vicki, you just never know.

Road Trip

I am leaving for Des Moines in the morning. I am nervous to go back because I know that it will be very emotional. I don't know if I will ever go back after this time...I guess only time will tell on that one. I could use prayer as I am away. I feel blessed to be away from the place that I would consider home with Eric. Everywhere that I turn in town reminds me Eric and our life together. I want to avoid the pain but I have to walk up to the pain and through it.

Last night God told me to go to Psalm 38. The two parts of that passage that met me right where I was at were : verse 9, "All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you." and verse 15, "I wait for you, O Lord; you will answer, O Lord my God." It is no secret that I want to be married and have more children. I don't want to live my whole life without a mate, but I get inpatient. I fear that because I am single now, that this is how I will always be. This is not rational or realistic but that is not how emotions work now is it! Anyway, God just gave me a huge reassurance by leading me to this passage. Not only did it allow me to see that He does indeed know my longings but that He will answer my prayers in his time. I am called to wait. I know that this is no guarantee that I will be married but to know that God knows my heart and knows where I am at in sorrow and longings is so reassuring. I brought me such peace and security. It is hard to wait for Gods time but in the end it is always the best and all things are made complete in his timing. We have such an amazing God! I pray that God will meet you right where you are at today. Point your heart towards Him and allow God to lead you to where He will take you. He is the good Shepard. Good night. I will write again soon.

General Update

Hey folks...I thought that I would give a general update of the family. It will four months since Eric died and a lot has changed. We are adjusting to him being gone as well as we can...I think. Micah is very fearful still. He is afraid that I am going to leave and not come back. He doesn't like me to go far away, even in the house. He regressed in the potty-training department but seems to be getting back on track. I hope that the fear subsides as time goes on. He is slowly letting go of control but some days are better than others. I try to talk a lot about Eric and tell him stories and reassure him that God loves him and Eric and that his daddy is being well taken care of. The permanency of Eric's loss is almost impossible for a four year old to understand, but as the anger of not understanding bubbles up I try to reassure Micah and pray for him. Please pray that Micah will continue to express himself and that he will be able to live without being fearful.

Lydia has been doing well. She seems completely oblivious most of the time to Eric being gone and then she will bring up something that she remembers. She told my mom once while getting her diaper changed, 'daddy helps'. She remembered her dad changing her diapers. She also told me last week that I had 'daddy's bag'. It was a bag that looked like Eric's and I was surprised that she remembered Eric's stuff. She remembers more that I give her credit for-she is really smart. She has been a joy to us all as we have been grieving. She is still silly, loves to dance and tease us. She is a little ray of sunshine in all of our days and she reminds me of the joy that Eric always had. She is so stinking cute and that helps remind me that life is fun, funny and new everyday.

My mom and dad are doing okay. It is hard for them to take on new roles in the family. They have become less the grandparents and more the co-parents. They have done such an amazing job supporting us and helping out. I couldn't have done this without their help. They are definitely grieving but that is where all of us are at. We all need breaks and we try to help each other...I hope. My dad's business is doing just fine. A lot of people thought that they were out of business but that is not the case. They had very minimal fines and the damaged machine has been disassembled and taken away. They still have powder-painting and stripping machines for three other kinds of metal. There is a possibility that they will move to a different building but that is still up in the air. My mom is still working and has been REALLY busy. She works for the school district and deals with benefits. Her job is always in demand! She has had to work long hours lately because they renegotiated some of the benefits but that is how benefits works.

I have been trying to adjust to life without Eric by my side. I have been up, down and everywhere in between. I have learned so much about God's comfort and mercy. He has been so faithful to meet all of my needs that I feel blessed. I have struggled a lot with confidence lately. The past couple of weeks have been hard in the fact that God has brought to light my feelings of inadequacy and fear of being 'alone'. I thought that my time of addiction was my greatest stretching time and that I had faced all of the big lies in my life but God has used this situation to mercifully bring to light more lies to be healed. I haven't been sleeping well the past two weeks as all of this has been happening but God has graciously given me more sleep the last few days. I miss Eric a lot and feel overwhelmed by the task of raising our kids without him but I am trying to take one day at a time. I find myself avoiding scrap booking our lives because I don't want to feel the deep sadness. I also don't want to deal with making a will or figuring out my finances because for some reason that feels overwhelming. I am very aware that this is avoidance but that is where I am at. I am tired, not just physically but emotionally. I know that this is not going to change for a while so I could use some prayers for stamina and courage to ask for help when necessary. I have been going to a singles group at church and I LOVE it. They are such a great group of people and I am blessed to have them in my life. I also am going to go to a grief share group soon and I am excited to get to know other widows. I really want to have their support and offer mine. God has also brought a ministry opportunity for me in the fall. I am going to help with junior highers at church-Lord willing. I am nervous but also excited-I love junior highers! (I know that automatically makes me weird!)

I hope that this general update satisfies some of the questions you may have about what we are up to. We could use prayers still and we so appreciate the millions of prayers that have been offered for us so far. God has answered so very many prayers and we thank you for being faithful in presenting us to God. God is good. God has a plan for all of us and as we walk this path I hope that we glorify our Lord Jesus.

The Lord can heal us

While I went through an eating disorder I thought that healing would never come. My counselor set me on a path that I am forever grateful for. It was a path of healing. She showed my how coming to The Healer, ask for his help in revealing lies and then bringing healing through his truth was the only way to be set free. Psalm 103:2-3 " Praise the Lord, O my soul, forget not all of his benefits-who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases." Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

This morning I finally found a piece of healing that I really needed. I have been very thrown by this thought and I didn't know what to do. My last post was that I was struggling with being alone. It hurt so deeply that I began to wonder-what is this tapping into that I have been blind to? Was there a lie somewhere in this feeling? I presented this all to God and asked for the lie. That was a lie that was hiding within me, eating away at my security? God answered me. I felt that being alone meant being invisible and being invisible is equal to being unimportant. I used to feel this way a lot as a kid. I realized that this lie had made its way into my adulthood and drove my insecurity of being alone. Once this realization was in place then I asked God to bring his truth to the situation and He did. Isaiah 58:11 "The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame." Isaiah 54:5 "For your Maker is your husband-the Lord Almighty is his name." See...God is all we need. He provides what we need when we need it. He will never leave me or forsake me (Deut. 31:6). I am not alone, I am not insignificant. The God of the universe promises to take care of ME. He promises to love ME. He promises to be MY husband. I don't know that God has for me in the future but today I was wanting and when I came to God he filled me up. I am not alone. I am not insignificant I am God's precious child. That is a great place to be.