Tonight

Tonight I was thinking that I know nothing about love. Why is it so hard to sacrifice? Are we all selfish creatures or is it just me? Being a mom doesn't mean that sacrificial love always comes easily. Being a wife didn't mean that I often relinquished my desires for Eric's. I feel bombarded with confusion about what love is and how to learn to love more. I read this today: " Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love it would be utterly scorned." (Song of Songs 8:6-7) I felt struck with the intensity of this love. Eric loved people deeply...what do I do to gain that type of love all of the time-the type that loves with intensity and with sacrifice at its core. I know that Jesus is the answer but how does he create more love and sacrifice within us? I am glad that I don't have to know to experience this but I wish that God would just give me his heart without causing me to have growing pains in the process.

I feel alone tonight. Intellectually I know that I am not alone but I FEEL alone. Memories of Eric hung thickly around me today. It is hard not to feel like life is somehow missing when you can't share it with your person. I feel the waves of grief bringing me closer to my memories of Eric. It is strange how one day is so different from the next-one happy and one sad. Anyway, this is where I am at...contemplative.