Vulnerable

I am not feeling like being vulnerable right now in my life but I think that I need to be. I tend to want to think, categorize, organize and analyze problems instead of talk about it. I don't like to show my soft underbelly too much because it makes me vulnerable to scrutiny and criticism. I try to fight against this at times but I far too often revert back to what it comfortable and known. Grief is not a thing that can be placed in a box for long. It oozes out. It makes life messy. Grief has set me on a path of examination. I have been looking back at my life thus far and trying to work through some of the pain and unforgiveness that I have. I have also been thinking a lot about my life with Eric on my end of the deal. What I did and didn't do. I have also been trying to pinpoint an event that was rather significant in my marriage.

Eric and I were married four months after we had met. Then we took a semester off of school and lived with and worked for my parents (that is not as awful as it may seem-they are great roommates). Anyway, in the spring we back to the Chicago area to attend seminary at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School (TEDS). I took a part-time job at a restaurant and one at a church. Eric went away for two months to do military training down south. I was alone for the summer and didn't really have any connections. I would talk to Eric most days on the phone but it just wasn't the same. Something happened that summer that I think help explains my current feelings: I felt like he was dead. I talked to him but it almost felt like it was my imagination. I bothered me so very much that I truly felt like he was dead. That summer really changed important dynamics in our marriage. I pulled away emotionally. I had a hard time reconnecting. There was part of me that felt like I couldn't let myself go completely because he wouldn't always be there. I thought that all of this was just because of my eating disorder and my trust issues with men but it went deeper than that. I have been trying to remember what triggered this feeling in me but so far it hasn't come to me-maybe it never will. It is a little crazy to me that I felt that way 6 1/2 years before Eric really did die and that I never truly shook that thought from my mind. I wonder now if that was something that God gave me all those years ago or not. Either way it has kind of made me do a double take at my life. I am looking back and trying to remember things. I am trying to figure out what was going on. I am trying to forgive myself for past mistakes and errors in judgement and actions. My emotional withdrawal hurt Eric along with my eating disorder. I wish it could have been different. We went to a pastor and wives event about six months before Eric died. It was fantastic and really opened me up to a piece of the puzzle on my trust issue with men. That really helped our marriage but it was as if it was too little too late. Our marriage wasn't on the rocks or anything, we actually had a fantastic marriage but I was losing Eric. It felt as if he was slipping slowly away. I don't know if he knew that his time was coming or if it was just depression but the last year of Eric's life was very hard for him. He had such a heart for God and really believed the best in people. His faith in the goodness of Christians was really shaken. He felt lost and confused. He didn't know if he was hearing God wrong or what the deal was. It ripped at my heart because he was the most loving and Godly man that I had known and to have him hurt was awful. I wish I could have been a better wife for him our whole marriage. I wish that I hadn't had an eating disorder. I wish that I hadn't felt like he was going to die so early in marriage because it really messed me up. I wished that I could have taken his pain away.

Is it possible to have God tell you something so far in advance? God has done this to others in the Bible but did He really speak in this situation or was that just me having trust issues? I may never get the answers but I will tell you that while I am so very sad about Eric dying, I also don't feel so very surprised now that the initial shock has worn off. It was as if I knew that he wouldn't be my only husband. Mind you I have not spent my life with Eric wishing for another, I am just saying that deep down in my gut I had this bit of knowledge that this wasn't the man that I would spend forever with. I could never imagine Eric as an old man. I know that sounds weird but I just couldn't picture it. There have been things that I felt just didn't "fit". When I look back now, it is a bit creepy. I loved Eric a lot and I still love him so I don't want you to doubt that by this post. Did God really do that in me or was it me? Everyone says that they don't know how they would survive without their spouse. I wonder if there is something wrong with me because I don't feel like life is over. I don't feel like I can't go on. I don't feel like I could never love another. I feel like I can have a good life and that I had the privilege to be married to a wonderfully godly man who gave me so many good gifts. He helped me see God clearly and heal. He helped my have two beautiful kids. He helped me find freedom and maturity. He helped me become more like Christ. He made me laugh and find joy in life. He made me look on the bright side. He helped me love. He was never a second choice or someone that I wanted to discard.

Marriage can be such a blessing-I know that mine was. Now I find myself worrying about the future. I am now in the place where I am continually submitting my fears and desires for the future to Christ. I find myself picking up the worries and then having to set them back down again in Christ's hands. I feel like God has something for me that is coming soon, but I don't know what that is. I am praying that I will be ready and equipped for whatever that next step is. I don't know if it is a ministry, job or spouse all I do know is that no matter what I need Jesus so much and I never want to forget that.

I hope that this post wasn't too random and that I did what I set out to do...be vulnerable.