Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Vivid
Today I was outside with my son. We were digging, throwing, hitting the ball and hanging out. I sat down after a while and I was taking in the scenery. My parents live on the lake and it is beautiful. I don't think that I could be living in a better place right now. It is so peaceful here and there is much comfort in that. Anyway, as I was sitting there and I was struck with how vivid creation is. It is so vibrant and alive. I had a true moment of rest in the beauty of what God has made. God is such a wonderful creator. The lake has so much LIFE going on and usually I am too busy to notice. I think that Eric's death has brought a new awareness of life. If feel a more urgent need to live life, enjoy life and not waste my life. I am no longer in denial that life can be over at any time. I no longer assume that I will live until I am an elderly woman. That has changed everything. What am I doing today that matters? What do my kids need? How do I take the next step today-whatever that happens to be for today. These are the things that I think about when I am in the moment instead of stuck on saddness or business. I am glad that I had a still moment.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Bad Day
I am having a bad day today. I feel lonely. I HATE feeling lonely. My natural response is to wish it away, to distract myself. The hardest thing to do when you face hardships is to look the storm right in the face and walk towards it. It is counterintuitive. It is unnatural. It is exactly how you heal. So here I am. I am sitting here thinking about my life. I am missing Eric. I am mourning the loss of my future with him. I am worrying/wondering what will happen next. I find myself daydreaming about what could be rather than what is. I have been here before. I have faced trials and I failed. I ran away. I wished it away. I got mad at God. This time I am resolved. I am grounded. I know my God is right here with me in ALL of this. I am deciding to face my fears and to face my feelings. I am also resolved not to wish this time away. I want to grieve well. How do you grieve well? I think that this kind of thing is grieving well.
I miss my person. I wish my kids had thier daddy. I wish I could look down the road of life and at least know that I would have somebody walking with me. How did I get here? Where does God have me going? When will this stop hurting? I have so many questions that will never be resolved and that is something that I have to be okay with even if I don't want to be at times. Most of the time I feel so very comforted by God and his faithfulness. I still do and yet I am feeling a lot of pain and loneliness today too. I hope that when you face problems that you submit your requests to God.
I miss my person. I wish my kids had thier daddy. I wish I could look down the road of life and at least know that I would have somebody walking with me. How did I get here? Where does God have me going? When will this stop hurting? I have so many questions that will never be resolved and that is something that I have to be okay with even if I don't want to be at times. Most of the time I feel so very comforted by God and his faithfulness. I still do and yet I am feeling a lot of pain and loneliness today too. I hope that when you face problems that you submit your requests to God.
Pictures
Here are a few of the pictures from the burial and of Eric's fixed ring (and my ring). The papers are the papers that we put with Eric's urn in the urn vault.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Who am I O Lord?
2 Samuel 7:18-19 Then King David went in and sat before the Lord, and he said: "Who an I," O Soverign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? And as if this were not enough in your sight, O Lord, you have also spoken about the future of the house of your servant. Is this your ususual way of dealing with man, O Soverign Lord?
David wanted to do something for God. He wanted to provide the ark a "proper" home. God appreciated that David's heart was for God but God had other plans. He told David that He would bless David's family. David is in awe of what God has just said that he would do and part of his response is what I have recorded above.
This is how our amazing God works. I was at Bible study and one of the ladies relayed a story of how her parents responded differently to a situation that they normally would have been upset about. They told her they wanted to keep the perspective that their first response to all situations would be to sing praises to God just like Eric did in the face of death. She also said that she reads this blog as do her parents and that they are praying for us. These things just put me in a place of awe. It is so humbling to be used by God and to see how God continues to use Eric. I responded to this friend with these words, "who am I that God would use me?" Then after that conversation we watched our Bible study video. I wonder if you can guess where we were at in the Bible (hint: see the verses above). God is good.
David wanted to do something for God. He wanted to provide the ark a "proper" home. God appreciated that David's heart was for God but God had other plans. He told David that He would bless David's family. David is in awe of what God has just said that he would do and part of his response is what I have recorded above.
This is how our amazing God works. I was at Bible study and one of the ladies relayed a story of how her parents responded differently to a situation that they normally would have been upset about. They told her they wanted to keep the perspective that their first response to all situations would be to sing praises to God just like Eric did in the face of death. She also said that she reads this blog as do her parents and that they are praying for us. These things just put me in a place of awe. It is so humbling to be used by God and to see how God continues to use Eric. I responded to this friend with these words, "who am I that God would use me?" Then after that conversation we watched our Bible study video. I wonder if you can guess where we were at in the Bible (hint: see the verses above). God is good.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Eric's Journal
I dug out Eric's books from storage and I looked through them today. I found his makeshift bookmarks in many of the books. It was like there was still a little piece of him lingering in those books. It was this annoying little habit of his those makeshift bookmarks. He would use pens, empty gum wrapers, scraps of paper, Qtips and unused toilet paper. His favorite was the pen because he would underline and mark up his books. I bought him these flat pen bookmarks as a silly gift. His annoying habits don't bother me anymore I sometimes wonder why I found them so annoying now. For instance, I could count on Eric to leave his socks next to the bed. He would always wear socks to bed and them take them off before getting into bed. In the morning he would get out of bed and then leave the socks sitting there. I would make the bed every day and be slightly annoyed that he wouldn't pick those stupid socks up. He would crunch his toes up and he would pick at his toes when he was nervous. I hated that-yuck right! He would twirl his pen around and around when he was in a boring meeting or tap it on the table. All of those things are so small and so insignificant now. They were never things that we had fights about but those are the small things that you don't fully see until you are with someone for a while.
Back to the main topic...Eric's journals. He didn't have much written in the journals some of it was bible study ideas and some were from his travels in Europe. There were a few entries from 2005-before Micah was born, a couple after Micah and then one a year after his ministry in Polk City started. It was hard to read. It is hard to see the struggle that he had written down on paper. I knew how he felt but the words just jumped off of the page. One entry was sad to me because we were in a rough time and I was feeling selfish and depressed. I knew I was hurting him but my own issues overrode the fact that they were affecting him too. I feel such regret at times. After you look back on your addiction you see how very many people you hurt and how you can never take that back. I feel sad when I gain a new level of awareness about these things. I talked to a friend tonight and that really helped. She reminded me that Eric was not a saint. I tend to think very highly of him which can be good and bad. I respected him so very much and I valued what he thought and said. Marriage is a two way street. I didn't do everything right but there were times that Eric was wrong too. He should have told me certain things that he didn't. He should have been more honest about his feelings even though it would hurt me. He should have let me be right one or two more times then he did. I feel like his list of should have's is so much shorter than mine but I was the one that God told him to marry. We loved each other and I have to cling to that. I am glad that I grew up while we were married. I am ready to live life as a healthy and happy adult. I wish that I could have shown Eric that and that were could have had more time together but I am blessed with the ability to look forward to the possibility of marrying again and knowing the beauty that marriage can hold. I know that I can avoid some mistakes and overcome others. I feel ready face the future with confidence knowing that God has seen me through so much and that He will continue to do so. I love the fact that I can say God is good and mean it with all my heart.
Back to the main topic...Eric's journals. He didn't have much written in the journals some of it was bible study ideas and some were from his travels in Europe. There were a few entries from 2005-before Micah was born, a couple after Micah and then one a year after his ministry in Polk City started. It was hard to read. It is hard to see the struggle that he had written down on paper. I knew how he felt but the words just jumped off of the page. One entry was sad to me because we were in a rough time and I was feeling selfish and depressed. I knew I was hurting him but my own issues overrode the fact that they were affecting him too. I feel such regret at times. After you look back on your addiction you see how very many people you hurt and how you can never take that back. I feel sad when I gain a new level of awareness about these things. I talked to a friend tonight and that really helped. She reminded me that Eric was not a saint. I tend to think very highly of him which can be good and bad. I respected him so very much and I valued what he thought and said. Marriage is a two way street. I didn't do everything right but there were times that Eric was wrong too. He should have told me certain things that he didn't. He should have been more honest about his feelings even though it would hurt me. He should have let me be right one or two more times then he did. I feel like his list of should have's is so much shorter than mine but I was the one that God told him to marry. We loved each other and I have to cling to that. I am glad that I grew up while we were married. I am ready to live life as a healthy and happy adult. I wish that I could have shown Eric that and that were could have had more time together but I am blessed with the ability to look forward to the possibility of marrying again and knowing the beauty that marriage can hold. I know that I can avoid some mistakes and overcome others. I feel ready face the future with confidence knowing that God has seen me through so much and that He will continue to do so. I love the fact that I can say God is good and mean it with all my heart.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Romans 2:17-29
17 Now you, if you call yourself a Jew; if you rely on the law and brag about your relationship to God; 18 if you know his will and approve of what is superior because you are instructed by the law; 19 if you are convinced that you are a guide to the blind, a light for those who are in the dark, 20 an instructor of the foolish, a teacher of infants, because you have in the law the embodiment of knowledge and truth- 21 you,then, who teach others, do you not teach yourself? You who preach against stealing, do you steal? 22 You who say that people should not commit adultery, do you commit adultery? You who abhor idols, do you rob temples? 23 You who brag about the law, do you dishonor God by breaking the law? 24 As it is written: "God's name is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you." 25 Circumcision has value if you observe the law, but if you break the law, you have become as though you had not been circumcised. 26 If those who are not circumcised keep the law's requirements, whill they not be regarded as though they were circumcised? 27 The one who is not circumcised physically and yet obeys the law will condemn you who, even though you have that written code and circumcision, are a lawbreaker. 28 A man is not a Jew if he is only one outwardly, nor is circumcision merely outward and physical. 29 No a man is a Jew if he is one inwardly; and circumcision of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the written code. Such a man's praise is not from men, but from God.
Wow does this passage kick me in the butt. I love it when Paul lays down the hammer on the religious Jews. I love it because the issues that Paul was struggling with are similar to what we struggle with today in the Christian community. That is not what I want to discuss first. I wanted to let you know where Paul was coming from. He was a former ultra religious Jew. If there was a rule, he followed it. If there was an i to dot the dotted it, if there was a t-well you get the point. Paul is setting up an arguement that begins in this section of scripture. He is going to show that God's path to him has always been and will continue to be faith in the Messiah who is Jesus. The mark of circumcision was to show everyone out there that they were part of Gods chosen people and would be part of Gods blessings. This sign soon became the "automatic in" in a lot of people's thinking. Paul is trying to show them that they are mistaken and is about to lay out the truth.
I was stuck while reading this passage of how applicable this is today in the christian community. How often do people live moral "christian" lives. They know the right things to do and the right things to say and yet they have not let God transform (circumcise) their hearts. It is God's desire to save you from yourself and heal you. He wants to transform the inside of you so that the outside reflects the change. We often think that we have to look the part before we are the part. God says that this is all backwards. My prayer for you today is that you would allow God to transform your life...he will never lead you astray.
Wow does this passage kick me in the butt. I love it when Paul lays down the hammer on the religious Jews. I love it because the issues that Paul was struggling with are similar to what we struggle with today in the Christian community. That is not what I want to discuss first. I wanted to let you know where Paul was coming from. He was a former ultra religious Jew. If there was a rule, he followed it. If there was an i to dot the dotted it, if there was a t-well you get the point. Paul is setting up an arguement that begins in this section of scripture. He is going to show that God's path to him has always been and will continue to be faith in the Messiah who is Jesus. The mark of circumcision was to show everyone out there that they were part of Gods chosen people and would be part of Gods blessings. This sign soon became the "automatic in" in a lot of people's thinking. Paul is trying to show them that they are mistaken and is about to lay out the truth.
I was stuck while reading this passage of how applicable this is today in the christian community. How often do people live moral "christian" lives. They know the right things to do and the right things to say and yet they have not let God transform (circumcise) their hearts. It is God's desire to save you from yourself and heal you. He wants to transform the inside of you so that the outside reflects the change. We often think that we have to look the part before we are the part. God says that this is all backwards. My prayer for you today is that you would allow God to transform your life...he will never lead you astray.
Hallelujah
I was singing a song in the car yesterday and Micah asked, "what does that word mean?" He was referring to the word 'Hallelujah'. I gave him a definition and then had that moment of slight concern. Did I just get that wrong? It is funny how many words that you hear and think that you know for sure until you kid asks you to explain it. So for all of you that are now paranoid that you do not know the definition here it is:
Hallelujah:
Used to express praise to God: used to express praise, joy or thanks to God.
etymology: Hebrew (meant to praise the Lord)
Here is the song that we were singing: It is and Eddie Kirkland song from his CD Orthodoxy.
Hallelujah:
Used to express praise to God: used to express praise, joy or thanks to God.
etymology: Hebrew (meant to praise the Lord)
Here is the song that we were singing: It is and Eddie Kirkland song from his CD Orthodoxy.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Control
I have a control issue. It was at its peak before I went into treatment. I thought that life could be managed. It could be put into boxes and that all things should work out for my plan if I tried, sweated and worried enough. These are the kinds of things that you don't always see in yourself or recognize as issues until you are overwhelmed by it all.
My world fell apart when I got suicidal and found myself living in a psych ward for three days. I was on suicide watch for the first 24 hours. That means that they come and check on you every 10 minutes of those 24 hours. All through the night the door would open up and they would check on me. Every 10 minutes I was reminded about how I went from a college student to a psych case. It was in that time of life that my ideals were shattered. I saw that I had no control over anything in life and that this God that I served was doing something in my life that I really didn't understand or like. I did not even have the security of trusting myself with my life. I regained the desire to live with the humiliation of having an obvious problem and then I had to learn how to live in an uncertain world.
Our sinful nature is what brings us back to that desire for control. We want what we want, how we want it and when we want it. The american dream says that if WE work hard enough than WE can have whatever life WE want. God doesn't operate on those beliefs. God is not interested in our agenda for life. HE is in control whether you always want him to be or not. The funny thing about all of this is that God is good. He wants the very best for us and he will give you exactally what you can handle. I love that. Now I believe that.
I still have control issues and I still tend to want to worry-who doesn't? It is still a sinful place that I have to offer up to God. I have developed a practice to help combat this and I hope that it helps you out there in computer land. I have taken to heart the scripture that states "pray continually" (help me out with the book/chapter/verse my brain can't remember). It is a powerful thing to continually expose your heart to God. I am really honest with God. He already knows so why sugar coat it? Then I turn it around and ask for help, wisdom, strength etc. When I need extra focus I talk to someone I trust so that I can descalate my thinking enough to pray.
Right now I worry about my kids. I want them to have a good daddy. I feel this compulsion to find a dad for them even though I am still in the grieving process-it is part of my grieving process I guess. I wasn't ready to be done having kids. I want more children. I want to have a baby living in my belly again. It is one of the most awe inspiring things in the world. I want to live life with someone and grow old together. These are the things that try to consume my thoughts most days. How will God shape my life from here on out? I don't know. I can't make life happen any quicker and I don't want to. I want to enjoy where I am at today and live today the way God wants it to be. I want to grieve well so that I can live well when it is time. I want to love my kids well. I want to love God well-don't you. I ultimately don't want control-I want God in control and enough faith to stand back. That is the power of God that has worked in me to get me to the point that I know what my tendencies are and I don't desire them.
Eric's death was not expected. I could not control that. I am not angry. I was angry when I fell apart in college. Control is what made me feel that way. I thought that I should have it and that God messed up. It is a peaceful place to be in when you rest in who God is and accept that this is part of God's plan. God allowed Eric to come home and not me. Eric was done with his race and I am not. I don't know if God will give me a husband at some point but worry will not make it happen. Control is the great illusion.
My world fell apart when I got suicidal and found myself living in a psych ward for three days. I was on suicide watch for the first 24 hours. That means that they come and check on you every 10 minutes of those 24 hours. All through the night the door would open up and they would check on me. Every 10 minutes I was reminded about how I went from a college student to a psych case. It was in that time of life that my ideals were shattered. I saw that I had no control over anything in life and that this God that I served was doing something in my life that I really didn't understand or like. I did not even have the security of trusting myself with my life. I regained the desire to live with the humiliation of having an obvious problem and then I had to learn how to live in an uncertain world.
Our sinful nature is what brings us back to that desire for control. We want what we want, how we want it and when we want it. The american dream says that if WE work hard enough than WE can have whatever life WE want. God doesn't operate on those beliefs. God is not interested in our agenda for life. HE is in control whether you always want him to be or not. The funny thing about all of this is that God is good. He wants the very best for us and he will give you exactally what you can handle. I love that. Now I believe that.
I still have control issues and I still tend to want to worry-who doesn't? It is still a sinful place that I have to offer up to God. I have developed a practice to help combat this and I hope that it helps you out there in computer land. I have taken to heart the scripture that states "pray continually" (help me out with the book/chapter/verse my brain can't remember). It is a powerful thing to continually expose your heart to God. I am really honest with God. He already knows so why sugar coat it? Then I turn it around and ask for help, wisdom, strength etc. When I need extra focus I talk to someone I trust so that I can descalate my thinking enough to pray.
Right now I worry about my kids. I want them to have a good daddy. I feel this compulsion to find a dad for them even though I am still in the grieving process-it is part of my grieving process I guess. I wasn't ready to be done having kids. I want more children. I want to have a baby living in my belly again. It is one of the most awe inspiring things in the world. I want to live life with someone and grow old together. These are the things that try to consume my thoughts most days. How will God shape my life from here on out? I don't know. I can't make life happen any quicker and I don't want to. I want to enjoy where I am at today and live today the way God wants it to be. I want to grieve well so that I can live well when it is time. I want to love my kids well. I want to love God well-don't you. I ultimately don't want control-I want God in control and enough faith to stand back. That is the power of God that has worked in me to get me to the point that I know what my tendencies are and I don't desire them.
Eric's death was not expected. I could not control that. I am not angry. I was angry when I fell apart in college. Control is what made me feel that way. I thought that I should have it and that God messed up. It is a peaceful place to be in when you rest in who God is and accept that this is part of God's plan. God allowed Eric to come home and not me. Eric was done with his race and I am not. I don't know if God will give me a husband at some point but worry will not make it happen. Control is the great illusion.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Feeling Good
I feel good today. I have been feeling really down lately. I think that the shock of Eric's death has finally worn off and I am feeling the emotion of it all now more acutely. I get choked up sometimes when I talk about him and I find myself missing him a lot. I also have started to have strange dreams. Last night I had dreams with this guy that I know in it. It wasn't an inappropriate dream or anything- It was as if my brain was trying to process something else and the t.v. screen in my head got stuck on the same image. Then it would skip around someone stealing my debit card and me finding skin cancer. I wish I knew if their was any sense to be had out of all of that. Needless to say, I had a restless night of sleep.
Last night I went to our young singles group at church. It was a lot of fun and I wasn't the oldest one there-oh yeah. I decided to give the group a try because I don't feel like I belong in married mom world anymore. I am not sure where I fit so I thought that I should try a place where people are single then I wouldn't be reminded about the fact that my other half is missing. It is strange to be able to relate to where everyone else is at and to lend some wisdom where they might be in a few years. God has really blessed me. I have had a great marriage. I have two great kids and I have the ability to care for them. I have good health and I have a great family and good friends. Last night we talked about not wasting our lives and so far I feel like I have lived quite a bit of my life. I had hard times, I have regrets but I certainly have a lot of life experience to draw upon because of those things.
I got up this morning and exercised. It is the first time since Eric's accident. I feel proud of myself. I did something that is good for my heart and my soul. It was something that Eric and I did together and I did it alone and I actually liked it. I didn't feel broken or sad. I did "feel the burn". I like "normal" moments because the make me feel like everything will be alright in the end.
Micah is definitely more clingy the last few days when I leave without him. I am trying to walk the line of supporting him and treating it like it is not a big deal. He is worried that I will leave and never come back. I know that most kids go through a phase like this anyway, but lets face it...Micah has a valid reason to feel like he does. Eric left and never came back. How can you really help that fear? I tell him what I am doing and that I will be back in a little while (or a more specific time frame) but it doesn't help. I leave and he really breaks down. I am trying to be patient. I find it hard to be really sympathetic because I am so tapped out emotionally. I wish that I could wave a magic wand and things like this would go away. I wish that my kids never had to feel this pain but I can't make it go away I can only pray that God uses it in a mighty way in their lives and mine. I pray for wisdom a lot. I hope that this prayer "works". I know that is the wrong way to put that thought down but I can't think of another way to say it.
Last night I went to our young singles group at church. It was a lot of fun and I wasn't the oldest one there-oh yeah. I decided to give the group a try because I don't feel like I belong in married mom world anymore. I am not sure where I fit so I thought that I should try a place where people are single then I wouldn't be reminded about the fact that my other half is missing. It is strange to be able to relate to where everyone else is at and to lend some wisdom where they might be in a few years. God has really blessed me. I have had a great marriage. I have two great kids and I have the ability to care for them. I have good health and I have a great family and good friends. Last night we talked about not wasting our lives and so far I feel like I have lived quite a bit of my life. I had hard times, I have regrets but I certainly have a lot of life experience to draw upon because of those things.
I got up this morning and exercised. It is the first time since Eric's accident. I feel proud of myself. I did something that is good for my heart and my soul. It was something that Eric and I did together and I did it alone and I actually liked it. I didn't feel broken or sad. I did "feel the burn". I like "normal" moments because the make me feel like everything will be alright in the end.
Micah is definitely more clingy the last few days when I leave without him. I am trying to walk the line of supporting him and treating it like it is not a big deal. He is worried that I will leave and never come back. I know that most kids go through a phase like this anyway, but lets face it...Micah has a valid reason to feel like he does. Eric left and never came back. How can you really help that fear? I tell him what I am doing and that I will be back in a little while (or a more specific time frame) but it doesn't help. I leave and he really breaks down. I am trying to be patient. I find it hard to be really sympathetic because I am so tapped out emotionally. I wish that I could wave a magic wand and things like this would go away. I wish that my kids never had to feel this pain but I can't make it go away I can only pray that God uses it in a mighty way in their lives and mine. I pray for wisdom a lot. I hope that this prayer "works". I know that is the wrong way to put that thought down but I can't think of another way to say it.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
New Life
I have this new life. I life that I never anticipated having. Some days I feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the task of daily life as a single mom and other days I don't give it a second thought. I like the days where I don't have to bring up Eric's passing as a way to explain my situation-whatever it happens to be. I feel this strange need to tell people that he died so that they know. I don't know why I do that. I did that after treatment too. It is this compulsion to spill your guts. Some people clam up and I apparently have the opposite problem. Eric never had that problem. He always seemed to know what to say and not say. He had a knack for keeping his mouth shut when it was a sketchy situation. He was wise with his words. I learned a lot from living and loving him. I am not such a shock jock anymore but when everything hits the fan I get a loose tongue about my life. I hope that someone out there identifies with me on this point.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Escape
I want to escape what I am feeling today. Grief brings up a lot of emotions-not just emotions about the here and now but also your past. I am feeling a lot of regret about my college years. I did not have a fun college experience like so many people do. I went through the roughest season of my life during college and the first two years of my marriage. I had an eating disorder for seven years. I started off as an anorexic and then decided to be a bulimic. It was a terrible decision and it robbed me of my life. I robbed myself.
I went into inpatient treatment during my junior year of college and it was the most humiliating thing that I have ever done. I had built my life on building walls, keeping myself from judgement and ridicule. This one step in life made me so vulnerable and so open to judgement that my world shattered. I had prayed for two years that God would fix me. I prayed that He would help me get better and I had no answer (or so I thought). I gave up and in that giving up I despaired. I became suicidal and friends stepped in. They found me help and I went. I felt as though I was floating above my body for three days. I couldn't believe that I was in a psych ward. I was smart. I was a "good" girl. I wanted to follow Jesus with all of my heart and here I was. Broken. Shattered. Unheard.
For 40 days I went to treatment. It was the best thing that happened to me in the long run because it got the healing started. I saw a christian counselor my whole senior year of college and then went to seminary. I met Eric, got married and was bulimic until I got pregnant with Micah.
I felt so ashamed for so long. I couldn't even look at the people in Campus Crusade at my school. I felt like they would always see me as messed up and that is how I felt. I withdrew so much that year and I knew no one by the end except my roommates who I was unkind to most days. I regret the mistakes that I made for so long. I regret losing precious time that I can never get back.
I was snooping on one of my friends facebook pages. I looked through her friends to see if she had friends from college. She still had so many and they still hang out. I wanted to be there. I wanted to be in the pictures. I wanted to have a good past. I wanted a good history but I don't.
The thing that I will say is that that long journey helped reframe my faith. I wanted to trust and depend on God and I wrote a commitment to that. I married Eric on the two year anniversary of that commitment. I still mean it. God still honors that request. I saw how faithful God is. I saw how my time frame doesn't matter to God. I learned that God is not a genie-we don't get what we pray for but He will always give us what we need. Ultimately I am glad that I went through that season of life because God woke me up, washed me off and made me new. I am happy with who I am now and before I hated myself. I had so many rules about God that I didn't see the grace and freedom that God offers. I thought God was fickle and that I had to always work to please Him but He IS LOVE. You can't make God not love you and you can't make him love you more. God loves you because he made you. That brings me a lot of peace.
I feel lonely. I want someone to be with me in life. I wish that it was Eric. I have an opportunity to trust and depend on God in an even deeper way. I swear sometimes I would love to be done growing in my faith-that is-until I am done with that growth spirt and I an rejoice in what only God can do.
I feel a lot better after this blog. Thanks for listening to my somewhat random thoughts.
I went into inpatient treatment during my junior year of college and it was the most humiliating thing that I have ever done. I had built my life on building walls, keeping myself from judgement and ridicule. This one step in life made me so vulnerable and so open to judgement that my world shattered. I had prayed for two years that God would fix me. I prayed that He would help me get better and I had no answer (or so I thought). I gave up and in that giving up I despaired. I became suicidal and friends stepped in. They found me help and I went. I felt as though I was floating above my body for three days. I couldn't believe that I was in a psych ward. I was smart. I was a "good" girl. I wanted to follow Jesus with all of my heart and here I was. Broken. Shattered. Unheard.
For 40 days I went to treatment. It was the best thing that happened to me in the long run because it got the healing started. I saw a christian counselor my whole senior year of college and then went to seminary. I met Eric, got married and was bulimic until I got pregnant with Micah.
I felt so ashamed for so long. I couldn't even look at the people in Campus Crusade at my school. I felt like they would always see me as messed up and that is how I felt. I withdrew so much that year and I knew no one by the end except my roommates who I was unkind to most days. I regret the mistakes that I made for so long. I regret losing precious time that I can never get back.
I was snooping on one of my friends facebook pages. I looked through her friends to see if she had friends from college. She still had so many and they still hang out. I wanted to be there. I wanted to be in the pictures. I wanted to have a good past. I wanted a good history but I don't.
The thing that I will say is that that long journey helped reframe my faith. I wanted to trust and depend on God and I wrote a commitment to that. I married Eric on the two year anniversary of that commitment. I still mean it. God still honors that request. I saw how faithful God is. I saw how my time frame doesn't matter to God. I learned that God is not a genie-we don't get what we pray for but He will always give us what we need. Ultimately I am glad that I went through that season of life because God woke me up, washed me off and made me new. I am happy with who I am now and before I hated myself. I had so many rules about God that I didn't see the grace and freedom that God offers. I thought God was fickle and that I had to always work to please Him but He IS LOVE. You can't make God not love you and you can't make him love you more. God loves you because he made you. That brings me a lot of peace.
I feel lonely. I want someone to be with me in life. I wish that it was Eric. I have an opportunity to trust and depend on God in an even deeper way. I swear sometimes I would love to be done growing in my faith-that is-until I am done with that growth spirt and I an rejoice in what only God can do.
I feel a lot better after this blog. Thanks for listening to my somewhat random thoughts.
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