Feeling Good

I feel good today. I have been feeling really down lately. I think that the shock of Eric's death has finally worn off and I am feeling the emotion of it all now more acutely. I get choked up sometimes when I talk about him and I find myself missing him a lot. I also have started to have strange dreams. Last night I had dreams with this guy that I know in it. It wasn't an inappropriate dream or anything- It was as if my brain was trying to process something else and the t.v. screen in my head got stuck on the same image. Then it would skip around someone stealing my debit card and me finding skin cancer. I wish I knew if their was any sense to be had out of all of that. Needless to say, I had a restless night of sleep.

Last night I went to our young singles group at church. It was a lot of fun and I wasn't the oldest one there-oh yeah. I decided to give the group a try because I don't feel like I belong in married mom world anymore. I am not sure where I fit so I thought that I should try a place where people are single then I wouldn't be reminded about the fact that my other half is missing. It is strange to be able to relate to where everyone else is at and to lend some wisdom where they might be in a few years. God has really blessed me. I have had a great marriage. I have two great kids and I have the ability to care for them. I have good health and I have a great family and good friends. Last night we talked about not wasting our lives and so far I feel like I have lived quite a bit of my life. I had hard times, I have regrets but I certainly have a lot of life experience to draw upon because of those things.

I got up this morning and exercised. It is the first time since Eric's accident. I feel proud of myself. I did something that is good for my heart and my soul. It was something that Eric and I did together and I did it alone and I actually liked it. I didn't feel broken or sad. I did "feel the burn". I like "normal" moments because the make me feel like everything will be alright in the end.

Micah is definitely more clingy the last few days when I leave without him. I am trying to walk the line of supporting him and treating it like it is not a big deal. He is worried that I will leave and never come back. I know that most kids go through a phase like this anyway, but lets face it...Micah has a valid reason to feel like he does. Eric left and never came back. How can you really help that fear? I tell him what I am doing and that I will be back in a little while (or a more specific time frame) but it doesn't help. I leave and he really breaks down. I am trying to be patient. I find it hard to be really sympathetic because I am so tapped out emotionally. I wish that I could wave a magic wand and things like this would go away. I wish that my kids never had to feel this pain but I can't make it go away I can only pray that God uses it in a mighty way in their lives and mine. I pray for wisdom a lot. I hope that this prayer "works". I know that is the wrong way to put that thought down but I can't think of another way to say it.