Eric's Journal

I dug out Eric's books from storage and I looked through them today. I found his makeshift bookmarks in many of the books. It was like there was still a little piece of him lingering in those books. It was this annoying little habit of his those makeshift bookmarks. He would use pens, empty gum wrapers, scraps of paper, Qtips and unused toilet paper. His favorite was the pen because he would underline and mark up his books. I bought him these flat pen bookmarks as a silly gift. His annoying habits don't bother me anymore I sometimes wonder why I found them so annoying now. For instance, I could count on Eric to leave his socks next to the bed. He would always wear socks to bed and them take them off before getting into bed. In the morning he would get out of bed and then leave the socks sitting there. I would make the bed every day and be slightly annoyed that he wouldn't pick those stupid socks up. He would crunch his toes up and he would pick at his toes when he was nervous. I hated that-yuck right! He would twirl his pen around and around when he was in a boring meeting or tap it on the table. All of those things are so small and so insignificant now. They were never things that we had fights about but those are the small things that you don't fully see until you are with someone for a while.

Back to the main topic...Eric's journals. He didn't have much written in the journals some of it was bible study ideas and some were from his travels in Europe. There were a few entries from 2005-before Micah was born, a couple after Micah and then one a year after his ministry in Polk City started. It was hard to read. It is hard to see the struggle that he had written down on paper. I knew how he felt but the words just jumped off of the page. One entry was sad to me because we were in a rough time and I was feeling selfish and depressed. I knew I was hurting him but my own issues overrode the fact that they were affecting him too. I feel such regret at times. After you look back on your addiction you see how very many people you hurt and how you can never take that back. I feel sad when I gain a new level of awareness about these things. I talked to a friend tonight and that really helped. She reminded me that Eric was not a saint. I tend to think very highly of him which can be good and bad. I respected him so very much and I valued what he thought and said. Marriage is a two way street. I didn't do everything right but there were times that Eric was wrong too. He should have told me certain things that he didn't. He should have been more honest about his feelings even though it would hurt me. He should have let me be right one or two more times then he did. I feel like his list of should have's is so much shorter than mine but I was the one that God told him to marry. We loved each other and I have to cling to that. I am glad that I grew up while we were married. I am ready to live life as a healthy and happy adult. I wish that I could have shown Eric that and that were could have had more time together but I am blessed with the ability to look forward to the possibility of marrying again and knowing the beauty that marriage can hold. I know that I can avoid some mistakes and overcome others. I feel ready face the future with confidence knowing that God has seen me through so much and that He will continue to do so. I love the fact that I can say God is good and mean it with all my heart.