Control

I have a control issue. It was at its peak before I went into treatment. I thought that life could be managed. It could be put into boxes and that all things should work out for my plan if I tried, sweated and worried enough. These are the kinds of things that you don't always see in yourself or recognize as issues until you are overwhelmed by it all.

My world fell apart when I got suicidal and found myself living in a psych ward for three days. I was on suicide watch for the first 24 hours. That means that they come and check on you every 10 minutes of those 24 hours. All through the night the door would open up and they would check on me. Every 10 minutes I was reminded about how I went from a college student to a psych case. It was in that time of life that my ideals were shattered. I saw that I had no control over anything in life and that this God that I served was doing something in my life that I really didn't understand or like. I did not even have the security of trusting myself with my life. I regained the desire to live with the humiliation of having an obvious problem and then I had to learn how to live in an uncertain world.

Our sinful nature is what brings us back to that desire for control. We want what we want, how we want it and when we want it. The american dream says that if WE work hard enough than WE can have whatever life WE want. God doesn't operate on those beliefs. God is not interested in our agenda for life. HE is in control whether you always want him to be or not. The funny thing about all of this is that God is good. He wants the very best for us and he will give you exactally what you can handle. I love that. Now I believe that.

I still have control issues and I still tend to want to worry-who doesn't? It is still a sinful place that I have to offer up to God. I have developed a practice to help combat this and I hope that it helps you out there in computer land. I have taken to heart the scripture that states "pray continually" (help me out with the book/chapter/verse my brain can't remember). It is a powerful thing to continually expose your heart to God. I am really honest with God. He already knows so why sugar coat it? Then I turn it around and ask for help, wisdom, strength etc. When I need extra focus I talk to someone I trust so that I can descalate my thinking enough to pray.

Right now I worry about my kids. I want them to have a good daddy. I feel this compulsion to find a dad for them even though I am still in the grieving process-it is part of my grieving process I guess. I wasn't ready to be done having kids. I want more children. I want to have a baby living in my belly again. It is one of the most awe inspiring things in the world. I want to live life with someone and grow old together. These are the things that try to consume my thoughts most days. How will God shape my life from here on out? I don't know. I can't make life happen any quicker and I don't want to. I want to enjoy where I am at today and live today the way God wants it to be. I want to grieve well so that I can live well when it is time. I want to love my kids well. I want to love God well-don't you. I ultimately don't want control-I want God in control and enough faith to stand back. That is the power of God that has worked in me to get me to the point that I know what my tendencies are and I don't desire them.

Eric's death was not expected. I could not control that. I am not angry. I was angry when I fell apart in college. Control is what made me feel that way. I thought that I should have it and that God messed up. It is a peaceful place to be in when you rest in who God is and accept that this is part of God's plan. God allowed Eric to come home and not me. Eric was done with his race and I am not. I don't know if God will give me a husband at some point but worry will not make it happen. Control is the great illusion.