Missouri and Arkansas

I came down south for a visit to Eric's parents and for a memorial service for Eric at his college-College of the Ozarks. The service was saturday. It was humble and small but it was meaningful. I was nervous to meet his friends from college because I wasn't sure how I would relate. What if Eric was so different then that the man I married wasn't who they knew? Fortunately, Eric was Eric. It was encouraging to me that they loved the man that I love. They knew about how he was slow to speak. They knew that he was a hard worker. They knew that he was silly and did things in his own way. They knew Eric.

I traveled down to Arkansas after that. Today we went to a monument shop and we picked out Eric's gravestone. It was so hard to pick something out. You want it to be something that you like, the family likes and most importantly something that accurately shows who Eric was and what was important to him. We picked a black granite stone. We will have a cross with a music staff swirling off of it. His name will be in a box. The birth and death dates will be below that on polished stone. There will be an acoustic guitar in the corner and Gal. 5:1 will be below that ("it is for freedom that Christ has set you free"). The back of the marker will have Husband of Sarah, Father to Micah & Lydia, Chaplain, Captain, Pastor & Friend.

I went through so many emotions when I was there. I felt angry that Eric "stuck" me with all of these decisions. I felt sad that he was gone. I felt relieved that this part of the journey was almost done. I felt tired. I feel tired. I want this to be done soon so that I can rest. I miss the feeling rested. I know that will come with time but I wish I could speed the process along.

We bury Eric's urn on Wednesday. The headstone will come in a few months.

"I am the bread of life" John 6:35

I finally made my Amish friendship bread. I babysat a batch and then split it but didn't bake it. Tonight I stayed up late to bake this bread because some things are easier to do when the kids are asleep. I wanted to check the computer to see what was going on in the world and I found out that I was inspired to write about bread. Jesus said that he is the bread of life in John 6:35 but a few verses before that he said "I tell you the truth, it is not Moses who has given you the bread from heaven, but it is my Father who gives you the true bread of heaven. For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world." (vs. 32-33)

These verses stuck out to me tonight. I have often heard the bread of life quote but I have not heard the verses before that recited. It struck me today because God is using Eric's death in profound ways in other people lives and mine. People have commented to me that they admire my strength and faith. I am not quite sure what to say. I don't feel extraordinary in any way. God has given me my faith. God sustains me. God saved me. God used this situation to bring glory to His name.

Jesus pointed out to the people that Moses didn't provide for them. He was not someone to deify. God sent manna from heaven to reveal another part of himself to those people. It was part of his loving effort to draw them to himself. While manna didn't last past the desert, Jesus has always been and he always will be. He provides a way to true life. He is the bread that we can partake in and never hunger spiritually again. He is the water that satisfies our soul.

My bread downstairs smells so good. If we are Christ's followers we get to be the aroma of Christ to all who are seeking. I feel as though God has put a spotlight on my "aroma" right now and that He is giving me the ability to be cinnamon and sugar Amish friendship bread-or whatever appeals to your soul. It is God working in me and I am really amazed. I am just me. I am not different from any of you yet God is using little me and my husband to exhalt His name. I find that very cool and very encouraging. I hope that this blog makes you hungry for bread...I have a ton in my kitchen!

To Iowa and back

I traveled to Iowa to visit friends. I didn't get to any other friends but the ones that I stayed with. I wish that I could have seen more people but I just wasn't up to it. It was so much harder to be in Polk City than I had anticipated. We haven't lived in Iowa for a year and yet it still feels like home in some ways. Everywhere that I drove reminded me of my life with Eric. It was our first place as a family. We made a niche for ourselves and I didn't realize how deep it was. I am glad that I went and I will go back. I need to go back. I want to go back.

I am so glad to be home. It feels safe and calm. I am not reminded be Eric at every turn because I had a life here way before I ever knew Eric. I have memories and happy times here. I have family. I am glad that God brought us here.

I worked for a long time today to get my bicycle ready for riding with micah and lydia. I attached a tag-along to the back of my bike and a baby seat in front of mine. We shall see if it works or if we are just going to be "the crazy lady and her kids who try impossibly crazy things."

I feel so very tired. I need sleep desperately. I hope that life settles into a nice rhythm soon. I am going to Eric's college for a memorial service, then I am going to Eric's parents house for a visit and to bury his ashes. After that I hope that we can have a few weeks of "normal" activites. I think that it is good to see everyone but it is also good to stay at home and do regular stuff.

Micah went to the dentist today. This was his second visit to a dentist but he FREAKED out. I felt so bad. He is always a cautious kid, but he is more hesitant about things since Eric's death. He is much more attached to me than he has ever been and I am never sure if what he is doing is a result of his grief or his preschoolerness. Please pray for me that I would have wisdom to handle the kids and their grief.

This was a random post but that is exactly how I feel today. I want to write on Romans again so...brace yourselves!

STRESS

I am with my best friend and her kids and I feel stress. I feel stress everywhere-all of the time. It is in my stressed out moments that I see my grief. I feel 'okay' except for having a short tolerance for any shenanigans. That makes me feel frustrated because it proves to me that live is not normal and that I have to change and adapt.

People ask how I am doing and sometimes I just want to yell at them. I would love to say 'leave me alone...my husband JUST died! How do you THINK that I am doing?' I know that they are trying to show care to me and so I bite my tongue and accept their care and love for me and my family. I hope that this doesn't make anyone paranoid to ask, but I just wish that I wasn't in this place to start with.

I sat in Walgreens yesterday uploading pictures for printing so that I could use them for scrapbooking. I felt so alone. I HATE that. I am not a cripple. Being single is not a curse and I do not want to start pitying myself. How do you feel sad for a loss without feeling sorry for yourself? I just feel so tired, sad and most of all STRESSED today.

Goodnight

Feeling a wave of loneliness. I don't like to think about Eric much. I guess what I mean to say is I don't like it when my thoughts get stuck on what our future could have, would have, should have been. It sneaks up on me and then wham-a slap of reality in the face. I am fine if I keep Eric and our good memories as one part of me and the daily stuff of life as another part. It is hard when the 'yucky' stuff seeps in. I used Eric's car today, I sold our other car. I bought a new car but it is getting a special coating inside and out so that stains don't have a permanent place in the vehicle. Anyway, I had to use my keys (obviously). The 'yucky' part is that I have Eric's key for the car on the same key chain (I am in the middle of selling Eric's car). Eric's key is melted from the accident. It makes me flood with thoughts and emotions that I have to stop. I can tell that my brain wants to get stuck in the 'what if' place. I don't want to revisit the accident. I know what happened. I lived in it's horrible wake for weeks and I don't want to live there any more. I want to remember good things, happy times and our LIFE together. How he died was such a short time in our lives and yet it changed everything. I wanted more kids. I wanted to see our marriage get even better. I wanted to see Eric preach again. I want Eric. We had a whole life together that isn't being lived. I have decided to live even though it is different and I don't always like it. That is the way life is. God doesn't guarantee anything in this life except Jesus. I forget that so often...don't you? I refuse to give in to the paralysis of wanting what you can't have. I will look to what is possible-with Christ all things are possible. I miss Eric but I will not lay down and give up. I did that with my eating disorder for a few years and I know that in that choice I forfeited living a life. I can't go back and live those years, but I can live the ones that God has graciously given me. God numbers all of our days. Eric's were complete and he went home. My days are not at an end and so I will press on. I don't know where God wants me next but as I write I have two little people sleeping that need a live mom not a zombie mom. I don't know how to parent them right now, but I pray that God gives me wisdom and discernment to provide what is required and needed. Please pray for my kids. They are trying the best they can to figure this out and some days are harder than others. Today was a hard day with the kids.

My lonely cyberspace world. I am glad that I have you as my place to write all that wanders around in my head. Goodnight.

Romans 2:1-16

1 You therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. 2 Now we know that God's judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. 3 So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment? 4 Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance, and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance? 5 But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God's wrath, when his righteous judgment will be revealed. 6 God "will give to each person according to what he has done" 7 To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life. 8 But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger. 9 There will be trouble and distress for every human being who does evil: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile; 10 but glory, honor and peace for everyone who does good: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. 11 For God does not show favoritism. 12 All who sin apart from the law will also perish apart from the law, and all who sin under the law will be judged by the law. 13 For it is not those who hear the law who are righteous in God's sight, but it is those who obey the law who will be declared righteous. 14 (Indeed, when Gentiles, who do not have the law, do by nature things required by the law, they are a law for themselves, even though they do not have the law, 15 since they show that the requirements of the law are written on their hearts, their consciences also bearing witness, and their thoughts now accusing, now even defending them.) 16 This will take place on the day when God will judge men's secrets through Jesus Christ, as my gospel declares.

Paul was writing to the Jews first and foremost. They were the ones that "had it all". Jews were God's chosen people and apparently enough of them felt like they had an "in" with God so they didn't seek God wholeheartedly. They looked down their noses at the Gentiles-those sinners. They judged them. They exalted themselves. Paul sets the record straight. God will judge all. He does not discriminate. We all have some form of knowledge of God's law (wether it is Moses' law or a moral law) and God will kick your butt if you are going to play the who is so perfect game. God always wins-you are not good enough.

How many times have I looked down my nose at those who are "sinners"? How many times have I looked down on fellow believers? Too many to count. We are so deceived if we think that we are better than someone else. God didn't save you because you were good enough or better than someone else. We are not saved by what we do it is a gift-freely given by God. We are not made more like God because we follow rules or try to be super good. God's kindness leads to repentance. Never forget who you are (a sinner) and what God did for you-BECAUSE YOU NEEDED IT! God doesn't want our actions nearly as much as our heart (he would pick heart over actions every time). It is in submitting a broken heart to God that we become useful to God. The church would be wise to humble itself before God and other people and ask forgiveness for this pridefulness that we so often fall into.

I hope that I did God's word justice. I felt God challenging me to continue on with Eric's blog through Romans. I have resisted for a couple of days because I felt inadequate for this type of thing but at the end of the day it doesn't matter how well this turns out- it matters more that I obey.

Hope

I have no explanation for the hope that I have. It is not just a hope in my Christ but a hope that I have in a future. Eric was in the hospital bed one month ago today. We were waiting for the family to come so that I could let him go. I felt the heartbreak and agony of realization that I would no longer would share this earth with Eric. Amidst that I kept hearing 'it is going to be okay'. I have heard that message over and over in my heart this past month. I know that God is the God of all comfort. He has comforted me and I have hope. I had the best husband in the world. He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was in love with Jesus and he wasn't afraid to show it. He wasn't afraid to be with 'sinners'. He was alive in a way that I had never known until I knew him. He was always ready to learn and grow. He was the best example of Jesus in my entire life. Oh how I relish the thought of Eric in heaven. I KNOW Eric. I can see his smile. I KNOW that he is so happy. He is complete. He is home and I find comfort in that. Deep and abiding comfort.

Video, Pics and Words...Oh my!

Micah's super cheesy grin and Lydia's man hat.

Lydia's face before her ride and resulting giant smile!

Wisconsin is warming up and we are loving every minute of it. This is a video I took last week. There is now less snow and more mud. Micah and Lydia have mud boots and are getting plenty dirty!

I had a little time to get away today. A woman from my church has set up a childcare schedule for me. The people come for three hours and I have helpers about two times a week. I ran errands and then I sat in my car at a park and wrote in my journal. I listened to music and tried to embrace any feelings that came along. I find myself wanting to be distracted with thoughts of possible future scenarios rather that how I miss Eric. It is so easy to find reasons to not to think about this whole situation. I like to think about what I will do different with this phase of my life. I am a naturally fearful person. I have a hard time trying new things, especially if people are watching. Eric always amazed me. He never seemed to care what other people thought of him. He would try something and wouldn't care who thought that he looked silly. He was always so free and I loved that. I have this overwhelming desire to spread my wings and fly. I just don't know where to and for what purpose. I guess I will have to wait to find out God's plan.

I had a very "Eric" moment in Walmart this weekend. I was in the electronics department looking at laptops when one of the employees came up to me. He asked if I needed help etc. and then all of a sudden he is sharing his whole life story, talking about his church past, the end times (in his own way) and all I could think was AHHH ERIC! you handed your gift of evangelism off to me and I DON'T want it. I totally froze. I had nothing worth while to say and man I had a PRIME opportunity. The man practically shoved the gospel opportunity down my throat and I could only think of how this moment must have been what Eric experienced on a regular basis. He had the gift of evangelism. He was like honey for bees. People would walk up to him, engage him in conversation and then ask him spiritual questions! I have never had that experience until this weekend. I choked up mentally with memories of Eric. I pray that next time (if I have a next time-yikes) that God will give me the words.

I feel like Eric is right around the corner. This weekend Lydia noticed Eric's car in the driveway and was saying in a sing-song voice, "Daddy where are you? Daddy where are you?". It was so sweet and so sad. I said "Daddy is dead, he is up in heaven". I hate doing that. With kids you have to say those words way more than you would ever desire to. It bugs me way more than it does Lydia.

Thats all for today.

The Plant Mission

I am not a plant person. I worked one summer on a landscape crew during college but that did not turn me into a horticulturist. In fact, when we moved to Polk City IA, I let Eric's plant die on purpose. It was his favorite plant, he even named it Carson as in D.A. Carson-anyway, I digress. I let it die because I thought that it would be shameful to let a perfectly good plant get thrown away so "LOGICALLY" I let it die through neglect. I now regret this decision so do not comment that I am an evil plant killer. That was a long introduction to say that I am now trying to salvage a plant that I unknowingly brought to deaths door. It is a beautiful gardenia bonsai or at least it was. I watered it, put it in sun and almost killed it. The plant is not to be watered with water softened water and it has to be water by placing the pot into a shallow bath of water. I have purchased supplies to aid in my endeavor:fertilizer, new soil, additive to increase acidity and of course not treated water. Grief makes you do weird things.

I feel pretty good today. I had lots of time and space. Lydia was a little sick so she and I stayed home while Micah went with my mom and dad to their church. I ran some errands by myself and took a walk with the kids after dinner. The lake is really starting to melt and yet some fisherman are still driving their cars on the lake. It is morbid but I love to watch them to see if their cars will fall through. They never get hurt but their cars usually do...oh well (if you could see me I am smiling a smirkity smile).

Depressing

I am having a hard time the last few days. I am so very tired and I feel a bit sick on top of that. I wish that life could fast forward sometimes and that I could just be in a better place. I would even take a not feeling a bit sick day. I got Eric's ring to the jeweler two days ago. My day had been really great until then. I felt really...happy. I was not prepared for the emotion of pulling his ring out, explaining what I wanted done and why I wanted the ring sized to my finger. The accident was recent enough that the woman knew what accident I was talking about. It felt very yucky. I just wanted the whole thing to be over. I hate having people look at me, look at my kids and then give me this look. I hate the 'look'. It makes me feel like everyone is in disbelief that I am still breathing and speaking. It is a look that says, 'how on earth are you going to raise these two little ones without your husband?'. It is a look of pity and so much more.

My next stop was my dad's factory. I had to fax my wedding certificate, the kids birth certificates and Eric's death certificate to the workers comp. company. It was also very depressing. There were our official highlights in four pieces of paper. How small and insignificant that seems. I know that they need that stuff but I wish that I wasn't the one who had to do this stuff. I know that I can wish all that I want, this is part of life as a grown up-doing things that have to get done even when you don't want to do it.

I talked with one of the pastors at my church yesterday. It is amazing how my thoughts and feelings now mirror those that he had when his wife passed away. There is always comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this experience. It is good to know that I could truly feel okay and that my kids can be okay as well. Intellectually you can know things but it is always different once you get to the experiential part.

A lot of people ask how the kids are doing. I am not sure. Lydia is feeling rather sensitive the last few days but that could be because she isn't feeling very good. She is wanting to be held more often as well. I would say that none of her behaviors are really that different from how she usually is. Micah has seemingly endless energy to burn which makes me tired just watching him. He asks about his dad every once in a while, but I think it is just to check to see if the answer is still the same. The other night he finally wanted to have me tell him fun things about Eric rather that replay all the events of his death and funeral. He got a lot more peaceful after we started reading a book about heaven. I think that it answered a lot of his questions that he was unable to articulate. I pray for wisdom a lot..I always have but especially since Micah was born.

Part of the conversation I had with the pastor included an encouragement that I wanted to share. God works all things out for His good. All the circumstances that God has allowed into my life will be used for His good. How many of us really believe that when things don't go our way? God doesn't say that we will always get to live our american dream or that He doesn't love us if bad things happen to us. God IS good-it is not only a quality of his but it is him. It is a great encouragement to me that God will use my life for His good. I would also like for my life to bring Him glory. What a privilege that God would use us at all-Right? Cool thought.

All the Work

My son told me yesterday that he had to do all the work outside after his nap. Here is a list of his work: help take the garbage and recycling out to the curb, shovel the snow in the yard into a pile and then move it to a new pile, snowblow the yard with his pretend lawnmower, wash his tractor and wagon with water, spray our cars down for me so I could wash them and 'drive' me to school in our clean cars (he was the grandpa-dad was at work). Needless to say he was really tired last night and then a miracle happened...he slept in until 6:50 am! The bad news: Lydia woke up early 5:50 am and was ready to eat (that's what happens when you refuse dinner).

I talked with my fantastic, terrific, wonderful friend Vicki who is from Polk City and is indeed one of the good things that came out of living there. (Was that sufficient sucking up Vicki?) We talked more about my ring situation. I am having Eric's ring fixed-they had to cut it off of his finger after the accident-and I will wear it. I love his ring, it is sort of celtic knot looking in silver on the inside and plain gold around that. It is unique without being weird or gaudy. I liked one of the comments where they said that they wear their husband's ring. I appreciate the support in wearing or not wearing the ring. It is one of those strange realities that you have to work through. I guess that I never really realized how much comfort and belonging the ring gave me. It was a physical reminder of the connection that Eric and I have. I feel like I am trying to figure out how to honor him as a memory and get used to him being gone as a presence. (I totally stole that idea from a grief book.)

Thanks for listening. I will write again soon-maybe I will even manage to get pics of my kids up!

Uhh....

That is how my brain feels. I feel like I have a millions things to do that I have no desire to do. There is so much to take care of when your spouse passes away. I had to go to the bank today and take Eric off of the account. I had to bring a certified death certificate (something I didn't know existed a month ago). I also had to take one of these death certificates to the National Guard Post. My son is afraid of all military establishments. He thinks that they will shoot their guns which totally freaks him out because they are really loud. At Eric's funeral he was terrified of the 21 gun salute. He was so scared today that the officer would shoot the gun of the display tank outside that he told the officer that he was not allowed to come with us outside. The officer laughed and then proceeded to escort us out of the building. Micah made him promise that he would not go any further than the threshold of the door. The officer complied. I laughed and felt a bit sheepish.

I felt yucky giving people the death certificate. It was like I was trying to write him out of my life and I felt sick at the thought of that. I want him to be alive. I want him to be here again. I want my best friend back and yet I have to move on-one step at a time.

Lydia reminds me of Eric. She is so full of life. She is joyful, easy to laugh and musical. I smile at the thought of her, her dancing and smiles. She is insanely smart for her age. She can say way more than a girl her age should. I love it.

More randomness...I don't know proper protocol for wedding ring wearing after being widowed but this is my decision: I wear it when I feel like it and don't when I don't. It feels weird to wear it and weird not to.

That is enough randomness for now.