Depressing

I am having a hard time the last few days. I am so very tired and I feel a bit sick on top of that. I wish that life could fast forward sometimes and that I could just be in a better place. I would even take a not feeling a bit sick day. I got Eric's ring to the jeweler two days ago. My day had been really great until then. I felt really...happy. I was not prepared for the emotion of pulling his ring out, explaining what I wanted done and why I wanted the ring sized to my finger. The accident was recent enough that the woman knew what accident I was talking about. It felt very yucky. I just wanted the whole thing to be over. I hate having people look at me, look at my kids and then give me this look. I hate the 'look'. It makes me feel like everyone is in disbelief that I am still breathing and speaking. It is a look that says, 'how on earth are you going to raise these two little ones without your husband?'. It is a look of pity and so much more.

My next stop was my dad's factory. I had to fax my wedding certificate, the kids birth certificates and Eric's death certificate to the workers comp. company. It was also very depressing. There were our official highlights in four pieces of paper. How small and insignificant that seems. I know that they need that stuff but I wish that I wasn't the one who had to do this stuff. I know that I can wish all that I want, this is part of life as a grown up-doing things that have to get done even when you don't want to do it.

I talked with one of the pastors at my church yesterday. It is amazing how my thoughts and feelings now mirror those that he had when his wife passed away. There is always comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this experience. It is good to know that I could truly feel okay and that my kids can be okay as well. Intellectually you can know things but it is always different once you get to the experiential part.

A lot of people ask how the kids are doing. I am not sure. Lydia is feeling rather sensitive the last few days but that could be because she isn't feeling very good. She is wanting to be held more often as well. I would say that none of her behaviors are really that different from how she usually is. Micah has seemingly endless energy to burn which makes me tired just watching him. He asks about his dad every once in a while, but I think it is just to check to see if the answer is still the same. The other night he finally wanted to have me tell him fun things about Eric rather that replay all the events of his death and funeral. He got a lot more peaceful after we started reading a book about heaven. I think that it answered a lot of his questions that he was unable to articulate. I pray for wisdom a lot..I always have but especially since Micah was born.

Part of the conversation I had with the pastor included an encouragement that I wanted to share. God works all things out for His good. All the circumstances that God has allowed into my life will be used for His good. How many of us really believe that when things don't go our way? God doesn't say that we will always get to live our american dream or that He doesn't love us if bad things happen to us. God IS good-it is not only a quality of his but it is him. It is a great encouragement to me that God will use my life for His good. I would also like for my life to bring Him glory. What a privilege that God would use us at all-Right? Cool thought.