Goodnight

Feeling a wave of loneliness. I don't like to think about Eric much. I guess what I mean to say is I don't like it when my thoughts get stuck on what our future could have, would have, should have been. It sneaks up on me and then wham-a slap of reality in the face. I am fine if I keep Eric and our good memories as one part of me and the daily stuff of life as another part. It is hard when the 'yucky' stuff seeps in. I used Eric's car today, I sold our other car. I bought a new car but it is getting a special coating inside and out so that stains don't have a permanent place in the vehicle. Anyway, I had to use my keys (obviously). The 'yucky' part is that I have Eric's key for the car on the same key chain (I am in the middle of selling Eric's car). Eric's key is melted from the accident. It makes me flood with thoughts and emotions that I have to stop. I can tell that my brain wants to get stuck in the 'what if' place. I don't want to revisit the accident. I know what happened. I lived in it's horrible wake for weeks and I don't want to live there any more. I want to remember good things, happy times and our LIFE together. How he died was such a short time in our lives and yet it changed everything. I wanted more kids. I wanted to see our marriage get even better. I wanted to see Eric preach again. I want Eric. We had a whole life together that isn't being lived. I have decided to live even though it is different and I don't always like it. That is the way life is. God doesn't guarantee anything in this life except Jesus. I forget that so often...don't you? I refuse to give in to the paralysis of wanting what you can't have. I will look to what is possible-with Christ all things are possible. I miss Eric but I will not lay down and give up. I did that with my eating disorder for a few years and I know that in that choice I forfeited living a life. I can't go back and live those years, but I can live the ones that God has graciously given me. God numbers all of our days. Eric's were complete and he went home. My days are not at an end and so I will press on. I don't know where God wants me next but as I write I have two little people sleeping that need a live mom not a zombie mom. I don't know how to parent them right now, but I pray that God gives me wisdom and discernment to provide what is required and needed. Please pray for my kids. They are trying the best they can to figure this out and some days are harder than others. Today was a hard day with the kids.

My lonely cyberspace world. I am glad that I have you as my place to write all that wanders around in my head. Goodnight.