Dear Grief

Dear Grief-
I am writing to tell you how I feel about you. Right now I hate you. Somedays I tolerate you. Other days I love you. You are my constant companion and yet I did not invite you home. You are there when I wake, there during the day and there as I drift off to sleep. You remind me of what I don't have, all that I am missing out on, all that I could have had and all that was. There are times that I want to kick you out but you are a terrible listener-you always stay even if in the shadows. I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel pain. I don't want to feel regrets. I don't want to feel anger for what I sometimes feel was stolen from me but you make me feel all of these things anyway. Why does this have to be so hard? Why can't you let up a little. When are you going to leave? Can we agree to part ways sometime soon? I want life to be normal. I want to feel like I am just me and not half of a puzzle. Somedays you let me feel that-today you are hurting me with the feeling that I am missing part of myself. Why do I want things that I can't have? Why? I want to be free of you. I want to be married. I want my kids to be happy. I want to have more kids. Why can't you go away and bring a happy new phase? Is there someone else there with you that could keep me company?

Do I have anything good to say about you? Today that is hard for me but I will try. You help me to see life clearly. It is so short and you remind me to hold on to each day as something precious. You help me press on to healing. You help me see how helpless I am without God and how I couldn't do this without His help. You help tire me out so that I can sleep. You help me cry. You help me keep Eric's memory alive. How I love Eric, my kids, my family and friends-you help me hold on to those things because they are important.

When it is time for you to leave I may feel a twing of sadness but mostly I will feel relief. You are to be my companion only for a season and today I wish that season was done. I can't wait for the day when we say goodbye but until them, I will try to accept you as my constant companion.

Sarah