I am getting a garage sale together. I went to my dad's factory and emptied out all the things I had in storage there. I thought that it would be way worse than it was. A lot of the stuff wasn't our personal stuff it was kitchen plates and garbage cans. I didn't realize that most of the things that we really loved was at the house and I had already sorted through all of that stuff. The items that have the most hold on me in storage are the baby clothes. I don't want to give them up. I don't want to admit that I could be done having kids. I know that I am young but there is no guarantee that I will ever be married again and that is sooo hard to reconcile. I wasn't ready to be single. I wasn't done being married to Eric. I feel like I was really getting the hang of being married. I struggled a lot in the first years that I was married. I felt young, unprepared and scared. I didn't know what I wanted from life but I felt boxed in being married even though I loved Eric a lot. I finally got well enough to stop being the one who was supported all of the time and was able to support Eric while he was in Polk City. I felt a complete role reversal when Eric got "let go" from his position there. I was no longer the supported I was the supporter. The past year that we were together I held Eric up with encouragement and prayer. I could feel him slip away into discouragement and questions. He loved Jesus so much and wanted to serve Him with all that he had and yet God had him in a time of waiting. I don't know why God did what He did but I do know that God IS good and that He has a plan. I know that Eric is completely content. Eric has no more saddness or pain...he is home. I also know that God helped me transistion into the role that I am currently in by putting Eric in a time of waiting.
I broke down sobbing last night. I was so mad at myself. I find myself wanting things that I have no business wanting. I want a dad for my kids and a husband to share life with but only God can bring those things in the time that He would choose. I make myself mad by wanting what isn't mine. I get so impatient for life to go the way I want it to go instead of stopping and enjoying the good gifts that my Father has for me today. I have healthy and happy kids. They are more spiritually aware then I have ever seen them and that is a work that only God can do. If I could have Eric back today I would take him but that can't be. Why am I so eager to get on with life? I want to brush saddness under the carpet sometimes but I can't. Grief is good. It is healing and while I want to run from it I also want to embrace it. Does that make sense to anyone else but me? I know that ladies understand!
Back to the bit on sobbing. I don't feel like crying all that often but I do have crying jags. I lost it last night. I was listening to music in my car and the words the singer was singing we my heart at that moment. It was totally a God thing because I hadn't really listened to that CD until last night and it was as if I had written the music. I literally cried out to God. When I was done I went inside the restaurant where friends were and had a good time (after excusing my apperance which they were very understanding about). I am trying to do this single thing and I am finding the fun in it. I didn't have a good time while single before. That was some of the worst times in my life. I feel that God has graciously redeemed that part of my life by giving me this time. I know that I am 30 but I feel like a kid sometimes and I love it. God is so gracious.
I hope that this blog finds you well but if it doesn't know that I am praying for those unspoken prayers. Something that has come out of all of this is a deeper prayer life for me. I feel burdened for people and have turned them over to God regularly. God has pressed upon my heart these words: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
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