Monday, May 31, 2010
Alone
This is going to be a hard post. I am struggling this week with the thought that I will always be alone. I fear this thought and it makes me feel paralyzed. What if God gave me my one and only shot at marriage? What if the two kids that I have are the only ones that I will have? What if God has chosen single motherhood for me for all of my childrens lives? I don't know how to face these questions with anything but defeat. I know that I have been given a blessing in having had a great husband and marriage. I know that my kids are also a blessing and are a source of great joy. These things do not negate the fact that I am now alone and have not guaranteed that it will ever be any different. I don't know how to walk this fear out. I fight it. I want to be married. I liked being married. I want kids. I want to share life with someone and I don't know what to do with these desires. Do I want to replace Eric? No. Would I be able to love someone as deeply? Yes. I wouldn't be looking for a carbon copy of Eric. I would be open to who God has for me. Anyway, this is off topic of my overwhelming feeling that this is all life has for me-being alone with kids. This is a hard place to be and my brain wants to beat this topic until it finds a solution only no solution presents itself. I need to wait upon the Lord for strength, courage and His leading. My heart is having a hard time following what my brain knows. I know that I need to grieve but I would rather love. I know that love could come after grief but my heart doesn't feel that right now and the heart often trumps the mind-at least for women it does. I don't want to be honest with this blog but I just had to. I need to write it out so that I can see what I think. I need to write it so that someone can pray for me. I need to write this so that God can start to help me and change my heart.
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2 comments:
sarah,
i felt this same way when i thought we couldn't have kids. actually before i thought that, patrick didn't think he even wanted kids. i was devastated. i thought my life would be so empty without any little lives to mold and guide and love. i thought maybe that was the road God was calling me down so we could serve as missionaries or be more involved in the church. it truly broke my heart. but God knows the desires of your heart and though that is not a guarantee we will get what we want, he does say he will bring peace and contentment if we would only surrender to Him. that is an amazing promise...that even Job could worship in gladness and thanksgiving after his life had been destroyed.
prayers going your way,
Sandy
Thank you for your honesty. I know I'm not always that honest, so you encourage me to perhaps start!!
I don't have the "kid" aspect of your situation, but the loneliness part, I fully understand! I told someone that it is hard to miss something that you never had, (I was single until I was 30) but now that I know what marriage and having a husband is like, it is much more difficult being single than it was before.
I keep going back to the fact that God does know "the plans He has for me". (Jer 29:11). It is hard for me to remember that, especially when the loneliness creeps in, but we must keep pressing on. I like the verse in 1 Timothy 5:14 where it says, "I want younger widows to get married, bear children, keep house, and give the enemy no occasion for reproach." I know it isn't a guarantee that God will allow me to be married again, but it gives me hope!! Praying.......
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