Grief Letter

Hello everyone...
It has been 10 months since Eric's accident and a lot has happened as you can imagine. Micah has started preschool and he loves it. Lydia goes to "school" too (nursery at church while I have Bible study). Micah is learning a lot at school and has grown in creativity and fine motor skills which is fun to see. Lydia is full of two year old spunk and determination. Grief wise Micah is up and down. Micah acts out and Lydia is fairly oblivious to the loss. We could still use a lot of prayer in that area. It is not an easy thing to walk through as an adult much less as a small child.

I am involved in a grief share group now. It is a support group for those who are experiencing grief from a loss. It has been very encouraging and challenging. I also have started seeing a counselor so that I have an intentional time each week to process my grief. It is hard to take the time to process when you have two small children but God is good and has provided me the opportunities to get help and time to grieve.

During this holiday season you may be wondering what I am thinking, feeling and what your role might be in this. I thought that I could offer some suggestions. It is helpful when people ask how I am doing and how the kids are doing. It is helpful when people offer a listening ear. It is fun to hear happy stories of Eric. It is encouraging to have people pray for us and to let us know that they are praying for us. I know that is is awkward for those around to see me or imagine me in pain but it is the most helpful when people offer a listening ear or prayer. I hope that as you encounter others who have suffered loss this year that you remember them in prayer and ask God how you can be an encouragement to them. Sometimes the less you say the better. If God lays something on your heart to do for someone or for my family, feel free to offer although I may not take you up on it (depending on how tired I am). Know that the offer itself is so encouraging even if it is never taken up.

I am so thankful for all the support and prayer. Prayer is not a little thing to me. I feel lifted up and can handle this load so much better when I am being interceeded for. God truly comes near to the brokenhearted and lifts them up (Psalm 34:18 paraphrase). Know that God is sustaining me and my family. How encouraging is that!?! Thanks again and I will keep you updated...

The Widow's Offering

Luke 21:1-4 As he looked up, Jesus saw the rich putting in their gifts into the temple treasury. He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. "I tell you the truth," he said "this poor widow has put in more than all the others. All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on."

I understood something about this passage recently. It is easy to give God your leftovers...it is harder when he demands it all. Then once you realize that he truly does have it all you feel greedy keeping anything from him. It is all his and he should have it. He is faithful to supply so why keep anything for myself? I don't want to sound like I have this all figured out and that I am perfect in my practice because I certainly am not but I was just struck by this thought. Having so much taken away over the years has given me so many intangible things. I want to keep the mindset of the poor widow forever. May I never lose sight of the fact that out of God's abundant mercy He provides what we need and in return we ought to give him our ALL that we have to live on-no dependence or trust in anything but God. That is a tall order. I know what I am challenged to do and you too out there in cyberland; we are called to surrender. That is a huge concept wrapped up in one word but ALL parts of life are for our Lord. Our money, our bodies, our minds, our time, our love, our life, our family, our church, our homes, our hobbies, our talents, our gifts, our experience, our jobs, our ALL. Out of surrender comes obedience, trust and dependence. Oh man are those all qualities that I just yearn for. What would we look like as a church body if we all truly submitted individually to God and collectively to God. We definitely wouldn't need the rocks to sing out! My life is changing...that is scary and exciting. When God works it is hard not to get excited. I pray that these words reach whomever they are supposed to reach. Please know that God gave me this to say for you.

8 months

It has been eight months since Eric died. What else is there to say today...not much. God is good. He has taken care of me and the kids. God is giving me strength to make it through each day and without that I would be lost. People often tell me that I am so strong. I see why they might say that but I know the truth-God is holding me up. I am not strong in myself. I am not keeping a tough upper lip. I am only able to live because I choose God and he lifts me up. We are all able to handle so much more than we think when we let God be in charge. You can't resist where God is taking you or what he has allowed to happen. The way you stay stuck is to stop, dig in and refuse to accept what is right in front of your face. We are all toddlers when it comes right down to it...we ball up our fists, stomp the ground and yell "NO!" Well guess what-that changes absolutely nothing. Get off your butt, put on your big girl pants and accept that life doesn't go your way. God is in charge-get over it. That is what I learned before Eric died and I am so thankful that when Eric died it didn't take years to get that lesson under my belt before I could hold my head up, lean into God and live.

Peace

Peace that passes understanding only comes from God (Phil. 4:7). I have been doing a study by Beth Moore for the past few weeks on the fruits of the Spirit and I have been wondering how I could have thought the fruits of the Spirit were so simple. I love how rich God is in every way. I think that I know God and then He shows me a new truth, a new way with a new way to strive for him.

Yesterday I learned about God's peace in provision through the example of Jesus. He fed 5,000 with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. Beth made the point that Jesus: made them aware of their need, took what little they had and had them sit down to get ready to receive his provision. I thought about how often I see my need lately, God takes what little I have and then I think...now what???? Well then answer is: sit down in your spirit and wait for God to do exactly what he promises to do...take care of your needs (Matt. 6:8, 6:25-32). I know that this seems so simple and that is because it is. It is hard to live out because we love to DO and we tend to mix up wants with needs. There is such peace in knowing that God is in control and LETTING go of our perceived control. God has proven himself faithful to me in this great time of need and now I see how he has been faithful all along I was just trying to do this life on my own all together too often.

Today I studied a few things but the thing that struck me was the story of Lazarus' death (John 11). Jesus KNEW that Lazarus was sick and that he would die, when he died and yet he waited. This was someone that the scripture clearly states that Jesus loved. He did not "come through" for the family as they had expected Jesus to (i.e. rush to them and heal Lazarus) but he did come four days after he was dead. Jesus did something that was way beyond what they thought possible: resurrect someone from the dead. Why did he do it? To bring the maximum amount of glory for God in that situation! Read the account...Jesus states that it is for God's glory and the possible belief of those around who have not yet believed!

I see how God has used Eric's death to bring himself glory and how that continues. I also see how I am in a time of waiting and sometimes I get anxious in that. This study on peace has been so encouraging. It has reminded me that God has a distinct plan in this situation...it was not out of his control. Actually it is part of a perfect plan for a supremely God glorifying result. If I am supposed to be in ministry in some way, then I think that this time of waiting is crucial to the end result that God has in mind...whatever that may be. It is exciting to wait expectantly knowing that you are in the palm of God's hand. (You are too by the way if you are a believer in Christ-very cool!)

Not liking myself today

I am not liking myself today. I am disappointed in my actions and heart. We can't always be right on the money with God but I want to be. I feel bad when I know my heart and actions don't line up with what God wants. I guess that when you feel this way the only thing to do is cry out to God, repent of any sins between you and God and ask for wisdom on how to live life for Him. I need God to lead me in my interactions with my kids, family, extended family and friends (just my short list!).

I have been super judgemental lately, impatient and quick to gossip. Man, I hate to even say the last one because I truly am disgusted by it and myself. Wow, this is what we are to do with our brothers and sisters in christ...confess our sins but I don't like it and I also know that this is a rather public forum but I think why not step out and try confessing-selfishly I hope that the result will be prayer from you who read it. Thanks for the listening ear and please pray for me as I seek God for life, sucessful living and service of Him.

Joy

I have a newfound joy. It is a joy in knowing how God has saved me and has restored me. I also have joy in the fact that God is with me in this hard time. He is my rock and salvation. I am so excited to tell you that even in the hard places God is still there. So many people have no idea how I can do this. Do what? I ask. Live without my spouse? Be the single mom? I don't know how I do this either. This is a God ordained trial of life. God did this and it will be for God's good and his glory. God has already used this so much in so many people lives and in my family's life. One thing I am finding is that I have such joy in singing praise to God. I am so aware in my heart of how God is my redeemer and is so good. I love to sing him praises and it isn't so awkward to just bust loose in song at church, in the car or the house. Ps. 71:23 "My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you-I, whom you have redeemed."

I have a newfound joy in my salvation. I am so much more aware of what God has saved me from-death! Death here and beyond. I will go to heaven when I die...I have NO doubt (2 Cor. 1:22). I also know that God is alive and ACTIVE in my life TODAY! How amazing is that. How great.
'Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." (1 Peter 4:12-13)

I hope that you are encouraged today...you have been given true life if you have placed you faith in Jesus. He forgives your sin and restores you into right relationship with God. He gives you a hope a purpose and will never leave you. God is so good-giving up yourself and your agenda are so small in the face of all that there is to gain.

God bless.

Tell your story

Eric died 6 months & 4 days ago. I don't really have much to say beyond that. I haven't felt all that inspired to write lately. I feel tired in pretty much every possible way. Six months of adjustment, changes, grief and caring for kids really wears a person out. I thought that things would be easier by now but I was being too optimistic. Life is just harder and that won't change for a long time. I am learning more than I could ever imagine and I hope that God will continue to teach me and someday use this story to change other people's lives. I feel like God wants me to tell my story but He hasn't led me to where, when or what. Please pray that God will give me words for whomever I need to share with and that extra rest will come when needed. Thanks to all of those out there who read this blog and pray for me and the kid-know that God has answered your prayers for comfort for us. Thanks to all...I will write again soon.

Blah! & Arg!

I am angry. I am impatient. I am ready to drop this heavy burden of sadness off. I held my friends beautiful baby boy today and I ached. I felt happiness for them as a family and emptiness for myself. I may never feel a baby inside my belly ever again and that makes me ache. I may never be able to help my son get through the anger of losing his daddy. I may never feel the warmth of a companion. I feel so alone and it makes me ache.

How do you do this? How do you walk around every day with such emptiness? My best friend was here this past week and we talked a lot about Eric and it was so fun to remember all of these good things about him. We laughed about how he would always know when we were up to something naughty. How he would play with Micah. How he would make you feel like you were the only person that he was interested in talking to when you were with him. They told Micah stories about his daddy and he just loved it. Now we are in major whiplash mode. Remembering Eric so much also leaves the awareness of him being dead. Him being dead means that there are empty places where he is supposed to be.

This weekend I had friends over and Micah had an opportunity to play with grown up guys. They were both so sweet and attentive to Micah and Micah was so appreciative. That makes me feel such urgency to get remarried when I see how Micah reponds to them. He has such a void in his life that I just can't fill. I know that remarrying for your kids sake is a terrible idea but I understand why people would feel so driven to do so...I feel like that right now.

I feel all mixed up over what I want and don't want right now. I want to grieve but I want to be done. I want to date but I don't want to date because I feel so terribly vulnerable and I feel like I would be sort of desperate. I want to branch out and be with people and yet I also want to hide away. I want to lose weight and yet I want to eat. I want to be spiritually in a healthy place and yet I also want to hide and do my own thing. I hope that this post makes it obvious that I have been having a hard week/weekend and now new week. I hope that the rest of the week improves but I guess only God knows and I am trying to run to him. I am finding this harder today because I am so very tired. Tired emotionally and physically. It has almost been six months since Eric died and the emotional strain is enormous. I still need prayers. I still need to diligently pray for help and wisdom. I need the Lord and I always have. I don't know what God has for me. I wish that I did and I wish that my patience was already developed so that it wasn't something that God had to keep working on in me. God please help me-I am in such desperate need.

Trust

Trusting God is so hard for me. It is so scary to relax in my Father's arms and wait for whatever He has for me. I went for a bike ride tonight and was talking to God. I asked Him, "why is it so much easier for me to look to man for advice and answers?"

I acknowledged the fact that I looked to Eric to stand at the helm of our lives and seek the answers and that I would just go along for the ride. I prayed but if I am really brutally honest with myself, I was passing the buck-not submitting. I had an easier time letting Eric wrestle out the hard decisions than having to do the hard work of prayer, trusting and waiting.

I think that it is funny how grief can really bring a lot of things into focus. I may never have come to this realization without having Eric die and having my hand forced. What else can I do but run to God for everything? I have no one to be the parent but me. I have no one to make financial decisions but me. I have no one to be my husband. I have no one to be the father to my kids. I have only two choices...trust God or walk away from God.

The second option is really no option at all because I tried to walk that path before and I just couldn't do it. God drew me back. He wooed me. The first option becomes my only option but it is so much harder to walk out. Walking with God is a new thing every day. He grows things in you that you never knew were possible and changes things that seemed impossible to move. My God is strong and mighty-I am just stubborn and thick-headed at times.

I am trying to walk this path out. I pray that I can let go of any control that I try to keep and offer it to God to use as He pleases.

Psalm 139:23-24 " Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

I haven't posted for a while. I feel like I have nothing to say but we will see what comes out with a little typing. I have been having a lot of "flash" memories. These memories are brief and frequent. I feel like everything reminds me of Eric or our life together. It is almost like I have to categorize it all or something. It is random, unexpected and sometimes annoying. I want it to be something that I can turn on and off but that is unrealistic. I think about Eric's death, funeral, his life, when we met, what he taught me, how he was with the kids, our plans, our struggles, our friendship, our life. It isn't easy living with one foot in the present and the other foot in the past but I guess this is part of the process.

I was thinking about Eric yesterday as we read Luke 21:5-36. Jesus was speaking to his disciples after he had ressurected from the dead. He was telling them about the end times...how terrible things will get but then he will return. Eric always said that he wasn't going to die...he would get raptured out. He would say this with a big goofy grin on his face and I loved it. I feel a little like he got raptured out but not in the biblical sense. I feel like he was choosen to go home. He didn't suffer in the way that we think of with death...he had peace. He comforted those around him as he was passing from this world into his eternal home. He sang songs to his Jesus as he was being ushered into glory. He got exactly what he joked about...a ticket out of here before the world really fell apart. I don't know when Christ will return and that it will be a glorious event. Someday all believers will go home but until then our mission is to reach those who haven't heard the wonders of the gospel message. God died for us (sinners) so that we could have an intimate and transforming relationship with him. We get to walk with the God of this universe! That is pretty amazing. God is so gracious that he would provide a way for us to be with him AND that he would take the time to change us for our good while we are here so that we can be used to draw others come to God as well.

Quick update: We went to Upper Michigan for the week. It is so beautiful up there that I wish everyone could make it up there at least once in their lifetime. We visited all of our favorite spots: my mom's old house, my dad's college, our favorite restaurant, our favorite merchantile, and we spent lots of time outside enjoying God's amazing creation! We camped a little and stayed in a hotel a little. We had a nice relaxing time and THAT was great. I did miss my computer and phone reception...I guess that I am turning into a city girl after all. This kids are doing okay. Lydia is so cute and funny. Micah is too but he is having a harder time. He is having bad dreams at night and he tells me on a regular basis that he doesn't want me to leave him-ever. I definitely need wisdom as I deal with my kids and their grief. Hope to write soon...maybe I could get some pictures up of the kids! (Dare to dream!)

Tonight

Tonight I was thinking that I know nothing about love. Why is it so hard to sacrifice? Are we all selfish creatures or is it just me? Being a mom doesn't mean that sacrificial love always comes easily. Being a wife didn't mean that I often relinquished my desires for Eric's. I feel bombarded with confusion about what love is and how to learn to love more. I read this today: " Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love it would be utterly scorned." (Song of Songs 8:6-7) I felt struck with the intensity of this love. Eric loved people deeply...what do I do to gain that type of love all of the time-the type that loves with intensity and with sacrifice at its core. I know that Jesus is the answer but how does he create more love and sacrifice within us? I am glad that I don't have to know to experience this but I wish that God would just give me his heart without causing me to have growing pains in the process.

I feel alone tonight. Intellectually I know that I am not alone but I FEEL alone. Memories of Eric hung thickly around me today. It is hard not to feel like life is somehow missing when you can't share it with your person. I feel the waves of grief bringing me closer to my memories of Eric. It is strange how one day is so different from the next-one happy and one sad. Anyway, this is where I am at...contemplative.

Vulnerable

I am not feeling like being vulnerable right now in my life but I think that I need to be. I tend to want to think, categorize, organize and analyze problems instead of talk about it. I don't like to show my soft underbelly too much because it makes me vulnerable to scrutiny and criticism. I try to fight against this at times but I far too often revert back to what it comfortable and known. Grief is not a thing that can be placed in a box for long. It oozes out. It makes life messy. Grief has set me on a path of examination. I have been looking back at my life thus far and trying to work through some of the pain and unforgiveness that I have. I have also been thinking a lot about my life with Eric on my end of the deal. What I did and didn't do. I have also been trying to pinpoint an event that was rather significant in my marriage.

Eric and I were married four months after we had met. Then we took a semester off of school and lived with and worked for my parents (that is not as awful as it may seem-they are great roommates). Anyway, in the spring we back to the Chicago area to attend seminary at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School (TEDS). I took a part-time job at a restaurant and one at a church. Eric went away for two months to do military training down south. I was alone for the summer and didn't really have any connections. I would talk to Eric most days on the phone but it just wasn't the same. Something happened that summer that I think help explains my current feelings: I felt like he was dead. I talked to him but it almost felt like it was my imagination. I bothered me so very much that I truly felt like he was dead. That summer really changed important dynamics in our marriage. I pulled away emotionally. I had a hard time reconnecting. There was part of me that felt like I couldn't let myself go completely because he wouldn't always be there. I thought that all of this was just because of my eating disorder and my trust issues with men but it went deeper than that. I have been trying to remember what triggered this feeling in me but so far it hasn't come to me-maybe it never will. It is a little crazy to me that I felt that way 6 1/2 years before Eric really did die and that I never truly shook that thought from my mind. I wonder now if that was something that God gave me all those years ago or not. Either way it has kind of made me do a double take at my life. I am looking back and trying to remember things. I am trying to figure out what was going on. I am trying to forgive myself for past mistakes and errors in judgement and actions. My emotional withdrawal hurt Eric along with my eating disorder. I wish it could have been different. We went to a pastor and wives event about six months before Eric died. It was fantastic and really opened me up to a piece of the puzzle on my trust issue with men. That really helped our marriage but it was as if it was too little too late. Our marriage wasn't on the rocks or anything, we actually had a fantastic marriage but I was losing Eric. It felt as if he was slipping slowly away. I don't know if he knew that his time was coming or if it was just depression but the last year of Eric's life was very hard for him. He had such a heart for God and really believed the best in people. His faith in the goodness of Christians was really shaken. He felt lost and confused. He didn't know if he was hearing God wrong or what the deal was. It ripped at my heart because he was the most loving and Godly man that I had known and to have him hurt was awful. I wish I could have been a better wife for him our whole marriage. I wish that I hadn't had an eating disorder. I wish that I hadn't felt like he was going to die so early in marriage because it really messed me up. I wished that I could have taken his pain away.

Is it possible to have God tell you something so far in advance? God has done this to others in the Bible but did He really speak in this situation or was that just me having trust issues? I may never get the answers but I will tell you that while I am so very sad about Eric dying, I also don't feel so very surprised now that the initial shock has worn off. It was as if I knew that he wouldn't be my only husband. Mind you I have not spent my life with Eric wishing for another, I am just saying that deep down in my gut I had this bit of knowledge that this wasn't the man that I would spend forever with. I could never imagine Eric as an old man. I know that sounds weird but I just couldn't picture it. There have been things that I felt just didn't "fit". When I look back now, it is a bit creepy. I loved Eric a lot and I still love him so I don't want you to doubt that by this post. Did God really do that in me or was it me? Everyone says that they don't know how they would survive without their spouse. I wonder if there is something wrong with me because I don't feel like life is over. I don't feel like I can't go on. I don't feel like I could never love another. I feel like I can have a good life and that I had the privilege to be married to a wonderfully godly man who gave me so many good gifts. He helped me see God clearly and heal. He helped my have two beautiful kids. He helped me find freedom and maturity. He helped me become more like Christ. He made me laugh and find joy in life. He made me look on the bright side. He helped me love. He was never a second choice or someone that I wanted to discard.

Marriage can be such a blessing-I know that mine was. Now I find myself worrying about the future. I am now in the place where I am continually submitting my fears and desires for the future to Christ. I find myself picking up the worries and then having to set them back down again in Christ's hands. I feel like God has something for me that is coming soon, but I don't know what that is. I am praying that I will be ready and equipped for whatever that next step is. I don't know if it is a ministry, job or spouse all I do know is that no matter what I need Jesus so much and I never want to forget that.

I hope that this post wasn't too random and that I did what I set out to do...be vulnerable.

017.AVI

A day at the beach with the DeValois. We thought that Micah was randomly running in the water but when asked about why he was running he said that he was protecting the sandcastles from the sharks. Vicki responded by telling him that she didn't think that the lake (in Iowa) had sharks. Micah's reponse...You never know Vicki, you just never know.

Road Trip

I am leaving for Des Moines in the morning. I am nervous to go back because I know that it will be very emotional. I don't know if I will ever go back after this time...I guess only time will tell on that one. I could use prayer as I am away. I feel blessed to be away from the place that I would consider home with Eric. Everywhere that I turn in town reminds me Eric and our life together. I want to avoid the pain but I have to walk up to the pain and through it.

Last night God told me to go to Psalm 38. The two parts of that passage that met me right where I was at were : verse 9, "All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you." and verse 15, "I wait for you, O Lord; you will answer, O Lord my God." It is no secret that I want to be married and have more children. I don't want to live my whole life without a mate, but I get inpatient. I fear that because I am single now, that this is how I will always be. This is not rational or realistic but that is not how emotions work now is it! Anyway, God just gave me a huge reassurance by leading me to this passage. Not only did it allow me to see that He does indeed know my longings but that He will answer my prayers in his time. I am called to wait. I know that this is no guarantee that I will be married but to know that God knows my heart and knows where I am at in sorrow and longings is so reassuring. I brought me such peace and security. It is hard to wait for Gods time but in the end it is always the best and all things are made complete in his timing. We have such an amazing God! I pray that God will meet you right where you are at today. Point your heart towards Him and allow God to lead you to where He will take you. He is the good Shepard. Good night. I will write again soon.

General Update

Hey folks...I thought that I would give a general update of the family. It will four months since Eric died and a lot has changed. We are adjusting to him being gone as well as we can...I think. Micah is very fearful still. He is afraid that I am going to leave and not come back. He doesn't like me to go far away, even in the house. He regressed in the potty-training department but seems to be getting back on track. I hope that the fear subsides as time goes on. He is slowly letting go of control but some days are better than others. I try to talk a lot about Eric and tell him stories and reassure him that God loves him and Eric and that his daddy is being well taken care of. The permanency of Eric's loss is almost impossible for a four year old to understand, but as the anger of not understanding bubbles up I try to reassure Micah and pray for him. Please pray that Micah will continue to express himself and that he will be able to live without being fearful.

Lydia has been doing well. She seems completely oblivious most of the time to Eric being gone and then she will bring up something that she remembers. She told my mom once while getting her diaper changed, 'daddy helps'. She remembered her dad changing her diapers. She also told me last week that I had 'daddy's bag'. It was a bag that looked like Eric's and I was surprised that she remembered Eric's stuff. She remembers more that I give her credit for-she is really smart. She has been a joy to us all as we have been grieving. She is still silly, loves to dance and tease us. She is a little ray of sunshine in all of our days and she reminds me of the joy that Eric always had. She is so stinking cute and that helps remind me that life is fun, funny and new everyday.

My mom and dad are doing okay. It is hard for them to take on new roles in the family. They have become less the grandparents and more the co-parents. They have done such an amazing job supporting us and helping out. I couldn't have done this without their help. They are definitely grieving but that is where all of us are at. We all need breaks and we try to help each other...I hope. My dad's business is doing just fine. A lot of people thought that they were out of business but that is not the case. They had very minimal fines and the damaged machine has been disassembled and taken away. They still have powder-painting and stripping machines for three other kinds of metal. There is a possibility that they will move to a different building but that is still up in the air. My mom is still working and has been REALLY busy. She works for the school district and deals with benefits. Her job is always in demand! She has had to work long hours lately because they renegotiated some of the benefits but that is how benefits works.

I have been trying to adjust to life without Eric by my side. I have been up, down and everywhere in between. I have learned so much about God's comfort and mercy. He has been so faithful to meet all of my needs that I feel blessed. I have struggled a lot with confidence lately. The past couple of weeks have been hard in the fact that God has brought to light my feelings of inadequacy and fear of being 'alone'. I thought that my time of addiction was my greatest stretching time and that I had faced all of the big lies in my life but God has used this situation to mercifully bring to light more lies to be healed. I haven't been sleeping well the past two weeks as all of this has been happening but God has graciously given me more sleep the last few days. I miss Eric a lot and feel overwhelmed by the task of raising our kids without him but I am trying to take one day at a time. I find myself avoiding scrap booking our lives because I don't want to feel the deep sadness. I also don't want to deal with making a will or figuring out my finances because for some reason that feels overwhelming. I am very aware that this is avoidance but that is where I am at. I am tired, not just physically but emotionally. I know that this is not going to change for a while so I could use some prayers for stamina and courage to ask for help when necessary. I have been going to a singles group at church and I LOVE it. They are such a great group of people and I am blessed to have them in my life. I also am going to go to a grief share group soon and I am excited to get to know other widows. I really want to have their support and offer mine. God has also brought a ministry opportunity for me in the fall. I am going to help with junior highers at church-Lord willing. I am nervous but also excited-I love junior highers! (I know that automatically makes me weird!)

I hope that this general update satisfies some of the questions you may have about what we are up to. We could use prayers still and we so appreciate the millions of prayers that have been offered for us so far. God has answered so very many prayers and we thank you for being faithful in presenting us to God. God is good. God has a plan for all of us and as we walk this path I hope that we glorify our Lord Jesus.

The Lord can heal us

While I went through an eating disorder I thought that healing would never come. My counselor set me on a path that I am forever grateful for. It was a path of healing. She showed my how coming to The Healer, ask for his help in revealing lies and then bringing healing through his truth was the only way to be set free. Psalm 103:2-3 " Praise the Lord, O my soul, forget not all of his benefits-who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases." Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

This morning I finally found a piece of healing that I really needed. I have been very thrown by this thought and I didn't know what to do. My last post was that I was struggling with being alone. It hurt so deeply that I began to wonder-what is this tapping into that I have been blind to? Was there a lie somewhere in this feeling? I presented this all to God and asked for the lie. That was a lie that was hiding within me, eating away at my security? God answered me. I felt that being alone meant being invisible and being invisible is equal to being unimportant. I used to feel this way a lot as a kid. I realized that this lie had made its way into my adulthood and drove my insecurity of being alone. Once this realization was in place then I asked God to bring his truth to the situation and He did. Isaiah 58:11 "The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame." Isaiah 54:5 "For your Maker is your husband-the Lord Almighty is his name." See...God is all we need. He provides what we need when we need it. He will never leave me or forsake me (Deut. 31:6). I am not alone, I am not insignificant. The God of the universe promises to take care of ME. He promises to love ME. He promises to be MY husband. I don't know that God has for me in the future but today I was wanting and when I came to God he filled me up. I am not alone. I am not insignificant I am God's precious child. That is a great place to be.

Alone

This is going to be a hard post. I am struggling this week with the thought that I will always be alone. I fear this thought and it makes me feel paralyzed. What if God gave me my one and only shot at marriage? What if the two kids that I have are the only ones that I will have? What if God has chosen single motherhood for me for all of my childrens lives? I don't know how to face these questions with anything but defeat. I know that I have been given a blessing in having had a great husband and marriage. I know that my kids are also a blessing and are a source of great joy. These things do not negate the fact that I am now alone and have not guaranteed that it will ever be any different. I don't know how to walk this fear out. I fight it. I want to be married. I liked being married. I want kids. I want to share life with someone and I don't know what to do with these desires. Do I want to replace Eric? No. Would I be able to love someone as deeply? Yes. I wouldn't be looking for a carbon copy of Eric. I would be open to who God has for me. Anyway, this is off topic of my overwhelming feeling that this is all life has for me-being alone with kids. This is a hard place to be and my brain wants to beat this topic until it finds a solution only no solution presents itself. I need to wait upon the Lord for strength, courage and His leading. My heart is having a hard time following what my brain knows. I know that I need to grieve but I would rather love. I know that love could come after grief but my heart doesn't feel that right now and the heart often trumps the mind-at least for women it does. I don't want to be honest with this blog but I just had to. I need to write it out so that I can see what I think. I need to write it so that someone can pray for me. I need to write this so that God can start to help me and change my heart.

Dear Eric

Dear Eric-
I love you and I always will. I want you to know that I will love other people and someday I may love and marry a man but I promise to find a godly man and a man that loves our kids. You taught me how to live. I was so bound up in fear, sin and religiousness. I was afraid of the responsiblities of being a grown-up. You were patient with me while I fought for healthiness. You were loving as you helped me get through my fears. You reassured me that I could be grown without falling on my face. You smiled in the face of adversity and said, "it is going to be alright Sar." You were my rock for many years. You showed me the way through religiousity to real relationship with God. I was so confused about how to love God without working so very hard and you showed me how God pursued me and loved me. I knew that I didn't have to do things right to get God's attention-he already graciously gave me all that I needed to be with him-all I had to do was ask. Your example of living in grace changed my life. You changed my life. I felt like I wasn't alive and you helped me wake up. I am sorry that I was selfish. I am sorry that I didn't work on issues earlier. I am sorry that I couldn't support you more this last year. If I could have taken the pain away I would have. If I could have talked to you after the accident I would have. If I could have been a better wife I would have. I promise not to live in the past. I promise not to be broken forever. I will always miss you but I promise not to get stuck. I promise to teach the kids about God the best that I can. I wish you were here but I know that you can't so I have to continue to say goodbye-see you again in heaven.

Grief to Sarah

Dear Sarah-
I am sorry that this time is hard for you. I know that I am not always welcome but I need to be here. Believe it or not I am keeping you safe. I am helping let go of the pain that Eric's death has brought you. I am helping you see that God is always going to be there and supply all of your needs. I am here to keep you company so that you know that you loved deeply. I am here so that you never forget the gifts that you have in your children, family and friends. I am here even though you want me to go so that you can walk away from this time with your head held up high and your relationship with God deeper still. I am giving you a second chance to appreciate the blessings that you have and let go of the mistakes that you made in the past. No one is perfect and most people don't get a second chance. You are getting a big blessing-embrace it. I hope that someday you can look back on our time together with appreciation but I understand that this won't happen for a while. I will leave after a while...you know that right? I hope that this letter helps you but I understand if it doesn't for some time.
Sincerely-
Grief

Dear Grief

Dear Grief-
I am writing to tell you how I feel about you. Right now I hate you. Somedays I tolerate you. Other days I love you. You are my constant companion and yet I did not invite you home. You are there when I wake, there during the day and there as I drift off to sleep. You remind me of what I don't have, all that I am missing out on, all that I could have had and all that was. There are times that I want to kick you out but you are a terrible listener-you always stay even if in the shadows. I don't want to cry. I don't want to feel pain. I don't want to feel regrets. I don't want to feel anger for what I sometimes feel was stolen from me but you make me feel all of these things anyway. Why does this have to be so hard? Why can't you let up a little. When are you going to leave? Can we agree to part ways sometime soon? I want life to be normal. I want to feel like I am just me and not half of a puzzle. Somedays you let me feel that-today you are hurting me with the feeling that I am missing part of myself. Why do I want things that I can't have? Why? I want to be free of you. I want to be married. I want my kids to be happy. I want to have more kids. Why can't you go away and bring a happy new phase? Is there someone else there with you that could keep me company?

Do I have anything good to say about you? Today that is hard for me but I will try. You help me to see life clearly. It is so short and you remind me to hold on to each day as something precious. You help me press on to healing. You help me see how helpless I am without God and how I couldn't do this without His help. You help tire me out so that I can sleep. You help me cry. You help me keep Eric's memory alive. How I love Eric, my kids, my family and friends-you help me hold on to those things because they are important.

When it is time for you to leave I may feel a twing of sadness but mostly I will feel relief. You are to be my companion only for a season and today I wish that season was done. I can't wait for the day when we say goodbye but until them, I will try to accept you as my constant companion.

Sarah

Short Post

I wanted to let everyone know that I am indeed alive. I had a great weekend. I was sans parents this weekend and I actually did well. I didn't feel the overwhelming grip of loneliness. I felt like I could do the whole single mom thing. We had activities to do and I called people to hang out with. Overall it was a good thing. I felt like that was an important step to have made. I am okay being alone at least once and a while. Since Eric died I felt like such a loser if I was alone and I also tended to feel depressed because my brain had too much time to feel sorry for myself. It isn't a healthy sadness-if it were I would be okay with it. Having a pity party never gets you anywhere-it helps you stay stuck.

My singles group has been such a blessing. I love the people. They are so accepting and I love that they love the Lord. Please pray for us as we meet in the town center and pray for God's will. We will be there the next five weeks and we know that if we seek God we will find him when we seek him with all our hearts (Jer. 29:13).

I had an amazing time with the Lord this morning. My mind has been struggling with some things and I am frustrated that they seek to take up my thoughts. God gave me a break from those things and allowed my to worship him and study him. It was so needed and so refreshing. God is good. His love endures forever. (2 Chron. 7:3b and hundreds of other times in scriptures)
God bless-I will write again soon.

JJ Heller - All I Need

New Day and all I need is Him

The title of this post is where my hearts cry is today. I had a hard week last week. I miss Eric so much and memories of him are all around me-flooding my mind and heart. I feel overwhelmed by the task of raising two young children but I am praying for a double portion of wisdom, patience, strength and anything else that a parent needs. One of my pastors lost his wife in a car accident while his kids were young and he has been a great help. He reminded me that I could be praying for the things that I need, after all God allowed this to happen and He knows that I will need more help in this area. The amazing thing about God is that he provides for us in ALL ways. Philippians 4:19 states, "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Psalm 72:12-13 says, "For he will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help. He will take pity on the weak and the needy and save the needy from death." Not only did Jesus save us from eternal death but he is ready, willing and able to supply for all our needs for his glory. I feel great need lately which is a shame because I now see how very needy I have always been and how very self-sufficient I try to be. How do we offer all of our lives to Christ? How do we go deeper still? How do we know in our hearts how much we need him? I think that we start by accepting his gift of forgiveness and eternal life. The first step is realizing that you can't get to heaven on your own 'good' life but you NEED Jesus' perfect life and offering. The next step is to never take that forgiveness for granted. We can do this by staying in communion with God. If our hearts remain tender to God we will hear and obey Him. I tend to get 'busy'. I walk around like I don't have time for God. What we are really saying is screw you God, I got this. A guy in my singles group said the other day that we have to fight for out time with God and I agree. Once I took the mindset of a soldier this makes sense. I have to fight against my flesh, my pride and my self-suffiency. I have to fight to bring these things to God and submit them to his will. It is a choice to do this but thankfully God is so gracious, when you bring them to him he lightens your load and helps lead you. That is what he means by his "yoke being easy and his burden is light" (Matthew 11:30). I so need God. I need all that he offers. I need him and him alone. When I feel despair and saddness I am brought back to the place of reminder that all I need is Christ. I will miss Eric. I will mourn the loss of my husband, my BEST friend, my children's father, my future life with him but not at the expense of forgetting who my life belongs to and who provides for all I truly need. I do not mourn for what happened to Eric. He is with his Father in heaven and he loved Jesus with all his heart. Eric is home and someday I will be too. I hope that you are there as well. God bless.

Realization

I had one of those moments tonight-one of those 'oh man!' moments. I am upset about something that someone said. It wasn't a bad comment, it just resonated as an ugly truth. It was a comment to the effect that I just wanted to get through this grief to the other side. This is so true. I don't want to admit it but sometimes I want to just get over this bad part. I just want to run through the pain and if I miss some of it then...oh well. I think that walking through the pain is necessary. I don't want to get over Eric, I want to get over the pain and saddness of him being gone. I want to hold on to all of the good things that we had. The good memories and the blessings that we had. I don't want to forget him but I feel that tendency because right now the thought of Eric brings pain. I love him so much and I don't like to think about it because it makes me feel lost. I am afraid that the pain will take me away and I won't be able to handle my kids. I am afraid. I don't know that the realization is God's way of taking me deeper. It is a way to walk this journey and yet I am still afraid. I will obey. I will walk. I will cry. See you on the other side.

Prayer

Very shortly after Eric died I felt God calling me to a time of purity. I see it was now for my protection. I have been convicted of very tiny things and have been called to obey frequently. I find it hard to listen to anything but Christian music right now and so I don't. I have often had to change the TV channel or have no time to watch anyway. There has been a lot of clinging to God and those things help me to cling to God and not be distracted. I hope that this doesn't sound high and mighty because it isn't meant that way rather this is meant to be put out there as a baffled question...has this ever happened to you? The latest thing that God is calling me to is prayer. Prayer has really impacted me since Eric died. I could FEEL peoples prayers lifting me up and carrying me. Gods prescience was so heavy in that and it so profoundly moved me and still moves me. God is so real and so ready and able to care for me and for you. Prayer has been important to me for a long time but never to this degree. I don't know what is going on but I feel compelled to pray-pray-PRAY. God wants to change me and use me for His glory just as He desires to do that with you too. I am praying.

One of my singles group leaders was sharing what God has been in him and it had to do with prayer. He said that the Lord was calling him to pray for seven weeks in the town square. My spirit actually leaped within me when he said those words. It was so powerful that it brought tears to my eyes...again spirit leaping is new for me. I am not sure what God is doing in me but I am praying. Know that there are people out there who love Jesus and are praying for his will to be done and his glory to be shone. I pray that your walk will get closer to God as you read this. After all what are we without God? What can we take with us when we die? What are we living for? God has so challenged me that all I can do is pray as He purifies me for his will and for his glory.

Submission

I had to submit myself to God today. I hadn't realized that I was holding onto the idea of marriage so hard. I found some marriage books the other day and I couldn't bear to give them to a young engaged couple. I wanted to keep them, but for what purpose? I am not married and I am not getting married any time soon. There I sat last night feeling every emotion under the sun and trying to rationalize why it was okay to hang onto these books. This morning I woke up and I knew that God was saying that it was time to let go. It is hard to let go of things. It is hard to admit that you are not in control and that that is a GOOD thing. I have no ability to wish marriage into existence only God can bring a husband. I had to wrestle with the idea that I am single and could be for the rest of my life. I had to submit my will to Gods and that was painful...it is painful. I don't want to let go of my desires and put them in God's hands but that is exactly where they belong. I am single. I am okay. I am well taken care of by my Father in Heaven. Pray that I can continue to submit my will to God's and that I will have the courage to walk it out in obedience.

Keep you Safe

This is the song that I was sobbing to when in the car on sunday. It was as if God was sitting there in the car telling me that He was going to keep me safe. He is the best Daddy. Enjoy JJ Heller's song from her Painted Red CD.

Garage Sale Days

I am getting a garage sale together. I went to my dad's factory and emptied out all the things I had in storage there. I thought that it would be way worse than it was. A lot of the stuff wasn't our personal stuff it was kitchen plates and garbage cans. I didn't realize that most of the things that we really loved was at the house and I had already sorted through all of that stuff. The items that have the most hold on me in storage are the baby clothes. I don't want to give them up. I don't want to admit that I could be done having kids. I know that I am young but there is no guarantee that I will ever be married again and that is sooo hard to reconcile. I wasn't ready to be single. I wasn't done being married to Eric. I feel like I was really getting the hang of being married. I struggled a lot in the first years that I was married. I felt young, unprepared and scared. I didn't know what I wanted from life but I felt boxed in being married even though I loved Eric a lot. I finally got well enough to stop being the one who was supported all of the time and was able to support Eric while he was in Polk City. I felt a complete role reversal when Eric got "let go" from his position there. I was no longer the supported I was the supporter. The past year that we were together I held Eric up with encouragement and prayer. I could feel him slip away into discouragement and questions. He loved Jesus so much and wanted to serve Him with all that he had and yet God had him in a time of waiting. I don't know why God did what He did but I do know that God IS good and that He has a plan. I know that Eric is completely content. Eric has no more saddness or pain...he is home. I also know that God helped me transistion into the role that I am currently in by putting Eric in a time of waiting.

I broke down sobbing last night. I was so mad at myself. I find myself wanting things that I have no business wanting. I want a dad for my kids and a husband to share life with but only God can bring those things in the time that He would choose. I make myself mad by wanting what isn't mine. I get so impatient for life to go the way I want it to go instead of stopping and enjoying the good gifts that my Father has for me today. I have healthy and happy kids. They are more spiritually aware then I have ever seen them and that is a work that only God can do. If I could have Eric back today I would take him but that can't be. Why am I so eager to get on with life? I want to brush saddness under the carpet sometimes but I can't. Grief is good. It is healing and while I want to run from it I also want to embrace it. Does that make sense to anyone else but me? I know that ladies understand!

Back to the bit on sobbing. I don't feel like crying all that often but I do have crying jags. I lost it last night. I was listening to music in my car and the words the singer was singing we my heart at that moment. It was totally a God thing because I hadn't really listened to that CD until last night and it was as if I had written the music. I literally cried out to God. When I was done I went inside the restaurant where friends were and had a good time (after excusing my apperance which they were very understanding about). I am trying to do this single thing and I am finding the fun in it. I didn't have a good time while single before. That was some of the worst times in my life. I feel that God has graciously redeemed that part of my life by giving me this time. I know that I am 30 but I feel like a kid sometimes and I love it. God is so gracious.

I hope that this blog finds you well but if it doesn't know that I am praying for those unspoken prayers. Something that has come out of all of this is a deeper prayer life for me. I feel burdened for people and have turned them over to God regularly. God has pressed upon my heart these words: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Vivid

Today I was outside with my son. We were digging, throwing, hitting the ball and hanging out. I sat down after a while and I was taking in the scenery. My parents live on the lake and it is beautiful. I don't think that I could be living in a better place right now. It is so peaceful here and there is much comfort in that. Anyway, as I was sitting there and I was struck with how vivid creation is. It is so vibrant and alive. I had a true moment of rest in the beauty of what God has made. God is such a wonderful creator. The lake has so much LIFE going on and usually I am too busy to notice. I think that Eric's death has brought a new awareness of life. If feel a more urgent need to live life, enjoy life and not waste my life. I am no longer in denial that life can be over at any time. I no longer assume that I will live until I am an elderly woman. That has changed everything. What am I doing today that matters? What do my kids need? How do I take the next step today-whatever that happens to be for today. These are the things that I think about when I am in the moment instead of stuck on saddness or business. I am glad that I had a still moment.

Bad Day

I am having a bad day today. I feel lonely. I HATE feeling lonely. My natural response is to wish it away, to distract myself. The hardest thing to do when you face hardships is to look the storm right in the face and walk towards it. It is counterintuitive. It is unnatural. It is exactly how you heal. So here I am. I am sitting here thinking about my life. I am missing Eric. I am mourning the loss of my future with him. I am worrying/wondering what will happen next. I find myself daydreaming about what could be rather than what is. I have been here before. I have faced trials and I failed. I ran away. I wished it away. I got mad at God. This time I am resolved. I am grounded. I know my God is right here with me in ALL of this. I am deciding to face my fears and to face my feelings. I am also resolved not to wish this time away. I want to grieve well. How do you grieve well? I think that this kind of thing is grieving well.

I miss my person. I wish my kids had thier daddy. I wish I could look down the road of life and at least know that I would have somebody walking with me. How did I get here? Where does God have me going? When will this stop hurting? I have so many questions that will never be resolved and that is something that I have to be okay with even if I don't want to be at times. Most of the time I feel so very comforted by God and his faithfulness. I still do and yet I am feeling a lot of pain and loneliness today too. I hope that when you face problems that you submit your requests to God.

Pictures

Here are a few of the pictures from the burial and of Eric's fixed ring (and my ring). The papers are the papers that we put with Eric's urn in the urn vault.

Who am I O Lord?

2 Samuel 7:18-19 Then King David went in and sat before the Lord, and he said: "Who an I," O Soverign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? And as if this were not enough in your sight, O Lord, you have also spoken about the future of the house of your servant. Is this your ususual way of dealing with man, O Soverign Lord?

David wanted to do something for God. He wanted to provide the ark a "proper" home. God appreciated that David's heart was for God but God had other plans. He told David that He would bless David's family. David is in awe of what God has just said that he would do and part of his response is what I have recorded above.

This is how our amazing God works. I was at Bible study and one of the ladies relayed a story of how her parents responded differently to a situation that they normally would have been upset about. They told her they wanted to keep the perspective that their first response to all situations would be to sing praises to God just like Eric did in the face of death. She also said that she reads this blog as do her parents and that they are praying for us. These things just put me in a place of awe. It is so humbling to be used by God and to see how God continues to use Eric. I responded to this friend with these words, "who am I that God would use me?" Then after that conversation we watched our Bible study video. I wonder if you can guess where we were at in the Bible (hint: see the verses above). God is good.

Eric's Journal

I dug out Eric's books from storage and I looked through them today. I found his makeshift bookmarks in many of the books. It was like there was still a little piece of him lingering in those books. It was this annoying little habit of his those makeshift bookmarks. He would use pens, empty gum wrapers, scraps of paper, Qtips and unused toilet paper. His favorite was the pen because he would underline and mark up his books. I bought him these flat pen bookmarks as a silly gift. His annoying habits don't bother me anymore I sometimes wonder why I found them so annoying now. For instance, I could count on Eric to leave his socks next to the bed. He would always wear socks to bed and them take them off before getting into bed. In the morning he would get out of bed and then leave the socks sitting there. I would make the bed every day and be slightly annoyed that he wouldn't pick those stupid socks up. He would crunch his toes up and he would pick at his toes when he was nervous. I hated that-yuck right! He would twirl his pen around and around when he was in a boring meeting or tap it on the table. All of those things are so small and so insignificant now. They were never things that we had fights about but those are the small things that you don't fully see until you are with someone for a while.

Back to the main topic...Eric's journals. He didn't have much written in the journals some of it was bible study ideas and some were from his travels in Europe. There were a few entries from 2005-before Micah was born, a couple after Micah and then one a year after his ministry in Polk City started. It was hard to read. It is hard to see the struggle that he had written down on paper. I knew how he felt but the words just jumped off of the page. One entry was sad to me because we were in a rough time and I was feeling selfish and depressed. I knew I was hurting him but my own issues overrode the fact that they were affecting him too. I feel such regret at times. After you look back on your addiction you see how very many people you hurt and how you can never take that back. I feel sad when I gain a new level of awareness about these things. I talked to a friend tonight and that really helped. She reminded me that Eric was not a saint. I tend to think very highly of him which can be good and bad. I respected him so very much and I valued what he thought and said. Marriage is a two way street. I didn't do everything right but there were times that Eric was wrong too. He should have told me certain things that he didn't. He should have been more honest about his feelings even though it would hurt me. He should have let me be right one or two more times then he did. I feel like his list of should have's is so much shorter than mine but I was the one that God told him to marry. We loved each other and I have to cling to that. I am glad that I grew up while we were married. I am ready to live life as a healthy and happy adult. I wish that I could have shown Eric that and that were could have had more time together but I am blessed with the ability to look forward to the possibility of marrying again and knowing the beauty that marriage can hold. I know that I can avoid some mistakes and overcome others. I feel ready face the future with confidence knowing that God has seen me through so much and that He will continue to do so. I love the fact that I can say God is good and mean it with all my heart.

Romans 2:17-29

17 Now you, if you call yourself a Jew; if you rely on the law and brag about your relationship to God; 18 if you know his will and approve of what is superior because you are instructed by the law; 19 if you are convinced that you are a guide to the blind, a light for those who are in the dark, 20 an instructor of the foolish, a teacher of infants, because you have in the law the embodiment of knowledge and truth- 21 you,then, who teach others, do you not teach yourself? You who preach against stealing, do you steal? 22 You who say that people should not commit adultery, do you commit adultery? You who abhor idols, do you rob temples? 23 You who brag about the law, do you dishonor God by breaking the law? 24 As it is written: "God's name is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you." 25 Circumcision has value if you observe the law, but if you break the law, you have become as though you had not been circumcised. 26 If those who are not circumcised keep the law's requirements, whill they not be regarded as though they were circumcised? 27 The one who is not circumcised physically and yet obeys the law will condemn you who, even though you have that written code and circumcision, are a lawbreaker. 28 A man is not a Jew if he is only one outwardly, nor is circumcision merely outward and physical. 29 No a man is a Jew if he is one inwardly; and circumcision of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the written code. Such a man's praise is not from men, but from God.

Wow does this passage kick me in the butt. I love it when Paul lays down the hammer on the religious Jews. I love it because the issues that Paul was struggling with are similar to what we struggle with today in the Christian community. That is not what I want to discuss first. I wanted to let you know where Paul was coming from. He was a former ultra religious Jew. If there was a rule, he followed it. If there was an i to dot the dotted it, if there was a t-well you get the point. Paul is setting up an arguement that begins in this section of scripture. He is going to show that God's path to him has always been and will continue to be faith in the Messiah who is Jesus. The mark of circumcision was to show everyone out there that they were part of Gods chosen people and would be part of Gods blessings. This sign soon became the "automatic in" in a lot of people's thinking. Paul is trying to show them that they are mistaken and is about to lay out the truth.

I was stuck while reading this passage of how applicable this is today in the christian community. How often do people live moral "christian" lives. They know the right things to do and the right things to say and yet they have not let God transform (circumcise) their hearts. It is God's desire to save you from yourself and heal you. He wants to transform the inside of you so that the outside reflects the change. We often think that we have to look the part before we are the part. God says that this is all backwards. My prayer for you today is that you would allow God to transform your life...he will never lead you astray.

Hallelujah

I was singing a song in the car yesterday and Micah asked, "what does that word mean?" He was referring to the word 'Hallelujah'. I gave him a definition and then had that moment of slight concern. Did I just get that wrong? It is funny how many words that you hear and think that you know for sure until you kid asks you to explain it. So for all of you that are now paranoid that you do not know the definition here it is:

Hallelujah:
Used to express praise to God: used to express praise, joy or thanks to God.
etymology: Hebrew (meant to praise the Lord)

Here is the song that we were singing: It is and Eddie Kirkland song from his CD Orthodoxy.

Control

I have a control issue. It was at its peak before I went into treatment. I thought that life could be managed. It could be put into boxes and that all things should work out for my plan if I tried, sweated and worried enough. These are the kinds of things that you don't always see in yourself or recognize as issues until you are overwhelmed by it all.

My world fell apart when I got suicidal and found myself living in a psych ward for three days. I was on suicide watch for the first 24 hours. That means that they come and check on you every 10 minutes of those 24 hours. All through the night the door would open up and they would check on me. Every 10 minutes I was reminded about how I went from a college student to a psych case. It was in that time of life that my ideals were shattered. I saw that I had no control over anything in life and that this God that I served was doing something in my life that I really didn't understand or like. I did not even have the security of trusting myself with my life. I regained the desire to live with the humiliation of having an obvious problem and then I had to learn how to live in an uncertain world.

Our sinful nature is what brings us back to that desire for control. We want what we want, how we want it and when we want it. The american dream says that if WE work hard enough than WE can have whatever life WE want. God doesn't operate on those beliefs. God is not interested in our agenda for life. HE is in control whether you always want him to be or not. The funny thing about all of this is that God is good. He wants the very best for us and he will give you exactally what you can handle. I love that. Now I believe that.

I still have control issues and I still tend to want to worry-who doesn't? It is still a sinful place that I have to offer up to God. I have developed a practice to help combat this and I hope that it helps you out there in computer land. I have taken to heart the scripture that states "pray continually" (help me out with the book/chapter/verse my brain can't remember). It is a powerful thing to continually expose your heart to God. I am really honest with God. He already knows so why sugar coat it? Then I turn it around and ask for help, wisdom, strength etc. When I need extra focus I talk to someone I trust so that I can descalate my thinking enough to pray.

Right now I worry about my kids. I want them to have a good daddy. I feel this compulsion to find a dad for them even though I am still in the grieving process-it is part of my grieving process I guess. I wasn't ready to be done having kids. I want more children. I want to have a baby living in my belly again. It is one of the most awe inspiring things in the world. I want to live life with someone and grow old together. These are the things that try to consume my thoughts most days. How will God shape my life from here on out? I don't know. I can't make life happen any quicker and I don't want to. I want to enjoy where I am at today and live today the way God wants it to be. I want to grieve well so that I can live well when it is time. I want to love my kids well. I want to love God well-don't you. I ultimately don't want control-I want God in control and enough faith to stand back. That is the power of God that has worked in me to get me to the point that I know what my tendencies are and I don't desire them.

Eric's death was not expected. I could not control that. I am not angry. I was angry when I fell apart in college. Control is what made me feel that way. I thought that I should have it and that God messed up. It is a peaceful place to be in when you rest in who God is and accept that this is part of God's plan. God allowed Eric to come home and not me. Eric was done with his race and I am not. I don't know if God will give me a husband at some point but worry will not make it happen. Control is the great illusion.

Feeling Good

I feel good today. I have been feeling really down lately. I think that the shock of Eric's death has finally worn off and I am feeling the emotion of it all now more acutely. I get choked up sometimes when I talk about him and I find myself missing him a lot. I also have started to have strange dreams. Last night I had dreams with this guy that I know in it. It wasn't an inappropriate dream or anything- It was as if my brain was trying to process something else and the t.v. screen in my head got stuck on the same image. Then it would skip around someone stealing my debit card and me finding skin cancer. I wish I knew if their was any sense to be had out of all of that. Needless to say, I had a restless night of sleep.

Last night I went to our young singles group at church. It was a lot of fun and I wasn't the oldest one there-oh yeah. I decided to give the group a try because I don't feel like I belong in married mom world anymore. I am not sure where I fit so I thought that I should try a place where people are single then I wouldn't be reminded about the fact that my other half is missing. It is strange to be able to relate to where everyone else is at and to lend some wisdom where they might be in a few years. God has really blessed me. I have had a great marriage. I have two great kids and I have the ability to care for them. I have good health and I have a great family and good friends. Last night we talked about not wasting our lives and so far I feel like I have lived quite a bit of my life. I had hard times, I have regrets but I certainly have a lot of life experience to draw upon because of those things.

I got up this morning and exercised. It is the first time since Eric's accident. I feel proud of myself. I did something that is good for my heart and my soul. It was something that Eric and I did together and I did it alone and I actually liked it. I didn't feel broken or sad. I did "feel the burn". I like "normal" moments because the make me feel like everything will be alright in the end.

Micah is definitely more clingy the last few days when I leave without him. I am trying to walk the line of supporting him and treating it like it is not a big deal. He is worried that I will leave and never come back. I know that most kids go through a phase like this anyway, but lets face it...Micah has a valid reason to feel like he does. Eric left and never came back. How can you really help that fear? I tell him what I am doing and that I will be back in a little while (or a more specific time frame) but it doesn't help. I leave and he really breaks down. I am trying to be patient. I find it hard to be really sympathetic because I am so tapped out emotionally. I wish that I could wave a magic wand and things like this would go away. I wish that my kids never had to feel this pain but I can't make it go away I can only pray that God uses it in a mighty way in their lives and mine. I pray for wisdom a lot. I hope that this prayer "works". I know that is the wrong way to put that thought down but I can't think of another way to say it.

New Life

I have this new life. I life that I never anticipated having. Some days I feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the task of daily life as a single mom and other days I don't give it a second thought. I like the days where I don't have to bring up Eric's passing as a way to explain my situation-whatever it happens to be. I feel this strange need to tell people that he died so that they know. I don't know why I do that. I did that after treatment too. It is this compulsion to spill your guts. Some people clam up and I apparently have the opposite problem. Eric never had that problem. He always seemed to know what to say and not say. He had a knack for keeping his mouth shut when it was a sketchy situation. He was wise with his words. I learned a lot from living and loving him. I am not such a shock jock anymore but when everything hits the fan I get a loose tongue about my life. I hope that someone out there identifies with me on this point.

Escape

I want to escape what I am feeling today. Grief brings up a lot of emotions-not just emotions about the here and now but also your past. I am feeling a lot of regret about my college years. I did not have a fun college experience like so many people do. I went through the roughest season of my life during college and the first two years of my marriage. I had an eating disorder for seven years. I started off as an anorexic and then decided to be a bulimic. It was a terrible decision and it robbed me of my life. I robbed myself.

I went into inpatient treatment during my junior year of college and it was the most humiliating thing that I have ever done. I had built my life on building walls, keeping myself from judgement and ridicule. This one step in life made me so vulnerable and so open to judgement that my world shattered. I had prayed for two years that God would fix me. I prayed that He would help me get better and I had no answer (or so I thought). I gave up and in that giving up I despaired. I became suicidal and friends stepped in. They found me help and I went. I felt as though I was floating above my body for three days. I couldn't believe that I was in a psych ward. I was smart. I was a "good" girl. I wanted to follow Jesus with all of my heart and here I was. Broken. Shattered. Unheard.

For 40 days I went to treatment. It was the best thing that happened to me in the long run because it got the healing started. I saw a christian counselor my whole senior year of college and then went to seminary. I met Eric, got married and was bulimic until I got pregnant with Micah.

I felt so ashamed for so long. I couldn't even look at the people in Campus Crusade at my school. I felt like they would always see me as messed up and that is how I felt. I withdrew so much that year and I knew no one by the end except my roommates who I was unkind to most days. I regret the mistakes that I made for so long. I regret losing precious time that I can never get back.

I was snooping on one of my friends facebook pages. I looked through her friends to see if she had friends from college. She still had so many and they still hang out. I wanted to be there. I wanted to be in the pictures. I wanted to have a good past. I wanted a good history but I don't.

The thing that I will say is that that long journey helped reframe my faith. I wanted to trust and depend on God and I wrote a commitment to that. I married Eric on the two year anniversary of that commitment. I still mean it. God still honors that request. I saw how faithful God is. I saw how my time frame doesn't matter to God. I learned that God is not a genie-we don't get what we pray for but He will always give us what we need. Ultimately I am glad that I went through that season of life because God woke me up, washed me off and made me new. I am happy with who I am now and before I hated myself. I had so many rules about God that I didn't see the grace and freedom that God offers. I thought God was fickle and that I had to always work to please Him but He IS LOVE. You can't make God not love you and you can't make him love you more. God loves you because he made you. That brings me a lot of peace.

I feel lonely. I want someone to be with me in life. I wish that it was Eric. I have an opportunity to trust and depend on God in an even deeper way. I swear sometimes I would love to be done growing in my faith-that is-until I am done with that growth spirt and I an rejoice in what only God can do.

I feel a lot better after this blog. Thanks for listening to my somewhat random thoughts.

Missouri and Arkansas

I came down south for a visit to Eric's parents and for a memorial service for Eric at his college-College of the Ozarks. The service was saturday. It was humble and small but it was meaningful. I was nervous to meet his friends from college because I wasn't sure how I would relate. What if Eric was so different then that the man I married wasn't who they knew? Fortunately, Eric was Eric. It was encouraging to me that they loved the man that I love. They knew about how he was slow to speak. They knew that he was a hard worker. They knew that he was silly and did things in his own way. They knew Eric.

I traveled down to Arkansas after that. Today we went to a monument shop and we picked out Eric's gravestone. It was so hard to pick something out. You want it to be something that you like, the family likes and most importantly something that accurately shows who Eric was and what was important to him. We picked a black granite stone. We will have a cross with a music staff swirling off of it. His name will be in a box. The birth and death dates will be below that on polished stone. There will be an acoustic guitar in the corner and Gal. 5:1 will be below that ("it is for freedom that Christ has set you free"). The back of the marker will have Husband of Sarah, Father to Micah & Lydia, Chaplain, Captain, Pastor & Friend.

I went through so many emotions when I was there. I felt angry that Eric "stuck" me with all of these decisions. I felt sad that he was gone. I felt relieved that this part of the journey was almost done. I felt tired. I feel tired. I want this to be done soon so that I can rest. I miss the feeling rested. I know that will come with time but I wish I could speed the process along.

We bury Eric's urn on Wednesday. The headstone will come in a few months.

"I am the bread of life" John 6:35

I finally made my Amish friendship bread. I babysat a batch and then split it but didn't bake it. Tonight I stayed up late to bake this bread because some things are easier to do when the kids are asleep. I wanted to check the computer to see what was going on in the world and I found out that I was inspired to write about bread. Jesus said that he is the bread of life in John 6:35 but a few verses before that he said "I tell you the truth, it is not Moses who has given you the bread from heaven, but it is my Father who gives you the true bread of heaven. For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world." (vs. 32-33)

These verses stuck out to me tonight. I have often heard the bread of life quote but I have not heard the verses before that recited. It struck me today because God is using Eric's death in profound ways in other people lives and mine. People have commented to me that they admire my strength and faith. I am not quite sure what to say. I don't feel extraordinary in any way. God has given me my faith. God sustains me. God saved me. God used this situation to bring glory to His name.

Jesus pointed out to the people that Moses didn't provide for them. He was not someone to deify. God sent manna from heaven to reveal another part of himself to those people. It was part of his loving effort to draw them to himself. While manna didn't last past the desert, Jesus has always been and he always will be. He provides a way to true life. He is the bread that we can partake in and never hunger spiritually again. He is the water that satisfies our soul.

My bread downstairs smells so good. If we are Christ's followers we get to be the aroma of Christ to all who are seeking. I feel as though God has put a spotlight on my "aroma" right now and that He is giving me the ability to be cinnamon and sugar Amish friendship bread-or whatever appeals to your soul. It is God working in me and I am really amazed. I am just me. I am not different from any of you yet God is using little me and my husband to exhalt His name. I find that very cool and very encouraging. I hope that this blog makes you hungry for bread...I have a ton in my kitchen!

To Iowa and back

I traveled to Iowa to visit friends. I didn't get to any other friends but the ones that I stayed with. I wish that I could have seen more people but I just wasn't up to it. It was so much harder to be in Polk City than I had anticipated. We haven't lived in Iowa for a year and yet it still feels like home in some ways. Everywhere that I drove reminded me of my life with Eric. It was our first place as a family. We made a niche for ourselves and I didn't realize how deep it was. I am glad that I went and I will go back. I need to go back. I want to go back.

I am so glad to be home. It feels safe and calm. I am not reminded be Eric at every turn because I had a life here way before I ever knew Eric. I have memories and happy times here. I have family. I am glad that God brought us here.

I worked for a long time today to get my bicycle ready for riding with micah and lydia. I attached a tag-along to the back of my bike and a baby seat in front of mine. We shall see if it works or if we are just going to be "the crazy lady and her kids who try impossibly crazy things."

I feel so very tired. I need sleep desperately. I hope that life settles into a nice rhythm soon. I am going to Eric's college for a memorial service, then I am going to Eric's parents house for a visit and to bury his ashes. After that I hope that we can have a few weeks of "normal" activites. I think that it is good to see everyone but it is also good to stay at home and do regular stuff.

Micah went to the dentist today. This was his second visit to a dentist but he FREAKED out. I felt so bad. He is always a cautious kid, but he is more hesitant about things since Eric's death. He is much more attached to me than he has ever been and I am never sure if what he is doing is a result of his grief or his preschoolerness. Please pray for me that I would have wisdom to handle the kids and their grief.

This was a random post but that is exactly how I feel today. I want to write on Romans again so...brace yourselves!

STRESS

I am with my best friend and her kids and I feel stress. I feel stress everywhere-all of the time. It is in my stressed out moments that I see my grief. I feel 'okay' except for having a short tolerance for any shenanigans. That makes me feel frustrated because it proves to me that live is not normal and that I have to change and adapt.

People ask how I am doing and sometimes I just want to yell at them. I would love to say 'leave me alone...my husband JUST died! How do you THINK that I am doing?' I know that they are trying to show care to me and so I bite my tongue and accept their care and love for me and my family. I hope that this doesn't make anyone paranoid to ask, but I just wish that I wasn't in this place to start with.

I sat in Walgreens yesterday uploading pictures for printing so that I could use them for scrapbooking. I felt so alone. I HATE that. I am not a cripple. Being single is not a curse and I do not want to start pitying myself. How do you feel sad for a loss without feeling sorry for yourself? I just feel so tired, sad and most of all STRESSED today.

Goodnight

Feeling a wave of loneliness. I don't like to think about Eric much. I guess what I mean to say is I don't like it when my thoughts get stuck on what our future could have, would have, should have been. It sneaks up on me and then wham-a slap of reality in the face. I am fine if I keep Eric and our good memories as one part of me and the daily stuff of life as another part. It is hard when the 'yucky' stuff seeps in. I used Eric's car today, I sold our other car. I bought a new car but it is getting a special coating inside and out so that stains don't have a permanent place in the vehicle. Anyway, I had to use my keys (obviously). The 'yucky' part is that I have Eric's key for the car on the same key chain (I am in the middle of selling Eric's car). Eric's key is melted from the accident. It makes me flood with thoughts and emotions that I have to stop. I can tell that my brain wants to get stuck in the 'what if' place. I don't want to revisit the accident. I know what happened. I lived in it's horrible wake for weeks and I don't want to live there any more. I want to remember good things, happy times and our LIFE together. How he died was such a short time in our lives and yet it changed everything. I wanted more kids. I wanted to see our marriage get even better. I wanted to see Eric preach again. I want Eric. We had a whole life together that isn't being lived. I have decided to live even though it is different and I don't always like it. That is the way life is. God doesn't guarantee anything in this life except Jesus. I forget that so often...don't you? I refuse to give in to the paralysis of wanting what you can't have. I will look to what is possible-with Christ all things are possible. I miss Eric but I will not lay down and give up. I did that with my eating disorder for a few years and I know that in that choice I forfeited living a life. I can't go back and live those years, but I can live the ones that God has graciously given me. God numbers all of our days. Eric's were complete and he went home. My days are not at an end and so I will press on. I don't know where God wants me next but as I write I have two little people sleeping that need a live mom not a zombie mom. I don't know how to parent them right now, but I pray that God gives me wisdom and discernment to provide what is required and needed. Please pray for my kids. They are trying the best they can to figure this out and some days are harder than others. Today was a hard day with the kids.

My lonely cyberspace world. I am glad that I have you as my place to write all that wanders around in my head. Goodnight.

Romans 2:1-16

1 You therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. 2 Now we know that God's judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. 3 So when you, a mere man, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God's judgment? 4 Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance, and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance? 5 But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God's wrath, when his righteous judgment will be revealed. 6 God "will give to each person according to what he has done" 7 To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life. 8 But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger. 9 There will be trouble and distress for every human being who does evil: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile; 10 but glory, honor and peace for everyone who does good: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. 11 For God does not show favoritism. 12 All who sin apart from the law will also perish apart from the law, and all who sin under the law will be judged by the law. 13 For it is not those who hear the law who are righteous in God's sight, but it is those who obey the law who will be declared righteous. 14 (Indeed, when Gentiles, who do not have the law, do by nature things required by the law, they are a law for themselves, even though they do not have the law, 15 since they show that the requirements of the law are written on their hearts, their consciences also bearing witness, and their thoughts now accusing, now even defending them.) 16 This will take place on the day when God will judge men's secrets through Jesus Christ, as my gospel declares.

Paul was writing to the Jews first and foremost. They were the ones that "had it all". Jews were God's chosen people and apparently enough of them felt like they had an "in" with God so they didn't seek God wholeheartedly. They looked down their noses at the Gentiles-those sinners. They judged them. They exalted themselves. Paul sets the record straight. God will judge all. He does not discriminate. We all have some form of knowledge of God's law (wether it is Moses' law or a moral law) and God will kick your butt if you are going to play the who is so perfect game. God always wins-you are not good enough.

How many times have I looked down my nose at those who are "sinners"? How many times have I looked down on fellow believers? Too many to count. We are so deceived if we think that we are better than someone else. God didn't save you because you were good enough or better than someone else. We are not saved by what we do it is a gift-freely given by God. We are not made more like God because we follow rules or try to be super good. God's kindness leads to repentance. Never forget who you are (a sinner) and what God did for you-BECAUSE YOU NEEDED IT! God doesn't want our actions nearly as much as our heart (he would pick heart over actions every time). It is in submitting a broken heart to God that we become useful to God. The church would be wise to humble itself before God and other people and ask forgiveness for this pridefulness that we so often fall into.

I hope that I did God's word justice. I felt God challenging me to continue on with Eric's blog through Romans. I have resisted for a couple of days because I felt inadequate for this type of thing but at the end of the day it doesn't matter how well this turns out- it matters more that I obey.